Choices

Each choice we make affects our lives. I've been thinking about Thanksgiving lately, and I've decided not to go. Well.. okay my mom helped me decide that. When I really think about it, it hurts me rather than helps me. There's really no reason for me to go. It's always on my mom's side of the family, and I don't connect with anyone on that side. I used to have cousins to hang out with, but we don't really talk much anymore. The age gap is too far. They're 3-5 years younger than me.

So, what's happened the past few years is, I feel so alone whenever I go to my mom's side of the family. My mom talks and laughs with the aunts, my dad.. I think he eats or something, and I don't know what to do. I usually pace upstairs by myself, text people, eat m&m's, trail mix, and pop, play with the dogs, and feel sad. One of my aunt's always teases me about guys. And it makes me feel awful.

The truth is, I haven't really ever had a boyfriend. Yeah, I've had my heart broken and come very close to having one, but nope, I haven't. That doesn't bother me very much, until I come around her. She makes me feel so awful (without realizing it) and I feel like such a loser for not having a boyfriend.

There's not really much to eat there for me either. I've never really liked any meat (besides chicken when it's breaded which can easily be replaced by morning star chik'n) so my plate usually consists of: 2-3 rolls with butter, some jello thing, and mashed potatoes. Then I usually eat 2 pieces of pie. And maybe another roll.

So, nothing good comes out of it. I don't mean to be all negative, but I don't want to go if I'm just going to hurt my heart. As in, not eat anything the day after thanksgiving. Lately when I eat less, It's been hard to breathe. It's been hard to move, all my energy gets drained out of me and it's even hard to type! Luckily I had a good dinner tonight.

So, my mom is going to Thanksgiving at my uncle's house and my dad is staying home with me. I'm going to bake 2 desserts for them and my dad is going to bake 2 desserts for them. My mom is gonna bring them over and me and my dad are gonna have a vegetarian/vegan thanksgiving. That way, I can still challenge myself without feeling overly guilty, alone, and sad.

But, one problem is that I don't know what to tell my mom's side of the family. I can't tell them I'm sick, I'm making desserts for them. I've considered telling them I have a broken leg or something like that, but I'm going shopping on Black Friday with a friend and they might see me. What do you guys think I should tell them? I can't tell them the truth. It would just be too hard. I know they already suspect it, but telling them would just make everything weird.

Okay this post is getting way too long. But hopefully everything will work out. I'm counting down the days to go to the new clinic. I really need help. But everything is going to be okay(: I'll have a good & healthy thanksgiving and finallyy go shopping on black Friday the next day. I'll meet with the new clinic and get the extra help I need. I'm going to be okay.