Skinny is a compliment?

This weekend, was probably the best in a long time. I hung out with J and C (I know I said I wouldn't hang out with them.. but I'm being careful) and we had a lot of fun! J only stayed over at my house for 3 hours because of babysitting but she texted me after she left and said that she had a lot of fun and she wanted to hang out again soon.

I was a little worried about just me and C hanging out by ourselves because we didn't have much fun in the past just by ourselves but I was surprised because we had a lot of fun too! We went to the mall and didn't buy anything, but we had a lot of fun just walking around and acting crazy in the mattress store.

I was worried that I would eat more when I was with them, but then I thought I don't even care if I eat more when I'm with friends! I don't want to be weak, tired, ready to faint, etc. I ate more on Saturday and I was okay with it. I had a really good dinner, but I think I might of ate too much too fast because I didn't feel good for a while after that. Maybe next time I'll just have to eat a little less or not eat everything in one sitting.

This weekend was fun, but one thing that confused me was that being skinny was considered a compliment. I don't really see how it is. I was complimented on how I was really skinny on my formspring last night and a lot in the past too. But how is skinny better than any other body type? We're all different, and that's whats makes us special. If every person was really skinny, I think the world would even be a little boring.

For me, I would rather be complimented on my personality. It seems like the world only focuses on the outward appearance, but I look at the heart. Hopefully, the world will change one day.

Getting out of relapse

Sorry I haven't posted in the last few days! I've had so much on my mind.

Unfortunately, I've decided not to be friends with J again. I thought she had matured and grown, but I was wrong. She's blown me off and forgot about me three times. Oh well, there are better people out there.

I've also restricted food for the past 2 weeks. I'm doing much better yesterday and today, but I've skipped lunch for the past 2 weeks.

Why? Stress. Friends just keep blowing me off again and again. But, they're not friends! And they're not worth my tears. I want nice, caring people in my life. People that, will come over to my house at 3am if I'm having a horrible day, people that won't blow me off, people that care about me and about God. People that don't only care about themselves.

The ED has also been telling me to "prepare" for Thanksgiving. As in, restrict 200 cals or 400 cals below my usual amount. And attempt to exercise too. Has anyone else been dealing with this? Maybe it's just me. But, yesterday and today I really realized that restricting food isn't worth it.

Yesterday I was trying to go my science homework, when I started getting dizzy. I couldn't focus on anything at all. All I could think about was food. I started getting really irritated and angry too. I did eat dinner an hour after that, but I'm glad it gave me another reason why anorexia isn't worth it.

But the weird thing is, today is completely different. I ate a good breakfast and went into the car to go to church. 2o minutes after eating, I began feeling really weak. I felt really sluggish and couldn't keep my eyes open at all. It wasn't the food, I'd just eaten. It wasn't sleep because I'd gotten 8 1/2 hours of sleep too. Then what was it? I'm feeling really tired now after eating a good lunch. The really weird part is, 2 hours after eating, I feel fine. Ed tells me to skip dinner but I might try to have it. I don't know. I had lunch an hour ago.

So, life has not gone very well for me lately. Because I was feeling icky earlier, I had to tell my friend Z, who I was going shopping with later, that I couldn't hang out. At the last minute. I felt sooo bad. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that to people but I just did. Yeah, I did it differently than other people did, but I still feel bad. Really bad. I feel like a really bad person.

I realize now that I just didn't want to hang out with her. Conversation is always forced, and it always seems like she wants to hang out with other people instead of me. I feel bad about canceling at the last minute, but for once I don't feel bad the friendship didn't work out.

Friends should just be able to click right from the start. It shouldn't be forced. And if it is, then it isn't meant to be.

Anyway, even though I've been struggling lately, I'm going to try to overcome it. I have an appointment with the new clinic on the 29th. Ed is not winning. I'm going to win this fight.

The only people you need in your life, are the ones who make you feel good about yourself

People make mistakes. We jump into things too quickly, and we go back to people who didn't make us feel good, just because we need people. I made this mistake.

People always tell me- You're so mature for your age! Yeah, I guess I am. But I really wish I wasn't.

As I mentioned before, I was going to have a sleepover today. I was so excited. I got some diet pop, some pop tarts, went to therapy, picked J up and headed over. It was pretty fun when we first got there. We all talked and laughed about stupid stuff for 2 hours. Then, I had to go to the bathroom because I had just drank a ton of diet pop. I got back from the bathroom, they're laughing and I felt so left out. It just went downhill from there. It's like they formed their own group that I wasn't allowed in on. I did everything I possibly could to keep from crying. I called my mom, told them I was "sick", and I went home.

I was SO sad afterward. It was my first time hanging out with people my age again, and it was awful. They didn't really put any effort into trying to include me in the fun. I felt so bad about myself, I felt boring, useless, and hopeless about life overall.

But later, I realized that not everyone is like that. There are some mature people my age out there. I can't just label my whole age group as immature. Maybe that school and the people that go there, but not everyone.

I have to keep thinking, I will meet some wonderful people. I have to stay positive. I have to see my future as bright. Not gloomy, dark & depressing.

But what I have learned, is no one likes feeling left out. So when I'm hanging out with people and someone is feeling left out, I will do everything I can to make them feel included and accepted.

I have a big heart. I just need people to fill it with.

Friends make life worthwhile

Okay, sorry I've been totally MIA for the past few days, but I've had a lot on my mind.

So, I finally talked to J again. We've been talking a lot since yesterday. I guess it was kind of mutual. So you guys were right. We both really missed each other and we missed hanging out together. And I found out something really interesting. She has an ED too!

After my experience this summer, all the pieces really came together. I always thought about the past, so it made sense. She was very skinny in 7th and 8th grade. And not just average skinny, very very skinny. The summer of 8th grade, she started eating more and I think she mentioned she was seeing a dietitian. That was when my ED was first starting up, so I didn't really put much thought into it.

Towards the end of the summer, she started giving some of her clothes away to C. They didn't fit her anymore, so she couldn't wear them. But thinking about it all, I have to say she hid it well. I'm an really open person so I'm bad at hiding things. I've never really told many people like, in person about it. I've told my cousin, who doesn't understand, and one of my other friends who was into modeling and had an ED too. This was in the middle of the year last year. We were both so confused. Lets call this girl, H. H, felt bad about what she ate. She wanted to model too. She wasn't the skinniest person, but she looked really great. She just never realized it herself. Me and H always texted each other when we "overate" last winter and gave each other tips on restricting.

After I didn't have a class with H, we didn't talk that much anymore. But I did recently talk to her, and it sounds like she's doing well. She's given up on modeling but she's happy for me that I'm starting.

Anyway back to the main topic, me and J are pretty much friends again. She has really grown up in the past 6 months. I told her she can text me whenever she feels bad or alone and we talked about getting better. But, I have decided not to be friends with C again. Although she may seem like a sweet person, there is something off there. Something that is not right. I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I mention her.

So all in all, I'm happy now(: I see everything falling into place, everything better. I'm going to get my studies taken care of, I'm having a sleepover with J & some friends next weekend, I'm going to try to keep pursuing modeling, and I'm finallyy going to start studying for my permit test. Sooner or later, this ED will slowly disappear. My life will be so great, there will be no room for an eating disorder. At all.

Life? Don't talk to me about life..

I've been feeling really really sad lately. My mom blames it on Facebook, but that's not really it. Facebook allows me to talk to people and almost reconnect with people. Just lately.. I don't know. Right now I just feel like there's a huge hole in my heart. There's something missing.

I added one of my old friends on Facebook today. She was pretty nice, but there was one small problem with her. Lets call her C. So C was almost obsessed with one of my other best friends. Lets call her J. C copied almost everything J did. J sometimes got really mad about it but I think it was me that got the most upset. When C always fawned over J- "oh my gosh you're so pretty, you're sooooo funnny! I LOVE your hairr!!!" I almost felt really upset and left out. Was I honest about that? No, I never was. People my age never say how they really feel, like ever. Most people my age, just pretend to be this person that is cool, that people will like.

I realize now, I should have been honest with them instead of trying to not hang out with C as much. But it was hard. I HATE hurting any one's feelings. So I always hung out with J. Me and J always had fun, but since I never wanted to mention C, the friendship was hard. We eventually stopped talking to each other. And.. I miss them both. We all made each other laugh and had a great time together. I should have just let it go or told them the truth instead of ignoring a problem.

The bad part is, I can't admit to them that I miss them. I want them to admit that they miss me. I don't really want to be rejected. I don't want to reach out to them because I was always the one doing that. I want people to reach out and text me for once. To care.

From here, I guess God will guide me. If I listen close enough, I can listen to him. From now on, I will be a selfless person. I was not one last year, I was a mean girl. God was still there at the time, but I was not even listening to him at all. I have to listen to him now. Now, I can hear him. He'll guide me in the right direction of who I'm supposed to be friends with.

Halloween

I used to love Halloween. I loved dressing up in cute costumes and going trick or treating. Of course I stopped trick or treating a few years ago and started going to parties and I think that's what got me sad yesterday.

Last year, I watched a lot of scary movies with my best friends, answered the door, and had a lot of fun. The year before that, I went to a party and had a sleepover with some friends. This year, was very different. I had no plans. And that's what made me sad. I don't like to live in the past, but I've been doing that a lot lately. I used to have soo much fun with my old friends. And I miss them. But am I going to tell them that? No. I'm not really sure if I miss them exactly, but maybe the fun I had with them. There was a lot of drama too but the good times outweighed the bad.

This Halloween, I was really sad. I got really really sad because I had no plans. Then I went to look in the mirror, and I saw fat. Weird, because I haven't felt fat in two weeks. After that I wanted to skip my snack and dinner. And then I realized something.

This is the ED doing it's job again! It swoops in and is like - hey I'll take care of this! Ewww.. you're really fat. You should skip dinner. Then you'll be too weak to even think about the past. In a way, it's sort of good but not really. I can't rely on my eating disorder to take the pain away. But I can't just sit with it either.

I actually did end up doing something later. I went out to eat with my dad and my grandma and met up with cousins after that. And, I forgot it was even Halloween! The weird thing is, I really did enjoy myself. I didn't feel guilty about what I was eating. We went to a sushi restaurant and I love going there. Even though I'm not a meat eater anymore, there do have lots of vegetarian options. I ended up getting this Chinese stir fry pancake thing and green tea mochi. I had fun and completely forgot about everything. And that's the way it should be. I shouldn't feel sad and then have the ED take it away. I should have fun.

So what now? Well.. I really think I should start volunteering. And going to church. We have found a really good one. They have a great message and I don't feel bored when I go there. I actually feel inspired for once. I should also start volunteering at the humane society. I love dogs and that would be perfect!

As soon as I get out of this "funk", I think it will help me recover from the ED. Because if I'm happy, the ED doesn't try to take that away. If I'm happy and content with my life, there's no room for an eating disorder.

Back to the real world

I used to have a Facebook. I probably had about 200-300 friends, like everyone else did on there. But who really has 300 friends? Okay.. Probably Oprah. But really, if you have 300 friends on Facebook or Twitter or whatever, do you really talk to them all on there? Most likely not. I know I didn't. So why do we add so many people on there? To be look cool? That's usually the case. If you only have 20 friends on there people are like -wow loser, I have 300 and she has 20! Ok, maybe not but some people do that.

I remade a Facebook a few days ago and some weird things happened. People were actually interested in talking to me. I forgot how Facebook worked for a while because I deleted my old one a few months ago. I put modeling pictures up and they were actually pretty surprised and -happy for me. That's so weird because I thought they would be jealous. But i didn't want them to be jealous, just saying. At this age, we get jealous over the dumbest things. I get jealous because this person is more liked than me, and they get jealous of me because they think I'm prettier than them. Or so I was told. But those people have to realize looks don't matter to me. What matters to me, is how people treat each other. If some person is really mean but they're pretty, they usually have a ton of friends. Because they're pretty. That's not someone I would want to be friends with because I want nice, mature people in my life. People who ignore peer pressure and who are good people.

I realize now I probably shouldn't have made a Facebook again but I still want to keep it. I'm not going to go on there everyday and I'm not going to add people I'm never going to talk to again.

So, I'll see how it goes. I'm not looking for drama on Facebook. What I'm looking for, is to reconnect with old friends. I miss talking to them. Not the mean ones, but the good friends. The weird part is, when people leave that school, they usually become better people in the end. That's true for me and one of my other friends anyway. For me, I found God again. He was there all along, but I was so caught up in Popularity and drama, I didn't listen to him. Now, I'm going to listen to him. He will guide me in the right direction, whether it's being friends with those people again, or not.

A year's difference

I try to think of what life was like last year and it's so hard to imagine. I was a completely different person then. I cared too much about what other people thought of me and I had toxic friends. The ED wasn't very present then, but it was still in the back of my mind. Just very quiet.

Last year, I had friends who decorated my locker at school on my birthday. This year, no friends. But honestly, I'm happier now. Which is weird but I don't have friends. Yes I have to get friends, but it's so hard to find GOOD friends.

See, my friends last year were toxic. Sure, we had our good times, but the drama outnumbered the good times. They made me feel so bad about myself, and at the time, I didn't even realize it. Now, I do. Friends are caring, loving, and supportive. They accept you for who you are and love you for exactly you. My friends last year did not do that. They treated me badly without me realizing it. They made fun of my parents and disrespected me and my home. They left messes everywhere they went and treated people badly. But, they weren't all bad. Just misguided, like everyone else my age is.

I do realize that I have to get friends and they will make my life better but it's hard. I've been isolated for months, and the ED encouraged that. The ED told me that when my friends left me, people would love me if I lost weight, and that never happened.

But honestly, friends aside, today was a pretty great 16th birthday for me. I went to the cheesecake factory and ate a good amount of food and it felt pretty good too.

I realize that friends are probably a step in the recovery process. I just have to learn to get over my fear of getting toxic friends. There are good people out there. I just have to find them.