Bad Cravings

I know I was talking about healthy eating last time but for some reason I've been craving junk food lately. Weird.. i don't like junk food that much and the only junk food i keep in the house is pop tarts, which i eat for breakfast and i occasionally bake healthier sweets. I really really want to eat healthy but for some reason, i really want a poptart right now. But i already had some this morning. This is why i don't like keeping these in the house. I eat them, and then i feel bad about it later. I hope these feelings eventually go away and i feel great about what I'm eating. But part of me feels that it almost keep me like, in check. I want poptarts now but I'm unsure about eating them so I'm not going to have them.

I wish it wasn't a constant battle with my eating disorder. For example, if i have this, then i can't have this and then i can have this. Or i can eat all this and then I'll be closer to my goal weight and then i can have permission to work out and then I'll be able to do whatever i want and they won't watch what i eat anymore. Perfect. I wish i could be like my parents. They eat whatever they want. But then again.. they never work out and they're not in shape. Not that I'm judging or anything. I want to be in shape. I don't want to be unhealthy anymore and I want to eat healthy things. With the occasional unhealthy thing. Is that bad? One thing I'm going to let go of, is the guilt of eating more than i planned to.

Last Christmas was probably the worst. I was at a healthy weight and i was working out normally but i was still secretly obsessed and the eating disorder was still there. I remember making a cheesecake but no one was eating it so i felt like i had to eat it. I ate three or four slices along with dinner and lunch and felt incredibly guilty about it. Christmas was at our house, so i figured I'll work out. So i workout out, at Christmas, when my whole family was over. It sounds so bad now that i write it. I know that I'll be incredibly glad when that obsession is gone but.. how long is that going to take?

I'm just glad i have a little bit more freedom now. Sure, the thoughts are still there but I'm doing better. Before, if i ate a small roll that was 100 calories over my daily limit, i would feel like I'd instantly gained 5 pounds and would stand for a long time in the mirror picking out flaws about myself. Compared to then, i guess I've come a long ways. Now, all i need to do is regain balance. Eat healthy, work out everyday, and enjoy the occasional treat. Hopefully I'll get there soon and overcome this.

Healthy Eating

What is healthy eating exactly? My eating is so up and down, I'm not even sure. Lately, I've been feeling that I've been eating really unhealthy. I mean yeah, i eat a lot of fruits and lean cuisines and stuff but i feel like i eat a lot of bad stuff too. But maybe that's just my eating disorder talking. The thing is, when i eat healthy no matter what the portion amount, i feel good about what i ate. If i eat say, a chicken strip basket with fries and a medium chocolate shake, then i don't feel good about what i ate and i feel like i ate way too much.

Back when i was only eating 500 calories a day, i had it in my mind that healthy food wasn't good. I would only eat like a donut and a small candy bar because it would satisfy my cravings and i was only eating so little so i might as well eat what i want right? Well, now i want to eat healthy. And eating healthy doesn't mean depriving yourself of sweets or pizza or something. It means eating it in moderation. So i don't get sick of it. And so i don't feel bad about it.

It's weird, when i list off my favorite foods now and compare it to back then, it's completely different. I used to love chocolate and eat it everyday but now i actually prefer fruit over chocolate! But my all time favorite food is Green tea. I loveee anything green tea. Green tea ice cream, green tea frappuccino's, green tea cake, they even make green tea Kit Kat's! Too bad they only sell them in japan.

When i think about recovery, it seems so hard. So much like a long road ahead that never ends. I did see my nutritionist today though. She said i was looking so much better, i had a smile on my face, and some color to my face too. And when i think about how miserable i used to be, recovery suddenly seems worth it. Weight gain doesn't feel as horrible anymore and life seems great. Getting up every day doesn't feel like a chore anymore, and I love that.