Making a difference

As soon as I realized that I actually did want to recover, I wanted to help others recover too! Because recovery is so hard to do on your own! You have to face the table every day and eat, and be brave. For a while, I wasn't very brave. I would talk to other people who had an eating disorder, and they would beg me to eat more and I would tell them I don't feel like trying. I was too scared to face the demon, to stare it in the face and tell it that it was wrong.

It took me a long time to actually face the demon instead of just listening to the lies it told me. For a long time, I wore a size that was almost too small for me because I liked the small size, not the actual clothes. I would ignore the risks and still eat less because thats all I knew how to do. Now, everything has changed.

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't want to be cold anymore or have my brain shrink from lack of food or even have my heart shrink! Before I went to the new clinic, I didn't even know these things. I didn't know the heart shrunk. It did, because its a muscle and when you have an eating disorder, you get really weak.

I want to live now. I want to make a difference. Not gaining weight, isn't going to make a difference. I have to eat more than the average person eats and face my fears because I want to live. Being underweight for so long, is not living. I don't want people to ask me if I'm anorexic on formspring, and I don't even want them to question if I have an eating disorder anymore. I want to be healthy, strong, and beautiful.

We can all beat this. Don't be afraid, we can do this<3

I always listen to this song when I'm feeling sad, it always makes me feel better and stronger.

I will never be as bad as I used to be

I've had so many thoughts about my past lately. Maybe because I'm really depressed all the time, but I just keep remembering them.

I used to always think about my old friends, but now that I talked to them again and know that it may not work out between them, I don't think about that at all anymore because I no longer miss them.

I've really been thinking about one time in particular.

I was at my cabin, it was July. It was deep in my eating disorder. I was only eating less than 500 calories a day. My body looked like a 10 year olds. But, I remember that I wanted to recover, but something was pulling me back. I now know that was my eating disorder, but I was so torn and lost at the moment, I had no idea.

I decided to bake at the cabin, and when I always bake, I eat. I baked sugar cookie bars and these s'mores bars. I decided to only eat one of each, but that didn't happen.

What happened was, I baked the sugar cookie bars, and ate a ton of mini chocolate cookies along the way, along with some frosting, and 1 sugar cookie bar when they were done. To a normal person, they probably wouldn't feel that full, but to me I felt awful. So I did what I always do when I feel bad about what I ate, I drank tons of water. I was even more full after that, and I still felt awful so I took a nap.

The rest of the day, only kept getting worse. I kept eating more and more and cooking, and I felt so bad about it. I vowed not the eat the next day.

After dinner that day, I was still extremely guilty, so I jumped in the lake by our cabin and started swimming, to burn calories. I was still really full too, so I didn't swim much. But it felt good to exercise, I almost got a high from it in a way.

The next day came around, and all the food was still there. I was so tempted by it. So I drank water and skipped breakfast. But I started getting hungry, so I started eating. I couldn't stop, so I came up with a "plan".

I took a lot of sweets downstairs into the bathroom, and started chewing and spitting. I was eating some too, which I felt bad about so I tried to throw up. It didn't work. So I begged my mom to go swimming, and I started swimming again, even more than before. That was probably the worst weekend of my life.

I'm not sure why I keep remembering that. I always think about it almost every day. Maybe I was close to happy then, but I don't think so. I just remember that being one of the worst times of my eating disorder. I remember another really bad time, but I'll write about that later.

I have been trying to find ways to make me happy, but I'll write about that later too. This post was mainly to vent. Maybe I'll finally start to forget that bad weekend now.

But we always have to remember, we can't be jealous of those thinner than us. Because in reality, we're jealous of their illness, not of them.

Day by Day

Yesterday, was a really hard day for me. I got up, ate breakfast with my mom at 9 and then at 11:30 I started getting hungry. So I put a Amy's Vegan Wrap in the oven and took a shower. After I got out, I had to figure out what to eat with the wrap.

I started panicking. I had no idea what to eat with the wrap. So I got out 4 strawberries. No big deal. Then I ate a handful of white chocolate chips and two spoonfuls of ice cream. Still, no big deal right? I went downstairs to eat, then came back upstairs and hour later and realized I wanted a cliff bar. I panicked for about a half hour, deciding to eat that cliff bar. So I ate it, with another handful of white chocolate chips.

Then, things took a turn for the worst. I began adding up the calories and I was already in the triple digits. Something I usually don't get to until the end of the day. I started pacing back and forth, then walking across one side of my house to the other. Then I turning on the radio and started running. Then a little boxing.

It wasn't a long time, only 22 minutes and I took breaks in between each one but I shouldn't have been working out at all! I started drinking a ton of liquids after that, to almost wash everything out and decided not to eat dinner.

Well 6:00 rolls around, and my parents start making dinner. I get so afraid and try to think of every possible excuse not to eat. Push the food around the plate, drink water first, etc. But when I got to the table, I was surprised that I wanted to eat. I was really hungry. So I ate a good dinner, then a pudding snack. And I was actually proud of myself. I was really full, and it was okay. I didn't feel fat.

So, I've decided to come up with a new plan for myself. No more triple digit calories a day. Nope. I'm gonna eat what a normal person my age would eat. (okay, maybe a little less. Depends on the person I guess). I'm going to work hard at recovery. I'm going to buy bigger clothes, and be scared at first, but I'll get used to it.

I actually really like this new food freedom. I can almost eat whatever I want. It feels so freeing. Yeah, I'll still do the workouts today but to be honest it gives me a lot less anxiety about eating. I'm not going to work out to certain extremes, I'll just do a small amount. Just an amount that isn't too high and one that relieves my anxiety about calories.

I will recover from this. But, I will not be trying to undereat again. Nope. That is not possible in recovery. I will work out, but like I said, only small amounts. I actually like working out. It feels good. I want my fit body back, not a bony one. I don't want people to look at me and question if I have anorexia. I want to be a good example for other girls. I don't want to have an eating disorder anymore. Hopefully, I will be free one day.

Jealousy

I think Jealousy is the worst emotion someone can experience. It is for me anyway. And I guess I have to admit, I was always jealous of J. She was so well liked. Now, she just got a boyfriend. And how am I coping with it? By not eating/: I realize that this is so selfish. I should be happy for her that she's happy instead of not eating and feeling jealous.

I also have to realize that, things will get better. There will be a time in my life, where I don't feel like curling up in a ball and crying all the time. God is helping me not feel jealousy. But, I am sort of grateful that I am feeling some sort of emotion, instead of feeling numb all the time. I've realized that I shouldn't feel this way, and I'm trying to move on from it.

It's just hard to feel good about yourself, when it seems like a person has the perfect life. A boyfriend, a good family, babysitting, and a ton of friends, when you yourself don't have any of those things.

But, on a good note, I have finally decided to go to a different eating disorder clinic. I can't just have a good dietitian and a bad therapist. It has to be equal. I really need help and I need someone that will be there for me. Not only do I not have a good connection with this therapist, but her schedule does not work with mine. I can't just not see my therapist for a week. That does damage for me.

So the place I've decided to go to is great(: There's so many therapist's, dietitian's, and phychiatrists. They have four levels of outpatient care and it sounds like they work with you a lot(: So I would see a therapist and dietitian and probably someone else once a week. They're there a lot so we won't have to worry about schedules.

I just have to let God help me through this. If I let him guide me, I will not feel jealous anymore. I will be happy and content with my life. And when I really think about it, I shouldn't be jealous! I don't want a boyfriend now. Boys are not exactly.. mature enough for me yet. And with all the issues I'm dealing with, I wouldn't want them to know about any of that.

So, life gets better. I just have to keep saying that over and over- it gets better. Because it applies to people with eating disorders too. I just have to have faith that it will.

Still Sick

warning: may be triggering

I'm stuck. Today, my period came back and I know I should see that as a good sign, but I don't. The ED keeps taunting me saying it came back already?! you're so fat. Please lose weight you're so worthless. I'm so sick of looking at myself, all I see is fat. All I see is a problem that needs to be fixed.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I skipped breakfast, lunch, and only ate dinner on Friday. I even tried to work out, but I ended up barely doing anything because I was so weak from lack of food. And today, I also ate less. Not a lot less, but I also biked and walked today and it's less than I usually eat.

I really wish I wasn't stuck on the roller coaster of emotions. Sad, fat, guilty, depressed, happy, hyper, mad. All happening within one day. I just want to jump off because I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the guilt of eating more and gaining weight. It's too much for me to handle. I freak out over a 1/2 lb gain!

I realize now, that I am not perfect. There is no way for me to be happy 24/7. But something needs to change. I had an appointment with my doctor today, and she thinks I need a new clinic. Sure, this one has gotten me far, but I need to move on. Or else I'm going to keep on going backwards in recovery.

I have to keep reminding myself why I want recovery. I want it because:

-I want to be able to eat whatever I want, and work out every other day

-I want to bake without worrying if I'm going to eat too much

-I want to eat at the cheesecake factory and be able to eat the next day

-I want to have a normal mind. Meaning, no guilt over eating or thinking about food too much

-I don't want to be overly cold anymore

-I want to have kids one day (before I'm 28)

I need recovery. I want it, but I'm afraid. Afraid of being fat. Afraid of feeling worthless all the time. But the truth is, I'm sick of this. I want to eat at least 1,500 calories and work out and not feel guilty. I want to have the energy to run 5 miles.

I guess I'll just see what happens. I know what is best for myself, but it's hard to actually do that. The ED, is NOT going to win. I will win this fight, even if it takes forever.

Fear

Like I said before, I have been struggling lately. I've been eating 1,200 calories a day for a long time. Before it was okay, it was enough to keep me full. Now, my stomach has expanded and it wants more food. I was really hungry yesterday so I really didn't eat much of my dinner. When I'm not properly fed or anything, I really crave sweets. So I had 4 cookies with some frosting. I know that's not a good dinner at all, but I really couldn't help it. I tried to eat my dinner, but it just wasn't doing it. Maybe because it was something I didn't like very much. I'm not sure. But yesterday was definitely not a good day for me.

I've been trying to get myself to eat more but it's hard. The ED always jumps in and says sure. if you work out for 45 minutes. Or it says no, just drink some water. Or do you want to become more fat then you already are? Drink some water. You'll be fine. You don't really need food. I know all of these are lies. But it's hard. It's so hard to separate the eating disorder thoughts from my own. But now, I'm going to do it. I have to think long and hard about each decision I make. When I go for a walk I have to think, does the eating disorder want this? Or do I want it? The same thing is for my weight. I want to gain weight. The eating disorder does not want me to gain weight. And the same is for a cookie. But almost different. I have to think, have will I feel after I eat this cookie? Good? Then I will eat it. If not, then I won't eat it.

I realize now that the eating disorder never ever wanted me to gain weight. Even at my lowest weight. It had a fit when I gained 4 pounds in 11 days. But I needed that. I was really underweight. I still am. But the thing is, I don't want people to be afraid of my body. I don't want people to say oh my god. She's so thin. I want them to say wow. she looks great! I used to want the first one. Not anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that a body gotten with anorexia, isn't a body worth keeping at all.

So what now? Hmm.. well first I need to increase my calories. I already came up with different breakfast ideas that contain more calories. They're healthy, but not the healthiest thing in the world. But honestly I don't care anymore. I want to be able to eat a veggie burger without the ED coming in and saying do you know how many calories that is?! Put it down NOW. Don't eat it. You don't want to be fat, do you? I want to be able to eat frozen yogurt and a veggie burger for dinner without any guilt. I want to be able to eat at a restaurant without panicking. I want to be able to be free. Free from this illness and able to live my life the way that I want to.

Bad Cravings

I know I was talking about healthy eating last time but for some reason I've been craving junk food lately. Weird.. i don't like junk food that much and the only junk food i keep in the house is pop tarts, which i eat for breakfast and i occasionally bake healthier sweets. I really really want to eat healthy but for some reason, i really want a poptart right now. But i already had some this morning. This is why i don't like keeping these in the house. I eat them, and then i feel bad about it later. I hope these feelings eventually go away and i feel great about what I'm eating. But part of me feels that it almost keep me like, in check. I want poptarts now but I'm unsure about eating them so I'm not going to have them.

I wish it wasn't a constant battle with my eating disorder. For example, if i have this, then i can't have this and then i can have this. Or i can eat all this and then I'll be closer to my goal weight and then i can have permission to work out and then I'll be able to do whatever i want and they won't watch what i eat anymore. Perfect. I wish i could be like my parents. They eat whatever they want. But then again.. they never work out and they're not in shape. Not that I'm judging or anything. I want to be in shape. I don't want to be unhealthy anymore and I want to eat healthy things. With the occasional unhealthy thing. Is that bad? One thing I'm going to let go of, is the guilt of eating more than i planned to.

Last Christmas was probably the worst. I was at a healthy weight and i was working out normally but i was still secretly obsessed and the eating disorder was still there. I remember making a cheesecake but no one was eating it so i felt like i had to eat it. I ate three or four slices along with dinner and lunch and felt incredibly guilty about it. Christmas was at our house, so i figured I'll work out. So i workout out, at Christmas, when my whole family was over. It sounds so bad now that i write it. I know that I'll be incredibly glad when that obsession is gone but.. how long is that going to take?

I'm just glad i have a little bit more freedom now. Sure, the thoughts are still there but I'm doing better. Before, if i ate a small roll that was 100 calories over my daily limit, i would feel like I'd instantly gained 5 pounds and would stand for a long time in the mirror picking out flaws about myself. Compared to then, i guess I've come a long ways. Now, all i need to do is regain balance. Eat healthy, work out everyday, and enjoy the occasional treat. Hopefully I'll get there soon and overcome this.