Thank you

This is probably a really different post for me. I just wanted to say to all those for supporting me.. thank you! You have no idea how you've helped me. Your encouraging comments and support keeps me going everyday. Seriously. If i was all alone and had no one with me, then i don't think i would continute this. I would want to die. But i noticed every since i mentioned recovery from anorexia or something, people have been so willing to help me. i love that. I love the help and support everyone have given me.

One thing i haven't really done yet, is weigh the pros and cons of anorexia. I think there will be more cons than pros which is good but i'll see what comes up.

Pros:

I get to be really thin

People will focus on my weight instead of my personality

I get a "high" from getting dizzy when i don't eat anything

I get to model and could be on the runway in no time

Cons:

I looked like a little kid

I could die anytime if i keep continuing it

Models get thin gradually. If i was already thin, i think people would not want to hire me

I could have a heart attack

I hate being isolated with everyone because i'm affraid there's going to be food around

I guess there is more cons than pros. And that's a good thing! When i look at the reasons why i want to have an eating disorder, they seem sad and weak. I want to be strong. I want to make a difference in the world. And most of all, i want to recover from this illness and come out a better person.

The "fat" model moments

You know the more you know that you can't do something, the more you want to do it? It used to be that way with me and eating. After each meal i would say: i can't wait to eat again! Which is really sad. Now, it's like that with modeling. I keep telling myself: You can't model. Models are super skinny. You might as well give up now. You've never going to get anywhere in the industry looking fat. And now that i think about it, it's probably the ED telling me this. Not myself. But still, every time i think about modeling, i think I'll never be able to do it again because i won't be thin enough. Until i read something that changed my mind. I was reading seventeen magazine when i saw an interview with Tyra Banks. If you don't know who she is, she used to be a runway model and created her own signature walk, she was the first black woman on the cover of sports illustrated, and she created America's next top model. She's basically my role model. I mean, she went from being a supermodel to creating her own talk show and created her own company! Anyway, she was talking about dreams and who inspired her to go after her dreams. She said: "If someone slams the door in your face, go through a window. If the window is locked, go through the back door. If the back door is closed, climb on the roof and find your way in through the attic. There is a way to your goal. Just figure out how to get there".

At that moment i knew, i can be a model! I could be the first normal size model and maybe i could pave the way for other models. Models wouldn't be pressured to be super skinny anymore. They would just be beautiful and average. Young girls wouldn't be pressured to be really thin anymore. That's my new dream. To change how the world thinks.

I know it's a big dream, but i hope one day to accomplish it.