Last year, I watched a lot of scary movies with my best friends, answered the door, and had a lot of fun. The year before that, I went to a party and had a sleepover with some friends. This year, was very different. I had no plans. And that's what made me sad. I don't like to live in the past, but I've been doing that a lot lately. I used to have soo much fun with my old friends. And I miss them. But am I going to tell them that? No. I'm not really sure if I miss them exactly, but maybe the fun I had with them. There was a lot of drama too but the good times outweighed the bad.
This Halloween, I was really sad. I got really really sad because I had no plans. Then I went to look in the mirror, and I saw fat. Weird, because I haven't felt fat in two weeks. After that I wanted to skip my snack and dinner. And then I realized something.
This is the ED doing it's job again! It swoops in and is like - hey I'll take care of this! Ewww.. you're really fat. You should skip dinner. Then you'll be too weak to even think about the past. In a way, it's sort of good but not really. I can't rely on my eating disorder to take the pain away. But I can't just sit with it either.
I actually did end up doing something later. I went out to eat with my dad and my grandma and met up with cousins after that. And, I forgot it was even Halloween! The weird thing is, I really did enjoy myself. I didn't feel guilty about what I was eating. We went to a sushi restaurant and I love going there. Even though I'm not a meat eater anymore, there do have lots of vegetarian options. I ended up getting this Chinese stir fry pancake thing and green tea mochi. I had fun and completely forgot about everything. And that's the way it should be. I shouldn't feel sad and then have the ED take it away. I should have fun.
So what now? Well.. I really think I should start volunteering. And going to church. We have found a really good one. They have a great message and I don't feel bored when I go there. I actually feel inspired for once. I should also start volunteering at the humane society. I love dogs and that would be perfect!
As soon as I get out of this "funk", I think it will help me recover from the ED. Because if I'm happy, the ED doesn't try to take that away. If I'm happy and content with my life, there's no room for an eating disorder.
