Calorie Counting, something that needs to be gone

I've struggled with calorie counting for months now. Because with an eating disorder, gradually comes calorie counting. At my worst moments, I count every single thing that enters my mouth. One pita chip. A bite of a cupcake. Gum. Everything is added up and memorized for the end of the day total.

Now is realize, calorie counting is a load of crap. Why do we count our food? Why? Some of us are food conscious, wanting to lose or gain weight. Sometimes with me it's like an OCD thing. I used to double and triple check the "total" at the end of each day.

But in the end, was I happy with calorie counting? Of course not!! 100 calories over my desired amount, and I'm dubbed a failure.

This is why, I'm wanting to try intuitive eating. I know it's not really something other people think I should try just yet, but it feels right. Last night, I felt like eating what my mom was making for dinner (cheese filled pasta shells with a pasta sauce and a salad) then eat a coffee cup full of frozen yogurt with ff reddi whip and white chocolate chips on top. At first, Ed kept telling me- do you KNOW how many calories are in that pasta? Look on the back? I looked. So? It's not that much. Ed-well, still. Pasta is off limits! Me- Haha maybe to you, but not to me! And I ate it. It was really good! I may not like spaghetti anymore, but I still like other types of pasta. My fear of pasta is gone:D Yay olive garden! There's this breaded lasagna I've been wanting to get for months, it's my favorite thing on the menu & it's an appetizer, so now I can finally get it!

So, calorie counting only leads to bad things. It leads to me starving myself.. and my grandpa and dog telling me to eat!

See, my grandpa passed away about 4 years ago. I was really sad for a long time, but eventually I just accepted it. Then, I forgot about him. But starting about a month ago, I've been starting to smell random food. Subway, Pizza hut, stuff like that just in the air, around me. When that usually happens, I'm usually very hungry and have skipped a meal and am home alone. No one in the neighborhood is cooking something like that, so I figured it must be my grandpa! He loved food, and I think he wants me to eat. To cure my relationship with food. My dog plays a part in that too.

Yesterday, I didn't know what to have for breakfast so I got a bowl of cinnamon sugar pita chips. I knew they were high calorie, and I was home alone and worried, so I called my dog over. I was on the couch, and put some chips out for her to eat, to share them with me. I'll never forget the look she gave me. It was kinda like- this is your medicine. Eat it. Please, I can't eat that. It was so weird! It took me 5 minutes of me convincing her to eat it that she finally did.

I also did end up talking with my mom, and she said that she felt helpless in trying to help me. I never knew that! So I told her that we had to work together, and that I need her help, but I can't have her controlling everything I eat.

Everything is finally starting to look better(: I just have to keep working at this, and not give up. I think I would rather weigh a litte more and be free, then be sickly skinny and miserable anyway.

Still Sick

warning: may be triggering

I'm stuck. Today, my period came back and I know I should see that as a good sign, but I don't. The ED keeps taunting me saying it came back already?! you're so fat. Please lose weight you're so worthless. I'm so sick of looking at myself, all I see is fat. All I see is a problem that needs to be fixed.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I skipped breakfast, lunch, and only ate dinner on Friday. I even tried to work out, but I ended up barely doing anything because I was so weak from lack of food. And today, I also ate less. Not a lot less, but I also biked and walked today and it's less than I usually eat.

I really wish I wasn't stuck on the roller coaster of emotions. Sad, fat, guilty, depressed, happy, hyper, mad. All happening within one day. I just want to jump off because I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle the guilt of eating more and gaining weight. It's too much for me to handle. I freak out over a 1/2 lb gain!

I realize now, that I am not perfect. There is no way for me to be happy 24/7. But something needs to change. I had an appointment with my doctor today, and she thinks I need a new clinic. Sure, this one has gotten me far, but I need to move on. Or else I'm going to keep on going backwards in recovery.

I have to keep reminding myself why I want recovery. I want it because:

-I want to be able to eat whatever I want, and work out every other day

-I want to bake without worrying if I'm going to eat too much

-I want to eat at the cheesecake factory and be able to eat the next day

-I want to have a normal mind. Meaning, no guilt over eating or thinking about food too much

-I don't want to be overly cold anymore

-I want to have kids one day (before I'm 28)

I need recovery. I want it, but I'm afraid. Afraid of being fat. Afraid of feeling worthless all the time. But the truth is, I'm sick of this. I want to eat at least 1,500 calories and work out and not feel guilty. I want to have the energy to run 5 miles.

I guess I'll just see what happens. I know what is best for myself, but it's hard to actually do that. The ED, is NOT going to win. I will win this fight, even if it takes forever.

Positivity

I used to not like positivity at all. Most shows I used to watch would make fun of it but now I'm seeing it in a completely new light. I love being positive. When I'm not, I feel stupid and hopeless. And I think my mom has really taught me to be positive is every situation.

As hard as it is to remain positive about friends, ED frustration, and everything else, I try my best now. Before, all I did was complain because I didn't know what else to do. Not anymore. There's no use crying over spilled milk right?

Eating was bad for me today. I baked today so I had a some of what I baked in the morning, felt bad, skipped lunch, my snack and finally had dinner at 7. But hey, at least I did try. I was going to skip dinner altogether because I saw my dietitian today and she said I've gained 1/2 pound. But now I really realize that 1/2 pound is nothing. I shouldn't be scared. I shouldn't want to work out or eat less the next day. I need to gain weight because I'm actually starting to even scare myself.

So tomorrow is another day, I'm going to eat right and try not to hop on the treadmill and run forever. That won't make me feel much better.

I did finally make my happiness list! It's a great thing to have because it cheers me up right away. And at the top of the list? Jimmy Fallon! That guy is hilarious. And I always watch this video when I'm feeling sad.

More Cowbell! - watch more funny videos

I hope everyone had a good day!