I will never be fat

The ED has told me many lies, but the biggest one was that I'm going to be fat or I was fat a few years ago. That is a complete lie. I was downstairs yesterday watching TV when a slide show popped up on my mom's computer. It was from about 3 years ago and it was when we went on vacation to Florida. As I looked at the pictures, I realized something. I was never fat. At all. I don't gain weight in one area, I just gain it all over. The picture made me realize what a lier Ed was. It was kinda sad. I've had this fear of getting fat for months and months, but that's never going to happen.

Even if I do start eating when I want again (which I am. but sometimes someone else influences that) I will never become fat. Even if I never work out, I will not be fat. I will always be small and it's time that I start realizing that. Yes my weight will go up and I won't be bony and anorexic anymore, but I'll never be fat. It's not in my genes, and it's just not possible. So Ed, you can shove your lies up your butt and leave me alone. I don't want you in my life anymore, nor do I need you.

But, one problem that I'm dealing with is other people. J, like I mentioned before, is like me. She's very tall (taller than me) and very very skinny. I'm just afraid when I start gaining weight, she's going to stay the same and I won't feel good around her. Or is that another lie, Ed? What should I do? I want to help her, but I have to help myself first. I know she's struggling because she doesn't eat much of a breakfast or lunch but I'm not sure what to do. She never makes it clear that she is struggling, but I can see that she is.

Hopefully, I'll get everything sorted out soon. I'm going shopping soon for backup clothes or bigger clothes in the next size up, I'm hopefully going to start working out soon and I might even start cooking more. I'm so glad that I have this new freedom with cooking/baking too. Before, I was a huge calorie counter and counted every single thing that entered my mouth. Now, I could really care less. Yes, I do have a number in my head that I'm striving towards, but I'm trying to forget about numbers all together.

So Ed, I'm strong and I will beat you. You'll see. I won't have an eating disorder for long.

Day by Day

Yesterday, was a really hard day for me. I got up, ate breakfast with my mom at 9 and then at 11:30 I started getting hungry. So I put a Amy's Vegan Wrap in the oven and took a shower. After I got out, I had to figure out what to eat with the wrap.

I started panicking. I had no idea what to eat with the wrap. So I got out 4 strawberries. No big deal. Then I ate a handful of white chocolate chips and two spoonfuls of ice cream. Still, no big deal right? I went downstairs to eat, then came back upstairs and hour later and realized I wanted a cliff bar. I panicked for about a half hour, deciding to eat that cliff bar. So I ate it, with another handful of white chocolate chips.

Then, things took a turn for the worst. I began adding up the calories and I was already in the triple digits. Something I usually don't get to until the end of the day. I started pacing back and forth, then walking across one side of my house to the other. Then I turning on the radio and started running. Then a little boxing.

It wasn't a long time, only 22 minutes and I took breaks in between each one but I shouldn't have been working out at all! I started drinking a ton of liquids after that, to almost wash everything out and decided not to eat dinner.

Well 6:00 rolls around, and my parents start making dinner. I get so afraid and try to think of every possible excuse not to eat. Push the food around the plate, drink water first, etc. But when I got to the table, I was surprised that I wanted to eat. I was really hungry. So I ate a good dinner, then a pudding snack. And I was actually proud of myself. I was really full, and it was okay. I didn't feel fat.

So, I've decided to come up with a new plan for myself. No more triple digit calories a day. Nope. I'm gonna eat what a normal person my age would eat. (okay, maybe a little less. Depends on the person I guess). I'm going to work hard at recovery. I'm going to buy bigger clothes, and be scared at first, but I'll get used to it.

I actually really like this new food freedom. I can almost eat whatever I want. It feels so freeing. Yeah, I'll still do the workouts today but to be honest it gives me a lot less anxiety about eating. I'm not going to work out to certain extremes, I'll just do a small amount. Just an amount that isn't too high and one that relieves my anxiety about calories.

I will recover from this. But, I will not be trying to undereat again. Nope. That is not possible in recovery. I will work out, but like I said, only small amounts. I actually like working out. It feels good. I want my fit body back, not a bony one. I don't want people to look at me and question if I have anorexia. I want to be a good example for other girls. I don't want to have an eating disorder anymore. Hopefully, I will be free one day.