Christmas

Christmas, wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My normally crazy family, was actually somewhat normal this time(: My aunt is getting a divorce and she usually starts drama, but this time she was very happy! And she wasn't pretending either. And my grandma! She was soo happy:D Usually she complains a lot and talks to people about her health problems but she didn't say a word about them all night! I was so happy for her(: I missed that grandma, I feel like I haven't seen that side of her in a long time.

Eating at my uncles house, actually went okay. I did skip breakfast that day which helped relieve my anxiety a bit, and I ate pretty balanced there too. I did drink an awful lot of diet coke and powerrade zero, but I didn't feel guilty about food the whole night.

The only problem that night was, I didn't want to open my presents along with everyone else. We went in order from youngest to oldest, each person being on display and 5 different people taking pictures of that person. Everyone kept bugging me to open them, but I just ended up opening them up when everyone was playing games. It's not that I was being snotty or anything, I just didn't want to be on display for everyone. I'm not sure why I'm okay with that with my dads side of the family.. maybe because I feel more comfortable with them. On my moms side I almost don't feel as accepted. Like I have to watch what I do or say.. I feel kinda judged with them. Oh well. It was all okay in the end(: I spend most of my time there playing games & playing with the dog.

Christmas day, actually went okay too(: I spent most of the day opening presents, but my favorite part was when my dog opened her presents! She's so funny(: After that, I curled my hair & got ready to go out, and me and my mom went searching for restaurants (my dad was too lazy to get off the couch..). We ended up going to Denny's and I was so happy because they actually have a veggie burger on the menu now!:D Yayy! It was okay, but I was still happy that they had something different. After that we saw Little Fockers(: It was soo funny!

The only bad part about Christmas this year was that I wasn't very excited. I was mostly worried about food and weight and such. But I'm getting two more people added to my treatment team on Wednesday & Thursday so I will get more help(: My family will get help with finding a balance of help and control. I can't have them not caring what I eat (like today!) but I also can't have them control every thing that enters my mouth & not giving me any encouragement about eating.

It will all get better eventually. God is on my side, he will help me out of this<3(:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is my aunts dog that I was taking care of last Monday(: She's soo cute! She never really leaves your side which can get kind of annoying, but she's still fun.

This is me in my Express Christmas outfit(: I was kinda afraid to post pictures of myself at first because I didn't want to trigger anyone or anything like that but I want to finallyy post pictures. I'm not really afraid anymore.


My cute Christmas tree:D



My backyard! Look at all the snow!



I finally curled my hair with my new no clip curling iron(:



I think this is my new favorite song, I listen to it whenever I'm sad and it always cheers me up.



Have a great night everyone! I hope you all had a great Christmas!(:

Holidays and Eating Disorders

The holidays are always a really hard time for me. I'm a natural people pleaser, so I always care a lot what people think of me. This, is usually how it's gone the past year.

I'm dangerously underweight in the summer, no one says anything except a little cousin. Then comes winter and there's a 25 lb difference. Still, no one says anything. Do they notice? Well, probably. But even if they still don't say anything, seeing people I haven't seen in a long time makes me so nervous. I feel like I have to restrict days prior to almost like, cope with it.

I guess I almost got lucky this year, because it's going to be mostly kids at Christmas eve this year. Mostly because of family drama, which I guess isn't that lucky, but still.

I'm trying to shake the feeling that I don't have to restrict because no one will probably be commenting on my weight, but I'm still really worried. I know I can't get "fat" from the amount I'm eating (but it's still right for me. I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full) but the worry just keeps on coming. There are so many times when I say- I wish I never had an eating disorder but how will that help anything?

I really want to get off this stupid roller coaster. One day I'm so positive and happy, and the next day the eating disorder is really hard and I'm depressed once again.

Another thing I'm worried about, is eating at the clinic today. I wasn't worried at first, but now I kinda am. We're having spaghetti and I haven't had that in months (not counting the smart ones spaghetti). It's a huge fear food for me. And, I honestly don't crave it very much. I guess, I don't crave food right now. I know that's the ED doing that, but the only thing I usually want is breakfast. That's the easiest meal of the day.

Ugh, sorry this was such a downer post. I should look on the positive side of things now. I got presents wrapped, my aunts dog is leaving soon (I had to watch her for the day yesterday.. she's just.. I'll write about her later), Christmas is on Saturday, and I'm baking all day Thursday with C and hopefully I'll get to make truffles. And my mom has most of next week off, so hopefully we can volunteer somewhere.

It will get better. Maybe if I keep saying that, it will actually start to happen.

It's beginning to feel a lott like Christmass(:

It's FINALLY starting to feel like Christmas. I'm so glad. And I'm so happy(: for now anyway, I really hope that it lasts. This may be a quick post but who knows, I talk a lot(;

I think I'm starting to feel happier because I'm getting out a lot more. If I just stay locked up in the house for days, of course I'm going to get depressed. I'm not talking to anyone or really doing anything.

I have been going for a few walks lately. They're so much fun(: I usually don't go for very long, and I have to bundle up a lot, but they're still fun. I usually go with my dad and my dog and have a latte afterwards. The chai tea latte from Dunn bros is my new favorite.

I also went Christmas shopping alll day today. I got my mom these yummy truffles from See's candy, and some fuzzy socks. They're soo soft!

I got my dog a tonn. I love my dog(: She makes me happy so I got her a lot. I got her a cute pink coat, 2 toys, some new chewies, and some gourmet treats that she loves. I'll post pictures of her in the coat later(:

I think it's starting to feel like Christmas again because my mom put up a cute Christmas tree in the living room and put presents under it. I already opened one, it was an outfit from express:D I love express, I already know the shoes I'm going to wear with it also. I'll post pictures of the Christmas tree & my Christmas express outfit sometime later.

So this weekend has been really fun. I saw the movie how do you know yesterday at like 9:30 pm and it kinda sucked, but I liked going out late. I also ate at this cute buffet style restaurant called Q.cumbers and it was so good! My fear of eating out no longer exists. I don't want to limit myself, so I've ate out a lot lately. And surprisingly, every time I go out my portions aren't huge, they're pretty normal sized. I'm glad that I'm able to eat out without worrying again(: I missed eating out and not restricting the day after.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I almost forget these this week! Good thing I remembered(:

I lovee frozen yogurt(: I really like the soft serve kind, but this is the next best thing.

This tastes amazing with white chocolate chips or yogurt chips

My mom made this salad for me a few days ago(: It's soo good! It's basically just cheddar cheese, apples, and lettuce. I haven't found a dressing I like yet. I kinda like french, so maybe I'll try that next time.



This was the cutest movie ever. I know that I say that a lot, but it really is. The guy is like, totally perfect(: People called him a nerd throughout the movie, but he's soo not. Another great John Hughes movie.

This is probably my favorite naked juice. It's fruit andd vegetables. I love it.

And lastly, my favorite quote of the week(:



Have a great night everyone!