Weekend

Thank you all for the wonderful comments!(: Sorry I haven't commented on blogs lately! I've actually been very busy for once! That and my computer got a virus:( so I have to go on my ipod or use my moms super slow computer which I'm on now. Hopefully it will get fixed soon.

The weekend was actually really fun!(: Friday I went shopping with my mom and read the book The Lovely Bones (has anyone read it or seen the movie?), On Saturday I had Christmas with my dads side of the family (I know, late, but it always is), and today I met with some cousins & family at a restaurant to see my cousins new baby.

The weekend has been pretty good eating wise too. I actually have a goal weight in mind for me for once. Not for doctors, my parents, or my eating disorder (because Ed doesn't want me to gain!) for me. It's at the low end of the healthy range, but it's in the healthy range and I think thats all that matters.

I've been pretty happy lately too. I guess the key to being happy is being around people you love all the time(: Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!

Thanksgiving Frustrations

I think Thanksgiving, is hard for a lot of people. Mainly people with eating disorders. This year, it really wasn't as hard as before, but it was still very difficult.

Me and my dad starting cooking at around noon, so the food didn't really get done until four. I had a chocolate vita muffin in the morning and then half a naked juice smoothie and then ate little tiny bites of things here and there.

But when it was actually time to eat, I didn't really want to. Sure, I only made four things but still, it's a lot for me. I mainly rely on frozen meals like morning star or Amy's that have the calories posted on the back. I didn't know the calorie content of these at all, which really scared me. But, I ate it. I had; 1 slice vegan lasagna which was totally amazing, 1 piece cornbread, 1 slice vegan red velvet cake, and 2 bites sweet potatoes. Then my mom brought back pies later, so I had two more bites of red velvet cake, a slice of pumpkin cheesecake, and a slice of pudding pie that I had made the day before.

I wasn't really feeling guilty up until my mom got home with the pies. But, I wanted to eat them today because the ED has a certain, rule. When you "binge" it has to be one day. You have to get it all over with in one day. No extra binges tomorrow or you will be a fat pig. Sad, isn't it? I didn't binge. Sure, I ate more sweets but that's just how I am. I like sweet things. They're really good, which is why I never really cook that much. But, I'm going to start. I made the vegan lasagna and it was really good! I can't wait to make other vegetarian/vegan meals.

So, I guess it was a good Thanksgiving. The guilt was the worst part, but I got through it. I ate less today, but I might eat more tomorrow.

But, I did figure out one thing. I have to actually give people a chance. Z and I have been friends for a long time, but we've only really hung out in school. And not very much either. So on Monday, she invited me to go shopping on black Friday. I was skeptical at first, but I decided to go. And I had a lot of fun! I was a little dizzy from not eating much, but I had a smoothie and was a little better. Next time I'll eat a good lunch so I'm.. fully "there". Like, I almost wasn't there. You know? I was dizzy, so it was hard to focus on things.

Another reason why anorexia isn't worth it. I can't wait for the new clinic on Monday. I really need them!

Until then, I'll just have to try to cope. I'm just glad I'm busy this weekend so I don't think about food too much and sit in my room being miserable. Today I was busy all day shopping with Z, and tomorrow, Me and my mom are going to get my little cousin in Wisconsin. She's so cute! She doesn't really have any good girl role models (her parents are divorced & her dads fiance is mean and drinks a lot) so we try to hang out with her a lot. We're going to Trader Joe's, going back to my house & decorating gingerbread houses, then seeing a movie and bringing her home. I'm excited! It's going to be fun(:

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!

Finally busy

I can't remember the last time I've been busy. I think I was busy last year, but for different reasons. I was in tennis and that kept me a bit busy, but not by much. This year is completely different. I had a meeting with ignite model management today and it went great! I've emailed them photos before, but they weren't professional so they didn't contact me. This time, they contacted me within a week! Their office was impossible to find, but the extra walking and wrong directions were worth it. I think this is meant to be. This agency/management company is really different than the ones I've been to. I keep getting signs that it's meant to be. That I'm meant to be there. Another difference is that this agency is actually known. People have heard of them and in the last fashion show I worked on, their models were actually in the show!

They're going to meet with us again soon to discuss contracts and stuff and I'm so excited. I never used to get excited right away about modeling agencies and stuff but this time I was really excited right away. I feel really good about this. I might even get jobs from here and get to go to Japan, New York, and other amazing places. This is the first time I've been busy the whole day, and it felt great. Now that I'm in online school, I get to do whatever. If my mom is home on Thursday, I can go to the mall in the middle of the day! I'm so open to do pretty much whatever I want. That doesn't mean I still have homework though. I actually have more than before, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it.

After we met with them, we went to my dietitian. My dietitian is great. She understands me completely and she's super nice. My therapist on the other hand, is another story. It's not that my therapist isn't nice, she is but we just don't understand each other. We just don't connect. Last week and the week before that she mentioned inpatient care. What?! I thought I was way past that. I had no idea why she mentioned it and I felt so sad because I felt like she didn't realize my progress. And I also feel like I can't talk to her. There's always dead air between us, and I don't think it's supposed to be that way. I feel bad for talking about her this way, but I just had to get it out. I'm frustrated. I feel like I can't open up to her. I told my dietitian and she said that I just had to tell her. If I don't tell her, than she'll probably just be hurt and angry. I guess I'll just see what happens.. I meet with her tomorrow and I just have to be honest with her that it's not working out.

After that, we went to an all natural foods store. I like grocery shopping, I do, but I feel bad when I get too many things. But I shouldn't feel bad! I'm running out of food and I need food to live. This isn't like before when I ate 500 calories a day so the food lasted forever. I actually eat the food and enjoy. This is the first time I've actually got excited about food! I found a ton of meat replacement items, which was great. I never, ever, used to go directly for the meat but now I do because I like it, it's not actually meat, and it tastes better than meat! I also found a great dairy-free coconut milk yogurt and dairy-free coconut milk ice cream that I was excited about. The ice cream was green tea, so obviously I loved it ;)

I also love the strides I've made. I actually want friends now, but I'm not desperate anymore. I've realized my old friends weren't worth it and I've moved on. I've found an amazing job that I could make I ton of money! I also finally found a great church. I've always wanted to go to church, but my beliefs aren't so strict so I didn't want to go to one. Now, I've found a great one that does a ton of volunteer work and even has a eating disorder group! I'm going there on Sunday, so I'll see how it goes. I have a good feeling about this. I have a good feeling about life. It's finally starting to get better. I'm finally starting to be happy.

-Sorry this is so long! I just wanted to share my happiness(: