Update

Sorry I've been gone the past week! I've been trying to stay off the computer a little bit. I'll try to at least blog though(:

Everything has been going pretty well, I guess. I've been a little happier so I think the prozac is starting to kick in. I've also been eating more and I'm trying to at least fit in one snack. So far I've gained like 1 lb but that isn't much. I thought I had gained 5, but of course that was just Ed trying to manipulate me again.

I was talking with the family therapist about weight and body image and we started working on ways to fight back to Ed. Like if he said;

-Don't eat that brownie or else you'll get fat.

I could say;

-Actually, I won't get fat. I need to gain weight and eating one little brownie won't make me gain a ton of weight. Besides, I like brownies(: They're good and I'm not going to let you stop me from eating it.

Or if he says something about me like;

-Your legs are fat. Go to a gym already! No more sweets. And it's 1000 calories a day from now on, okay?

I could say;

-My legs are not fat and I am not fat. I hate that word! Stop calling me fat and stop bullying me. I want to live my life and not have you tormenting me.

So far I've said those things back and he doesn't have a response(: The past few days I've even had some fear foods too! Like a nutella sandwich. I've always been afraid of nutella because of the calories, but now I think it's really good! I had a nutella sandwich like two days in a row I liked it so much. I also had a regular peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Before, I would eat the frozen kind because it had the calories on the back but now I like making it myself. And I even added extra peanut butter this time(:

Have a great weekend everyone! I might update again this weekend.

Weekend

Thank you all for the wonderful comments!(: Sorry I haven't commented on blogs lately! I've actually been very busy for once! That and my computer got a virus:( so I have to go on my ipod or use my moms super slow computer which I'm on now. Hopefully it will get fixed soon.

The weekend was actually really fun!(: Friday I went shopping with my mom and read the book The Lovely Bones (has anyone read it or seen the movie?), On Saturday I had Christmas with my dads side of the family (I know, late, but it always is), and today I met with some cousins & family at a restaurant to see my cousins new baby.

The weekend has been pretty good eating wise too. I actually have a goal weight in mind for me for once. Not for doctors, my parents, or my eating disorder (because Ed doesn't want me to gain!) for me. It's at the low end of the healthy range, but it's in the healthy range and I think thats all that matters.

I've been pretty happy lately too. I guess the key to being happy is being around people you love all the time(: Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!

It's beginning to feel a lott like Christmass(:

It's FINALLY starting to feel like Christmas. I'm so glad. And I'm so happy(: for now anyway, I really hope that it lasts. This may be a quick post but who knows, I talk a lot(;

I think I'm starting to feel happier because I'm getting out a lot more. If I just stay locked up in the house for days, of course I'm going to get depressed. I'm not talking to anyone or really doing anything.

I have been going for a few walks lately. They're so much fun(: I usually don't go for very long, and I have to bundle up a lot, but they're still fun. I usually go with my dad and my dog and have a latte afterwards. The chai tea latte from Dunn bros is my new favorite.

I also went Christmas shopping alll day today. I got my mom these yummy truffles from See's candy, and some fuzzy socks. They're soo soft!

I got my dog a tonn. I love my dog(: She makes me happy so I got her a lot. I got her a cute pink coat, 2 toys, some new chewies, and some gourmet treats that she loves. I'll post pictures of her in the coat later(:

I think it's starting to feel like Christmas again because my mom put up a cute Christmas tree in the living room and put presents under it. I already opened one, it was an outfit from express:D I love express, I already know the shoes I'm going to wear with it also. I'll post pictures of the Christmas tree & my Christmas express outfit sometime later.

So this weekend has been really fun. I saw the movie how do you know yesterday at like 9:30 pm and it kinda sucked, but I liked going out late. I also ate at this cute buffet style restaurant called Q.cumbers and it was so good! My fear of eating out no longer exists. I don't want to limit myself, so I've ate out a lot lately. And surprisingly, every time I go out my portions aren't huge, they're pretty normal sized. I'm glad that I'm able to eat out without worrying again(: I missed eating out and not restricting the day after.

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I almost forget these this week! Good thing I remembered(:

I lovee frozen yogurt(: I really like the soft serve kind, but this is the next best thing.

This tastes amazing with white chocolate chips or yogurt chips

My mom made this salad for me a few days ago(: It's soo good! It's basically just cheddar cheese, apples, and lettuce. I haven't found a dressing I like yet. I kinda like french, so maybe I'll try that next time.



This was the cutest movie ever. I know that I say that a lot, but it really is. The guy is like, totally perfect(: People called him a nerd throughout the movie, but he's soo not. Another great John Hughes movie.

This is probably my favorite naked juice. It's fruit andd vegetables. I love it.

And lastly, my favorite quote of the week(:



Have a great night everyone!

Friends make life worthwhile

Okay, sorry I've been totally MIA for the past few days, but I've had a lot on my mind.

So, I finally talked to J again. We've been talking a lot since yesterday. I guess it was kind of mutual. So you guys were right. We both really missed each other and we missed hanging out together. And I found out something really interesting. She has an ED too!

After my experience this summer, all the pieces really came together. I always thought about the past, so it made sense. She was very skinny in 7th and 8th grade. And not just average skinny, very very skinny. The summer of 8th grade, she started eating more and I think she mentioned she was seeing a dietitian. That was when my ED was first starting up, so I didn't really put much thought into it.

Towards the end of the summer, she started giving some of her clothes away to C. They didn't fit her anymore, so she couldn't wear them. But thinking about it all, I have to say she hid it well. I'm an really open person so I'm bad at hiding things. I've never really told many people like, in person about it. I've told my cousin, who doesn't understand, and one of my other friends who was into modeling and had an ED too. This was in the middle of the year last year. We were both so confused. Lets call this girl, H. H, felt bad about what she ate. She wanted to model too. She wasn't the skinniest person, but she looked really great. She just never realized it herself. Me and H always texted each other when we "overate" last winter and gave each other tips on restricting.

After I didn't have a class with H, we didn't talk that much anymore. But I did recently talk to her, and it sounds like she's doing well. She's given up on modeling but she's happy for me that I'm starting.

Anyway back to the main topic, me and J are pretty much friends again. She has really grown up in the past 6 months. I told her she can text me whenever she feels bad or alone and we talked about getting better. But, I have decided not to be friends with C again. Although she may seem like a sweet person, there is something off there. Something that is not right. I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I mention her.

So all in all, I'm happy now(: I see everything falling into place, everything better. I'm going to get my studies taken care of, I'm having a sleepover with J & some friends next weekend, I'm going to try to keep pursuing modeling, and I'm finallyy going to start studying for my permit test. Sooner or later, this ED will slowly disappear. My life will be so great, there will be no room for an eating disorder. At all.

Sadness

I know I said I was changing, and I'm trying but it's hard. Today was especially harder.

I'm home alone all day, so I usually text my mom. Sometimes she doesn't respond and I get even lonelier than before. I have my dog, and the computer, and sometimes I have classes but I don't think it's enough sometimes. Me and my mom got in a fight because I felt lonely.. kind of. I was really really cold today and I looked in the mirror and was afraid. I'm just.. too skinny. So I asked my mom if she could pick up Culver's. Fast food right now is really the only way for me to gain weight. Sorta. It has a lot of calories, so I get less for more. I don't usually over think the calories of it. At home, there's only healthy food. Which I like, but on days where I feel like that, it's good to eat fast food.

She said no and we got in a fight about other stupid stuff and I got really sad. When I'm feeling sad or hopeless and there's no one around me, I think of destructive things to do. Cutting, Running, drinking wayy too much water, bottle of pills.. etc. I know it's so bad, but these moments happen. It's why I should make a list. A list of things to make me feel better when I'm feeling down. I've been forgetting about it, but I'm finally going to make it. I need it. I need a list of little things to cheer me up.

What my mom has to understand though, is that I need someone. I'm home alone all day and if talking to her only for a little bit each day while she's gone making me feel better, then she should do that.

The reason I couldn't get Culver's myself is because... well.. I don't exactly have my permit yet. I know it's so bad but I took the drivers ed class two months ago. And I've been meaning to take the test and then go in for behind the wheel lessons, but I'm scared. Last time I drove, my dad put too much pressure on me to stay behind the line or something and I accidentally drove the other way into a ditch. I probably shouldn't be practicing without a permit but it was up north and no one was around. It wasn't on a highway or popular road and if cars came by, we would drive to a dirt road.

Driving just scares me. I always see car accidents and mean crazy drivers. But, I just need to get over my fear. I need to move on. I need to study for the permit test, actually finally take the test, and get behind the wheel lessons. And by doing this and finally getting my license sometime later, I don't need to wait for my mom to drive me everywhere. I can go places by myself. I can go take a walk in a popular place or go to the mall or go look at new schools. Doing something instead of just sitting at home.

Like I said, I have put thought into a public/private school. But I'm not sure. I think I'm scared because my old school was so bad. One time there was even rumors of a shooting. It never happened but it really could have. At my old school, the people were just awful. They were so mean and snotty. There was chew in the sink, wet paper towels on the wall in the girls bathroom, people skipped class for 15 Min's and then came back high. It was sad. I don't want to be at a school like that. I want to be at a school where I don't look around and feel alone.

I'll keep looking. In the meantime, I have to start looking for jobs. After I get my license. Or before. Wow I have a lot to do.. but being busy is better than being sad.

Isn't it cute? This is definitely going on the happiness list.

Change

I used to really hate change. Every time I got a new schedule for a new semester of school I would groan because I didn't know anyone and I liked the way it was. Not anymore. I'm tired of sitting around wallowing in my own stupid misery and depression. I want to do something about it! I want to be busy and happy. I want to stop feeling insecure when I see someone with more confidence and better clothes than me.

Today, I did something about it. I went to another new church. It was okay, better than last time, but it was huge!! There was so many people. Probably too much for me but the good thing is, they have other smaller churches exactly like the one I went to today. And closer to where I live too! This one was 45 minutes away. Worth the drive though!

I think that I like change, but I'm sort of afraid of it. Or I used to be. I'm so tired of living in an unhappy bubble. I want to have friends and laugh and to actually enjoy life. Today somehow changed that. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was actually busy. I went to church at 11, ate, visited my grandma, went shoe shopping(:, did some unit exams for school, and watched desperate housewives. It may not be how I usually or used to spend the day, but I liked it. I wasn't alone or sad at all today. I was happy.

Feeling busy is, I guess a way for me feeling happy. Whether it's shopping, coming home late, or a modeling thing, I feel great after doing so.

Now that I've tackled getting out of the house, I have to start doing other things too. I can't keep pouting that modeling isn't taking off, I have to do something about it!

My mom actually has a friend in the modeling business. Okay.. not friend but old childhood neighbor. But still, it's a start! My mom's friend has her own agency or something so we're going to mail them photos. It may take a while to get there, but it's worth it. The wait is worth it if something good comes out of it.

I've actually put more thought into going to a public/private school. Before I was so apposed to it. Now, I guess I'm warming up. I can't really meet people if I'm sitting on my butt on the computer right? Okay.. I kinda can but you know what I mean.

So all in all, I like change(: I've been even thinking about changing my room. I really like these rooms.







I would put quotes on the walls and maybe some black and white/in color pictures too. I can't wait for everything to change(:

How I stay happy

If I wasn't for my little dog Baily, I don't think I would stay sane. She's really the one that keeps me going on everyday. She's the one that keeps me happy. I know it sounds weird but hey, look at her! Isn't she cute? She always knows how to cheer me up when I'm sad and she always wakes me up in the morning. Dogs are almost like the best friend that doesn't judge you. They're always there for you and they always will be. They're not going anywhere. That's why I love animals so much. It's almost like they listen to your problems and don't judge or do anything.

I haven't really been able to be outside much lately. I've had so much homework! And the worst part is, they've put limitations on my exercise. And when I say they, I mean the doctor, therapist, and dietitian. It all started with the EKG scan. My doctor listened to my heart, took my blood pressure or something, took blood, but didn't weigh me. Everything was fine except the scan. But that's not the weird part yet. The weird part is, my child doctor who i haven't seen or talked to in a year, called my wellness/recovery clinic. She looked at the results of the EKG scan and said no exercise and she was "really concerned". Uhm, okay if you were really concerned then why didn't you call me and my parents? It made me really mad. Me and my mom decided not to see her anymore a long time ago so we've been seeing a new doctor for the past 6 months. Mainly because the other doctor is so crabby and negative and mean.

But anyway, when my dietitian told me this I was really sad. Taking walks by the lake with my dog is the only thing keeping me happy right now. Well that and baking. Not really modeling because the agency hasn't contacted us yet. So my mom called my doctor and she got it all straightened out. My doctor said that I wasn't that bad. My results on the scan were like 59 or something and she said the normal is 60. My childhood doctor said it was really low. No.. it was not in fact low. It was low, but it wasn't extremely low and she shouldn't be saying these things if she's not the one seeing me or taking the scans.

I guess when I think about it, I was 50% mad and the other half was the ED that was mad. But it was almost like people putting rules on my life. Which is what I'm trying to stay away from because with the ED, I had so many stupid rules. Now, I'm breaking all those rules.

I just have to be sort of careful with what I eat. Sometimes I think I'm getting Orthorexia nervosa, but I don't really think that's true. My eating habits have really improved. I still eat really unhealthy things like cake pops, cheese pizza, chocolate chip cookies, and coke zero. The last thing I need is to develop another disease. But I'm not going to. I am in control of my own life. Nothing is going to stop me from living my life now. Not the ED or anything.

Finally busy

I can't remember the last time I've been busy. I think I was busy last year, but for different reasons. I was in tennis and that kept me a bit busy, but not by much. This year is completely different. I had a meeting with ignite model management today and it went great! I've emailed them photos before, but they weren't professional so they didn't contact me. This time, they contacted me within a week! Their office was impossible to find, but the extra walking and wrong directions were worth it. I think this is meant to be. This agency/management company is really different than the ones I've been to. I keep getting signs that it's meant to be. That I'm meant to be there. Another difference is that this agency is actually known. People have heard of them and in the last fashion show I worked on, their models were actually in the show!

They're going to meet with us again soon to discuss contracts and stuff and I'm so excited. I never used to get excited right away about modeling agencies and stuff but this time I was really excited right away. I feel really good about this. I might even get jobs from here and get to go to Japan, New York, and other amazing places. This is the first time I've been busy the whole day, and it felt great. Now that I'm in online school, I get to do whatever. If my mom is home on Thursday, I can go to the mall in the middle of the day! I'm so open to do pretty much whatever I want. That doesn't mean I still have homework though. I actually have more than before, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it.

After we met with them, we went to my dietitian. My dietitian is great. She understands me completely and she's super nice. My therapist on the other hand, is another story. It's not that my therapist isn't nice, she is but we just don't understand each other. We just don't connect. Last week and the week before that she mentioned inpatient care. What?! I thought I was way past that. I had no idea why she mentioned it and I felt so sad because I felt like she didn't realize my progress. And I also feel like I can't talk to her. There's always dead air between us, and I don't think it's supposed to be that way. I feel bad for talking about her this way, but I just had to get it out. I'm frustrated. I feel like I can't open up to her. I told my dietitian and she said that I just had to tell her. If I don't tell her, than she'll probably just be hurt and angry. I guess I'll just see what happens.. I meet with her tomorrow and I just have to be honest with her that it's not working out.

After that, we went to an all natural foods store. I like grocery shopping, I do, but I feel bad when I get too many things. But I shouldn't feel bad! I'm running out of food and I need food to live. This isn't like before when I ate 500 calories a day so the food lasted forever. I actually eat the food and enjoy. This is the first time I've actually got excited about food! I found a ton of meat replacement items, which was great. I never, ever, used to go directly for the meat but now I do because I like it, it's not actually meat, and it tastes better than meat! I also found a great dairy-free coconut milk yogurt and dairy-free coconut milk ice cream that I was excited about. The ice cream was green tea, so obviously I loved it ;)

I also love the strides I've made. I actually want friends now, but I'm not desperate anymore. I've realized my old friends weren't worth it and I've moved on. I've found an amazing job that I could make I ton of money! I also finally found a great church. I've always wanted to go to church, but my beliefs aren't so strict so I didn't want to go to one. Now, I've found a great one that does a ton of volunteer work and even has a eating disorder group! I'm going there on Sunday, so I'll see how it goes. I have a good feeling about this. I have a good feeling about life. It's finally starting to get better. I'm finally starting to be happy.

-Sorry this is so long! I just wanted to share my happiness(:

What life is like without an eating disorder

What is life without an eating disorder? I'm not sure because I've had one for so long. Not as long as some other people, but still a long time. And I keep trying to think what life would be like without anorexia, but it's hard because I feel like I've had this for so long.

I guess like without an eating disorder would be life with happiness. Life without worrying about stomach fat, exercising, overeating, and how many calories are in this food or that food. Life without an eating disorder would mean I would be free. I would be free to make my own choices without someone in my head telling me what to eat and when and how much to exercise. Life without an eating disorder would be amazing. I wouldn't have to worry how fat or skinny I am because I would be skinny. And I would believe that for once in my life.

Life without an eating disorder equals hope. Hopefully, I'll be free one day. Then I can help others like me.

Happiness

I can't remember the last time I was really, truly happy. It was a long time ago that I had a big happy smile on my face. Except today. Today, I had a pretty good day. Sure, I didn't eat that well, but I got over it and didn't feel guilty that I had too much of one thing. And It's only one day. I can pick myself up again tomorrow and start over.

I think the main reason I'm really happy today is because I'm finally involved with something. It's something I was kinda unsure about before, but now I'm really excited! I'm helping a fashion coordinator with Fashion week in the twin cities and I'm becoming her assistant on Friday. I can't even begin to describe how huge this is. It's just.. amazing! The twin cities never had a fashion week before soIi came at exactly the right time. It was meant to happen. And also, I've always wanted to see what the behind the scenes stuff was and I could also get a job someday out of this! And it's all thanks to my mom. My mom is so great. My birthday is coming up in two weeks and I was telling her how I didn't want it to be my birthday because I was so lonely so it wouldn't be a good birthday so we might as well just forget my birthday all together. So she called up this fashion place and asked if I could help! Thank you so much mom. If you ever read this, just know how much I appreciate you for all you do for me.

Anyway, I get to work there from 3-11 pm on Friday, running around and helping with things here and there. Hopefully I can take pictures but I might be really busy.

All in all, life seems great right now. It really does. This is the first time I've been really happy in months and I hope it lasts.

Little problems

The past week, I've been so confused. Since I've been eating more and trying not to aim for 1,200 calories a day anymore, I've been a lot more conscious of what i put into my body. These are some of the questions I've been so confused about for the past week: When should i eat? Every four hours? What if i eat 200 calories every 2 hours? Wait.. how many calories would that be? Will i ever be normal again? How much water should i drink a day? Should i stop buying fat free stuff? How much and how often should i work out? Will i look how i looked three years ago? Ew i don't want to look like that, gross! Did i gain ten pounds when i was on vacation last year? I think i had a good body before then. I hope these questions will eventually go away. They're so annoying and they always send me worrying and then i go looking at old pictures of myself and worry some more.

I know these problems aren't that big of a deal but this truth is, i don't want to look how i did three years ago. I never worked out then and i ate however i wanted. Was i happy? Wait.. i was happy then. Weird.. i wasn't working out then. But maybe i was one of those people who didn't care. Who didn't care what size of jeans i was wearing, who didn't care what my weight was and didn't care how i ate. I was a normal person back then but have i changed for the better now?

When i think about the body i want, i picture my body before my family went on vacation last year. I was eating normally, snacking on 100 calorie snacks, not counting calories, working out regularly, and wasn't too obsessed about what i looked like. I was happy.

So how can i be how i used to be? By having snacks in my diet. I've got the whole three meals a day thing down, now i just have to add in little snacks. I'll recover from this illness. I know i will.