I'm dangerously underweight in the summer, no one says anything except a little cousin. Then comes winter and there's a 25 lb difference. Still, no one says anything. Do they notice? Well, probably. But even if they still don't say anything, seeing people I haven't seen in a long time makes me so nervous. I feel like I have to restrict days prior to almost like, cope with it.
I guess I almost got lucky this year, because it's going to be mostly kids at Christmas eve this year. Mostly because of family drama, which I guess isn't that lucky, but still.
I'm trying to shake the feeling that I don't have to restrict because no one will probably be commenting on my weight, but I'm still really worried. I know I can't get "fat" from the amount I'm eating (but it's still right for me. I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full) but the worry just keeps on coming. There are so many times when I say- I wish I never had an eating disorder but how will that help anything?
I really want to get off this stupid roller coaster. One day I'm so positive and happy, and the next day the eating disorder is really hard and I'm depressed once again.
Another thing I'm worried about, is eating at the clinic today. I wasn't worried at first, but now I kinda am. We're having spaghetti and I haven't had that in months (not counting the smart ones spaghetti). It's a huge fear food for me. And, I honestly don't crave it very much. I guess, I don't crave food right now. I know that's the ED doing that, but the only thing I usually want is breakfast. That's the easiest meal of the day.
Ugh, sorry this was such a downer post. I should look on the positive side of things now. I got presents wrapped, my aunts dog is leaving soon (I had to watch her for the day yesterday.. she's just.. I'll write about her later), Christmas is on Saturday, and I'm baking all day Thursday with C and hopefully I'll get to make truffles. And my mom has most of next week off, so hopefully we can volunteer somewhere.
It will get better. Maybe if I keep saying that, it will actually start to happen.
