Losing Control

Ugh. Another day, more food to eat, blah. I know i probably sounded really determined yesterday, but unfortunately, that comes and goes. Sometimes i eat every meal and don't feel guilty at all. And then sometimes, i pick at my food and feel guilty because i didn't know the approximate number of calories i ate and feel like a complete failure. This was one of those days.

It started out pretty good, until i got to the kitchen for breakfast. I'm at my family's cabin, and the food that i brought, was in my dads car. My dad was gone. So i refused to eat anything for 2 hours and then finally i ate some mini muffins. They were stale.

Lunch was also bad. I ate a ton of fruit and mostly picked through everything else. I feel really bad about it but i can't help it! I didn't really like anything. By the time my dad got back, i was already done with lunch and was pretty mad.

For dinner, i had poptarts. I know my dietitian won't be very happy when she reads my food list sheet, but i wasn't really planning on eating dinner anyway. So this is a step up from not eating.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day and i'll be more in control. But the sad part about recovery is, i never really feel that in control. People are always monitering how much food i eat, how much water i drink, and how much i exercise. And at the moment, i'm not allowed to exercise. Which really upsets me. I was just planning on going on a short, 15 minute walk but i can't even do that. I'm not allowed.

And knowing that i'm not in control, makes me want to go back to my old ways of barely eating anything and overexercising. But i know that isn't right. Whenever i have these feelings, i just picture myself in a hospital bed and it all goes away. Because that's where i'll end up if i don't recover.

So for now, i'll try to stick to my meal plan, do other things to keep me busy from exercising, and work through recovery. Recovery is hard, but i'm determined to overcome this disease.