The only people you need in your life, are the ones who make you feel good about yourself

People make mistakes. We jump into things too quickly, and we go back to people who didn't make us feel good, just because we need people. I made this mistake.

People always tell me- You're so mature for your age! Yeah, I guess I am. But I really wish I wasn't.

As I mentioned before, I was going to have a sleepover today. I was so excited. I got some diet pop, some pop tarts, went to therapy, picked J up and headed over. It was pretty fun when we first got there. We all talked and laughed about stupid stuff for 2 hours. Then, I had to go to the bathroom because I had just drank a ton of diet pop. I got back from the bathroom, they're laughing and I felt so left out. It just went downhill from there. It's like they formed their own group that I wasn't allowed in on. I did everything I possibly could to keep from crying. I called my mom, told them I was "sick", and I went home.

I was SO sad afterward. It was my first time hanging out with people my age again, and it was awful. They didn't really put any effort into trying to include me in the fun. I felt so bad about myself, I felt boring, useless, and hopeless about life overall.

But later, I realized that not everyone is like that. There are some mature people my age out there. I can't just label my whole age group as immature. Maybe that school and the people that go there, but not everyone.

I have to keep thinking, I will meet some wonderful people. I have to stay positive. I have to see my future as bright. Not gloomy, dark & depressing.

But what I have learned, is no one likes feeling left out. So when I'm hanging out with people and someone is feeling left out, I will do everything I can to make them feel included and accepted.

I have a big heart. I just need people to fill it with.

How I stay happy

If I wasn't for my little dog Baily, I don't think I would stay sane. She's really the one that keeps me going on everyday. She's the one that keeps me happy. I know it sounds weird but hey, look at her! Isn't she cute? She always knows how to cheer me up when I'm sad and she always wakes me up in the morning. Dogs are almost like the best friend that doesn't judge you. They're always there for you and they always will be. They're not going anywhere. That's why I love animals so much. It's almost like they listen to your problems and don't judge or do anything.

I haven't really been able to be outside much lately. I've had so much homework! And the worst part is, they've put limitations on my exercise. And when I say they, I mean the doctor, therapist, and dietitian. It all started with the EKG scan. My doctor listened to my heart, took my blood pressure or something, took blood, but didn't weigh me. Everything was fine except the scan. But that's not the weird part yet. The weird part is, my child doctor who i haven't seen or talked to in a year, called my wellness/recovery clinic. She looked at the results of the EKG scan and said no exercise and she was "really concerned". Uhm, okay if you were really concerned then why didn't you call me and my parents? It made me really mad. Me and my mom decided not to see her anymore a long time ago so we've been seeing a new doctor for the past 6 months. Mainly because the other doctor is so crabby and negative and mean.

But anyway, when my dietitian told me this I was really sad. Taking walks by the lake with my dog is the only thing keeping me happy right now. Well that and baking. Not really modeling because the agency hasn't contacted us yet. So my mom called my doctor and she got it all straightened out. My doctor said that I wasn't that bad. My results on the scan were like 59 or something and she said the normal is 60. My childhood doctor said it was really low. No.. it was not in fact low. It was low, but it wasn't extremely low and she shouldn't be saying these things if she's not the one seeing me or taking the scans.

I guess when I think about it, I was 50% mad and the other half was the ED that was mad. But it was almost like people putting rules on my life. Which is what I'm trying to stay away from because with the ED, I had so many stupid rules. Now, I'm breaking all those rules.

I just have to be sort of careful with what I eat. Sometimes I think I'm getting Orthorexia nervosa, but I don't really think that's true. My eating habits have really improved. I still eat really unhealthy things like cake pops, cheese pizza, chocolate chip cookies, and coke zero. The last thing I need is to develop another disease. But I'm not going to. I am in control of my own life. Nothing is going to stop me from living my life now. Not the ED or anything.

A year's difference

I try to think of what life was like last year and it's so hard to imagine. I was a completely different person then. I cared too much about what other people thought of me and I had toxic friends. The ED wasn't very present then, but it was still in the back of my mind. Just very quiet.

Last year, I had friends who decorated my locker at school on my birthday. This year, no friends. But honestly, I'm happier now. Which is weird but I don't have friends. Yes I have to get friends, but it's so hard to find GOOD friends.

See, my friends last year were toxic. Sure, we had our good times, but the drama outnumbered the good times. They made me feel so bad about myself, and at the time, I didn't even realize it. Now, I do. Friends are caring, loving, and supportive. They accept you for who you are and love you for exactly you. My friends last year did not do that. They treated me badly without me realizing it. They made fun of my parents and disrespected me and my home. They left messes everywhere they went and treated people badly. But, they weren't all bad. Just misguided, like everyone else my age is.

I do realize that I have to get friends and they will make my life better but it's hard. I've been isolated for months, and the ED encouraged that. The ED told me that when my friends left me, people would love me if I lost weight, and that never happened.

But honestly, friends aside, today was a pretty great 16th birthday for me. I went to the cheesecake factory and ate a good amount of food and it felt pretty good too.

I realize that friends are probably a step in the recovery process. I just have to learn to get over my fear of getting toxic friends. There are good people out there. I just have to find them.

Healthy Eating

What is healthy eating exactly? My eating is so up and down, I'm not even sure. Lately, I've been feeling that I've been eating really unhealthy. I mean yeah, i eat a lot of fruits and lean cuisines and stuff but i feel like i eat a lot of bad stuff too. But maybe that's just my eating disorder talking. The thing is, when i eat healthy no matter what the portion amount, i feel good about what i ate. If i eat say, a chicken strip basket with fries and a medium chocolate shake, then i don't feel good about what i ate and i feel like i ate way too much.

Back when i was only eating 500 calories a day, i had it in my mind that healthy food wasn't good. I would only eat like a donut and a small candy bar because it would satisfy my cravings and i was only eating so little so i might as well eat what i want right? Well, now i want to eat healthy. And eating healthy doesn't mean depriving yourself of sweets or pizza or something. It means eating it in moderation. So i don't get sick of it. And so i don't feel bad about it.

It's weird, when i list off my favorite foods now and compare it to back then, it's completely different. I used to love chocolate and eat it everyday but now i actually prefer fruit over chocolate! But my all time favorite food is Green tea. I loveee anything green tea. Green tea ice cream, green tea frappuccino's, green tea cake, they even make green tea Kit Kat's! Too bad they only sell them in japan.

When i think about recovery, it seems so hard. So much like a long road ahead that never ends. I did see my nutritionist today though. She said i was looking so much better, i had a smile on my face, and some color to my face too. And when i think about how miserable i used to be, recovery suddenly seems worth it. Weight gain doesn't feel as horrible anymore and life seems great. Getting up every day doesn't feel like a chore anymore, and I love that.