The future

This year, has probably been one of the hardest years of my life. It started off okay, then gradually got worse and worse as my eating got worse and I isolated myself even more, but now, I think it may finally be starting to get better.

I have decided to go back to a public school. Not my awful previous school, but a brand new one, by my mom's work a half hour away from home. I like the idea of it, a fresh start. I'm going crazy being locked up in the house all the time. I can't live like this anymore. It's going to be a little scary to start a new school, but I gotta do it. Once this semester of my online school is over, I'm starting a new school.

At first I wanted to go back to my old school, but then I realized that was a lie. My friends, are not real friends. Yeah I'll still talk to them, but they're just not there for me. C gossips like there's no tomorrow, and J is still in denial struggling with her eating disorder.. and she's usually not there for me. When she is there for me, its usually only for a week, then the next week I don't hear from her. Oh well, just best not to dwell on it. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope they're happier in the future.

I finally met with a physical therapist, and I learned a lot. I learned how the body works, and how when I was only eating 500 calories a day, I was only feeding one part of my body. No wonder I was close to dying! It made me feel a lot better about eating. She said still no cardio, but a 30 minute walk once a week won't hurt. I'll need permission from my doctor though. She did say I could do yoga and pilates! I did an abs pilates tonight.. I did it before, and it's hard! But I wasn't thinking about the calories burned, I was thinking about my form in pilates, and stuff like that. I kinda liked that(: I can't wait for the snow to melt so I can start running outside.. I miss running!

I also met with a psychiatrist. The bad part is.. I have depression. But I already knew that. The good news is, she prescribed me with depression meds. I kinda feel a little more hopeful knowing things might get better.

I forgot to mention, last night me & my mom stayed at a hotel too! See, the roads are super bad, and there was ice storms in the forecast for when I was supposed to go to the clinic an hour away, so we just decided to stay at a hotel by there. It was so nice! We ate at the restaurant, and I ate soo much! For me anyway, my stomach is probably the size of a small pea right now.. oh well, I need food(: I skipped breakfast, and had a super tiny lunch. From now on, I'll make sure my meals are planned. My mom is helping me too, she's gonna premake my lunches and arrange them in the fridge or write them down on paper and set them on the kitchen table.

I have learned so much in the past year. I'm so much stronger. And smarter. I finally have the knowledge to beat this. I know that I need food to live, to function. Without food, I can't even put my makeup on! I have difficulty breathing. I'm "high" and numb. I can't really live life without food. Gaining weight is going to be scary, but I'm gonna do it. I want my strong body back. I want to run again! I want to fully live again. Now, I'm on my way getting there.


Oh one more thing! This video is really cool(: I saw it a few days ago, and I love the message of it.



Have a great night everyone! And happy new years!(:

Anger.

FML, FML, FML, FML, FML.

I feel like screaming right now. And throwing things. Violent much? .. I guess. I'm so mad right now. And sad. I have mixed emotions I guess.

I was excited to go to the clinic tonight because 1. I get out of the house & 2. I get help from my eating disorder.

Well.. that didn't seem to improve my mood. I was in a good mood until I got there. See my therapist, is super nice and understanding. But she doesn't help me deal with the feelings of eating more. I guess I can deal with them myself, but I'm still mad. But not really about that. She was happy that I started eating more and we're going to have a "family dinner" at the clinic next week & she's going to observe it.

We're going to have spaghetti.. which I pretty much hate. Or, well I guess the ED made me hate it. I'm more open to eating it now, but not with garlic bread. The ED sees that as a pound of fat that's just going to cling to me forever. Not really, but I still feel.. I don't know.

Anyway, after that I met with my doctor there. She said that I'd lost weight probably because my metabolism had gone up from eating more, and that I shouldn't work out. Even after I told her my workout plan, and even after I diminished it to walking with my dog for 20 minutes, she said no working out.

After that, I met with my dietitian. That's what got me angry. And sad. I felt like, attacked the whole time. She pretty much threw my vegetarianism out the window and said I should start eating meat again for protein. Then, she told me no more diet snacks (even though I don't purposely buy sugar free pudding.. that double chocolate kind is the kind I like, and it just happens to be sugar free), then she told me to have a snack after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner. Even if I was still really full. So I told her maybe I could try some soy pudding and she said that would probably be good but then I should stop clinging to organic foods(she didn't exactly say that, but it was like that).

So, the night did not go well. The dietitian even told my mom that she should start eating meat again to like, help me start eating it! No. Thanks. I was so mad and frustrated. I was so sad too because she was not nice to me the whole session. She rarely smiled at all, I felt like she was lecturing me. I mean, she's a nice person but I don't know what happened. I feel like I almost did something wrong like I usually do.

I always feel like I'm the one that did something wrong. Me, J, and C hung out again on Thursday, but they haven't talked to me much since. I feel so stupid. Why don't they like me? We had so much fun & we laughed the whole time we hung out. When are people ever going to care?

I guess, I just have to do things my way. I'm not going to live for someone else, I'm living for ME. I'm gonna eat the way I want to eat. Not the way my mom wants me too, not the way my "team" wants me to, and especially not the way my eating disorder wants me too. From now on, I come first. Not my eating disorder. Not other people. I am so done people pleasing and eating disorder pleasing. It's time I start getting MY life back.

To start doing that, I'm going to start volunteering. At animal shelters and stuff like that. I'm going to try to find people that love and care about me. And I'm going to start going for peaceful walks with my dog again. Because I want to. If my ED wants to go for a walk, then I will eat something and not exercise at all that day. Because I'm living for myself now.

Hope

I've been feeling really hopeless the past few days. The ED monster has been really hard.

I haven't been able to get away from him.

Until now.

I was watching multiple videos on YouTube about anorexia hope. I couldn't find any good ones, so I decided to create my own hope.

I went to the mirror, and started taking pictures. Ed planned to take over. But what really happened, was I saw myself. It was like seeing myself for the first time. The girl I saw in the mirror didn't look at all what I usually see. She was sickly skinny. She looked sad.

I'm going to keep those pictures, whenever Ed feels like lying to me. Whenever I'm having a hopeless day, to prove that I'm not what he says I am.

Also, I'm going to get a gym membership. Nooo, not to lose weight. I made a promise to myself. Only workout for 20 minutes. Don't workout if I feel fat. Or if I feel like I ate too much. I don't want working out to be a cover up for what I'm really feeling. I want it to be motivation for me to get healthy. I don't push myself when I'm working out. I can't, my body can't handle it.

I'm also, not going to rely on calories anymore. An 800 calorie sandwich, is not going to kill me. It's going to make me healthy. And it wouldn't hurt me to eat one of these either.

I actually eat one every day for breakfast. With soy milk(:

And, I'm going to change this blog name to Beating Ed. Because that's what I'm going to do.

Everyone has hope inside them. All you have to do is go to the light. It will help you get out of this horrible place. You CAN recover. All you need is a little hope, and people to guide you to it.

And always remember this.

<3 Have a great night everyone!

Shopping with Ed

Today, I decided to go shopping. I needed to get out of the house, and I also needed to buy bigger clothes. I was really excited about shopping.. until Ed decided to make a surprise visit.

I didn't feel like wearing jeans today, so I just wear some leggings with a long sweater, a tank top, and black flats. But when I got to the mall, I felt reallyy insecure. Everyone seemed so much more stylish than me, so much more thinner and prettier than me. And Ed just kept making it worse. He kept whispering in my ear- look, she's sooo much thinner than you. And prettier. I bet she's not in recovery. You shouldn't be either. Remember how fun it used to be when you would under eat and go shopping? Me: yeah? Well now you totally ruined the fun because you already ate what you normally would in one day. Me:Well, so? Shopping can still be fun.. No it won't and you know it. Don't eat dinner tonight. And skip that latte you were going to get Starbucks too. You're getting too fat and your legs are looking fatter than usual.

So, Ed was being a pain in the butt today. I didn't buy anything shopping and came back home pretty sad and frustrated. My mom tried to make me feel better by telling me no, my legs were definitely not fat and I was probably one of the thinnest girls at the mall. I told her that was a total lie, and we didn't talk the rest of the way home.

I'm not sure what to do now. I wish that I could work out, like work out some frustrations. I loved when me and my mom had a gym membership. I would meet up with friends, work out, then we would go swimming or go in the hot tub. It was fun, I really liked going to the gym. It wasn't really a place of torture, it was really fun and I always loved going there. But now whenever I bring up a gym membership, my mom says no working out until I'm healthy. Which is NOT going to happen. I can't really watch a movie or knit or something. The only thing that seems to cheer me up is my dog.

My dog is pretty amazing. I love her to death, she always knows when I'm upset. Like whenever I'm trying to work out when I'm not supposed to, I take a break and she holds me down and sits by me. Or if I'm trying to do sit ups in my room, she hides under my bed and whenever I go down or take a break, she licks me and tries to make me laugh. She's smarter than a lot of people think, and I'm glad to have her in my life. Hopefully she'll cheer me up tonight.

So, I guess I might try to have dinner, but I'm not sure. All I want to do is play with my dog, then watch desperate housewives with a bowl of frozen yogurt.

So Ed, there will be a time where you will not make me feel worthless and bad about myself everyday. I'm going to win this thing, and one day you will be out of my life forever.

Day by Day

Yesterday, was a really hard day for me. I got up, ate breakfast with my mom at 9 and then at 11:30 I started getting hungry. So I put a Amy's Vegan Wrap in the oven and took a shower. After I got out, I had to figure out what to eat with the wrap.

I started panicking. I had no idea what to eat with the wrap. So I got out 4 strawberries. No big deal. Then I ate a handful of white chocolate chips and two spoonfuls of ice cream. Still, no big deal right? I went downstairs to eat, then came back upstairs and hour later and realized I wanted a cliff bar. I panicked for about a half hour, deciding to eat that cliff bar. So I ate it, with another handful of white chocolate chips.

Then, things took a turn for the worst. I began adding up the calories and I was already in the triple digits. Something I usually don't get to until the end of the day. I started pacing back and forth, then walking across one side of my house to the other. Then I turning on the radio and started running. Then a little boxing.

It wasn't a long time, only 22 minutes and I took breaks in between each one but I shouldn't have been working out at all! I started drinking a ton of liquids after that, to almost wash everything out and decided not to eat dinner.

Well 6:00 rolls around, and my parents start making dinner. I get so afraid and try to think of every possible excuse not to eat. Push the food around the plate, drink water first, etc. But when I got to the table, I was surprised that I wanted to eat. I was really hungry. So I ate a good dinner, then a pudding snack. And I was actually proud of myself. I was really full, and it was okay. I didn't feel fat.

So, I've decided to come up with a new plan for myself. No more triple digit calories a day. Nope. I'm gonna eat what a normal person my age would eat. (okay, maybe a little less. Depends on the person I guess). I'm going to work hard at recovery. I'm going to buy bigger clothes, and be scared at first, but I'll get used to it.

I actually really like this new food freedom. I can almost eat whatever I want. It feels so freeing. Yeah, I'll still do the workouts today but to be honest it gives me a lot less anxiety about eating. I'm not going to work out to certain extremes, I'll just do a small amount. Just an amount that isn't too high and one that relieves my anxiety about calories.

I will recover from this. But, I will not be trying to undereat again. Nope. That is not possible in recovery. I will work out, but like I said, only small amounts. I actually like working out. It feels good. I want my fit body back, not a bony one. I don't want people to look at me and question if I have anorexia. I want to be a good example for other girls. I don't want to have an eating disorder anymore. Hopefully, I will be free one day.