Life? Don't talk to me about life..

I've been feeling really really sad lately. My mom blames it on Facebook, but that's not really it. Facebook allows me to talk to people and almost reconnect with people. Just lately.. I don't know. Right now I just feel like there's a huge hole in my heart. There's something missing.

I added one of my old friends on Facebook today. She was pretty nice, but there was one small problem with her. Lets call her C. So C was almost obsessed with one of my other best friends. Lets call her J. C copied almost everything J did. J sometimes got really mad about it but I think it was me that got the most upset. When C always fawned over J- "oh my gosh you're so pretty, you're sooooo funnny! I LOVE your hairr!!!" I almost felt really upset and left out. Was I honest about that? No, I never was. People my age never say how they really feel, like ever. Most people my age, just pretend to be this person that is cool, that people will like.

I realize now, I should have been honest with them instead of trying to not hang out with C as much. But it was hard. I HATE hurting any one's feelings. So I always hung out with J. Me and J always had fun, but since I never wanted to mention C, the friendship was hard. We eventually stopped talking to each other. And.. I miss them both. We all made each other laugh and had a great time together. I should have just let it go or told them the truth instead of ignoring a problem.

The bad part is, I can't admit to them that I miss them. I want them to admit that they miss me. I don't really want to be rejected. I don't want to reach out to them because I was always the one doing that. I want people to reach out and text me for once. To care.

From here, I guess God will guide me. If I listen close enough, I can listen to him. From now on, I will be a selfless person. I was not one last year, I was a mean girl. God was still there at the time, but I was not even listening to him at all. I have to listen to him now. Now, I can hear him. He'll guide me in the right direction of who I'm supposed to be friends with.

Back to the real world

I used to have a Facebook. I probably had about 200-300 friends, like everyone else did on there. But who really has 300 friends? Okay.. Probably Oprah. But really, if you have 300 friends on Facebook or Twitter or whatever, do you really talk to them all on there? Most likely not. I know I didn't. So why do we add so many people on there? To be look cool? That's usually the case. If you only have 20 friends on there people are like -wow loser, I have 300 and she has 20! Ok, maybe not but some people do that.

I remade a Facebook a few days ago and some weird things happened. People were actually interested in talking to me. I forgot how Facebook worked for a while because I deleted my old one a few months ago. I put modeling pictures up and they were actually pretty surprised and -happy for me. That's so weird because I thought they would be jealous. But i didn't want them to be jealous, just saying. At this age, we get jealous over the dumbest things. I get jealous because this person is more liked than me, and they get jealous of me because they think I'm prettier than them. Or so I was told. But those people have to realize looks don't matter to me. What matters to me, is how people treat each other. If some person is really mean but they're pretty, they usually have a ton of friends. Because they're pretty. That's not someone I would want to be friends with because I want nice, mature people in my life. People who ignore peer pressure and who are good people.

I realize now I probably shouldn't have made a Facebook again but I still want to keep it. I'm not going to go on there everyday and I'm not going to add people I'm never going to talk to again.

So, I'll see how it goes. I'm not looking for drama on Facebook. What I'm looking for, is to reconnect with old friends. I miss talking to them. Not the mean ones, but the good friends. The weird part is, when people leave that school, they usually become better people in the end. That's true for me and one of my other friends anyway. For me, I found God again. He was there all along, but I was so caught up in Popularity and drama, I didn't listen to him. Now, I'm going to listen to him. He will guide me in the right direction, whether it's being friends with those people again, or not.