Holidays and Eating Disorders

The holidays are always a really hard time for me. I'm a natural people pleaser, so I always care a lot what people think of me. This, is usually how it's gone the past year.

I'm dangerously underweight in the summer, no one says anything except a little cousin. Then comes winter and there's a 25 lb difference. Still, no one says anything. Do they notice? Well, probably. But even if they still don't say anything, seeing people I haven't seen in a long time makes me so nervous. I feel like I have to restrict days prior to almost like, cope with it.

I guess I almost got lucky this year, because it's going to be mostly kids at Christmas eve this year. Mostly because of family drama, which I guess isn't that lucky, but still.

I'm trying to shake the feeling that I don't have to restrict because no one will probably be commenting on my weight, but I'm still really worried. I know I can't get "fat" from the amount I'm eating (but it's still right for me. I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full) but the worry just keeps on coming. There are so many times when I say- I wish I never had an eating disorder but how will that help anything?

I really want to get off this stupid roller coaster. One day I'm so positive and happy, and the next day the eating disorder is really hard and I'm depressed once again.

Another thing I'm worried about, is eating at the clinic today. I wasn't worried at first, but now I kinda am. We're having spaghetti and I haven't had that in months (not counting the smart ones spaghetti). It's a huge fear food for me. And, I honestly don't crave it very much. I guess, I don't crave food right now. I know that's the ED doing that, but the only thing I usually want is breakfast. That's the easiest meal of the day.

Ugh, sorry this was such a downer post. I should look on the positive side of things now. I got presents wrapped, my aunts dog is leaving soon (I had to watch her for the day yesterday.. she's just.. I'll write about her later), Christmas is on Saturday, and I'm baking all day Thursday with C and hopefully I'll get to make truffles. And my mom has most of next week off, so hopefully we can volunteer somewhere.

It will get better. Maybe if I keep saying that, it will actually start to happen.

A New Start

Today, I went to the clinic for the first time. I was actually kind of scared at first, but the closer I got to going there, I didn't really feel scared at all. What's there to be scared about? I'm not going into inpatient and someone isn't going to shove food down my throat.

The assessment actually went really well! I had my blood work done in another building and then went to the eating disorder building. It's so nice in there! Everything is so clean. There's four levels of care, so I may not even see the inpatient people.

After we got there, me and my mom just did some paperwork, and then I answered a huge survey and had blood pressure, height, weight, and all that done. Then I talked to the doctor or assessment person, and told her what I wanted, what I need help with, and what I'm scared of.

At the end, my mom came in and we all talked and the doctor changed the diagnosis. She says I have EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified) because I now get my period every other month and I'm doing so much better than when I first went in to the other clinic. But, that diagnosis somehow makes me mad. But why does it matter? Why do I want anorexia? I don't. I used to see EDNOS as people who couldn't starve themselves good enough (this was very much Ed's idea as I write it. It sounds stupid and insane.)

So when I left the place, I almost didn't feel good enough for anorexia. But now that I think about it, who cares what I have! I still have an eating disorder and I need help for it. It doesn't matter which one it is, I just need help to recover from it.

But all in all, I like the new clinic. Sure, it's an hour away and I'm probably going to be there for 3 hours a week but I really like it. And the best part is, they don't just randomly throw a therapist, dietitian, and physician at me. They see who works best with me.

After the assessment was over, I went to eat lunch at the cafeteria and saw that my mom, was on her phone. Again. Every time we're at some kind of important eating disorder appointment or modeling thing, she's always on her phone. It really makes me mad because it seems like I'm not important. Like she cares about talking to other people and work more than me.

I also got really mad because I needed her at that moment. I was so worried about calories at the Cafeteria and I had no idea what to get because I didn't know the amount, so I usually have her there for support. I was so tempted to just not get anything because she was making me so mad. But in the end, I got a chocolate pudding parfait (which I ate half of) and a snack meal thingy. (hard boiled egg, grapes, fruit dip, and a lemon poppy seed muffin which I ate half of because it was really hard and gross).

But, my mom had to make me mad again, and said that the lunch I was eating was not good enough (she didn't say that exactly, but it sounded very similar) and that I should get pizza. We argued, I was tempted to work out and not eat because I lost my appetite but I ate it. And you know what? I was actually full! I was so proud of myself. It wasn't a uncomfortable fullness or a half fullness, I was full and I didn't drink any water with my meal either.

So despite what happened, I still felt pride from feeling full. And I think that's something I need to do every day.

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These are my new boots/slippers. They're so comfy! This isn't the best picture but oh well. I really like them.


Cake Batter Ice cream, yummy. I had this yesterday for lunch because I was feeling sick. I forgot how good it was, it tastes so good! Almost better than real cake batter.


Has anyone ever tried these before? They're pretty amazing. I haven't had them in a while (still haven't opened them, salt is not good on a sore throat) but I can't wait to have them again! This is probably the only microwavable thing I really like. It tastes almost like restaurant fries.


This was the cutest movie ever! I'm so glad I watched it. It's so funny too. And Jimmy Fallon is in it!


Have a great night everyone!