Warning: long post, feel free not to read.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I actually went shopping for jeans. And the weird part is, I didn't feel bad about it. Maybe that's because when I went to Express, I guess their jean sizes are messed up because I was still a zero. And it was still somewhat baggy on me. Weird.. I didn't lose weight? I guess I have to remind myself that every store is different but still.. why do i feel a small sense of accomplishment from this? I'm glad that today was a good day of shopping for me (even though the outfit i bought was expensive) but it usually doesn't go this way. See, i usually have a lot of difficulty finding jeans. My hips are a bigger than my legs so the waist is often tighter than the legs are and it usually makes me feel fat. But I have to realize that, that's just the way I was made. I have to be thankful for the things god gave me instead of trying to get rid of them. Every time I try on jeans and they don't fit quite right I think of ways I can work on my waist and make them even with my legs. But again, I shouldn't do that. This is just the way I was made and I should appreciate what I have.
One thing I've realized is that I hate eating out. Me and my mom went to see a movie today and she got a pretzel.. while i brought mini oranges to a movie theater. Yup. While I see this as a better choice, I also think: am I depriving myself? I didn't eat very well today, so I think so. My lunch, shouldn't of even have been considered a snack it was so small. I should of had a better lunch, but that bring me to another issue of mine.
I.. don't like spending money on food. Whenever my mom goes to the grocery store, i feel bad because I feel like she's spending a ton of money. But why don't I feel this way when we buy clothes? When we buy clothes, I don't feel this way. Maybe because clothes get a lot of use out of them and food you can only eat once, depending on how much of one thing you buy. Anyway, when she buys the food, I almost don't want to eat it because I want to save it and make it last so we don't have to go shopping in a long time. I know this is dumb to think this way because I'm usually not the only one eating them.
Which is why when I got home, I ate whole wheat waffles instead of a proper dinner and a small slice of cheesecake. And then i still somehow felt hungry so i ate a cinnamon bar. I hate the guilt of "eating too much". It really sucks. I felt so guilty I jogged in place and ran back and forth.
I know I shouldn't feel this way because I probably ate a normal amount like other people eat (or less). I just want to overcome this disease. I don't want it to take over my life or other person's lives for that matter. I want this disease to not exist anymore and for that to happen, I have to overcome this disease before I start helping other people.
