Everything always works out in the end

Rawrrr. I was so freaking angry today. I think today was one of the worst days ever.

See, I told you all that the maudsley approach was the treatment that I was doing (not by choice) well today, my mom decided to stay home with me since I usually get pretty lonely and sad and depressed.

Yesterday, we got in another fight, and I was really sad so she decided to stay home with me half the day today. I felt like such a failure from the night before because I'd skipped lunch, ate dinner, then eaten a few sweets after dinner. I was at my usual amount of cals at the end of the day, so I'm not sure why I felt like such a failure. Probably because I'd not listened to the ED when I was apparently supposed to. or maybe because I felt out of control? I was supposed to restrict because of the holidays, but I'm slowly realizing that I don't really want to.

Anyway, when I woke up today I felt so bad, so.. fat. So when my mom asked me what I want for breakfast, I said nothing. So she made me something she thought I liked, but I really hated. I did not want to eat what she made me at all. So I picked it apart, and threw the main parts of the meal away and ate very little. She got kinda mad, and said that we would not leave until I ate the breakfast.

I isolated myself and tried to calm down while she was making lunch. I got to the table at lunch time, and she had made a huge lunch. I had no idea why she did that because I had struggled so much at breakfast, and just seeing it made me sick. So I ate almost everything she made, except the sandwich. I'll admit, the sandwich was scary. It had two of my fear foods on it, avocado and oatmeal bread. I ate 1/4 of it, and she said I had to finish the whole sandwich. We got in another fight.

My dad got home and my mom told him what happened, and she left for work. Then, me and my dad got in another fight about eating. I was so worn out about fighting and crying, I took a 3 hour nap.

Then dinner came around, and me and my dad got into another fight. I locked myself in my room and actually started packing my bags. I was so tired of crying and I just wanted to go to my grandmas house because she doesn't even really know I have an ED. And I never fight with her.

So, my dad broke in my room and he actually started crying too. After actually seeing my dad cry, we got things straightened out about 2 hours later when my mom got home. Well.. after more fighting and tears on my end.

We decided to make a meal plan, to write down what I eat the day before. I can mostly decide what to eat for breakfast & lunch (but they supervise) and they decide what to eat for dinner. I like that plan, that way they aren't making things I don't really like. And when we write it down, we can make sure I have all the food groups that I need.

So in the end, everything does truly work out. I got the support that I needed, I got everything fixed with my nutritionist, & I'm getting two more people added to my treatment team. A physical therapist to figure out exercise and a psychiatrist to help me deal with the weight gain and not feeling fat when I get to a normal weight and stuff like that. And, I'm baking a tonn tomorrow, so that was for sure be fun(: Everything will be okay. I have to work hard to beat this, but everything will work out in the end.

You are NOT your eating disorder

Today, I went to the clinic and met with my doctor, therapist, and dietitian for the first time. At first, it was the scariest thing ever. The dietitian explained to me that they will be using The Maudsley Approach. Basically, my parents (mainly my mom because my dad is just.. blah) would be in charge of all of my meals. They would eat with me, and they would make my food for me, until I got to stage two of the program, then the control would be handed back to me. NOT my eating disorder. If I would to lose any weight when they handed the control to me, the control would once again go back to my parents.

First, I was terrified. I wanted to throw up multiple times and become bulimic. That way, they would never know. I would still remain skinny. Was this my idea? No, now I realize this was definitely not my idea. I hate throwing up. It scares me to death. But handing the control over to my mom would be even scarier, honestly I trust my eating disorder more. Because I'm afraid of being "fat" like I was on the family cruise all those months ago. I'm afraid of being completely disgusted with myself. I would probably be like the girl I saw today.

I saw a girl at the clinic that made me very sad today. She was very thin, you could tell she had an eating disorder. My family walked into the main room on the first floor, and we saw her. She was exercising. No one except us payed any attention to her. She would jog a tiny bit, all hunched over. Her eyes looked lost and confused. She would jog all hunched over across the lobby, going around things so she could burn more calories. She made me very very sad. She made me want to cry. She made me want to go up to her and say- Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Probably not, I'm a random stranger, but I didn't do that.

When we were about to go up the elevator to our appointment, she was gone. About three hours later, we went down and she was back. I was so worried about her, because I knew how it felt. I didn't know what to do, no one seemed to notice except me and my mom. So we told the receptionist lady at the assessment area and she knew who she was. As we were leaving, we saw the lady look for the girl and I don't know what happened after that. I still worry about her now, because I know how frustrating it is. To be so consumed, to feel like a complete failure and that you have to burn calories. Tapping the foot, light jogging, anything to burn calories. I hope she gets the help she needs, I will be praying for her.

Ok anyway, the appointment went overall okay. I was happy with my "team" because everyone was so nice, yet so forceful and it seemed like they knew the eating disorder very well. It may be hard to hand the control over to my mom, but I'm willing to do it if it will cure me so I can run again. So I can live.To be free.

What we're going to do is, my mom will go grocery shopping for me. She will eat with me at every meal. Except lunch, that's where we're stumped. I have a webcam, and she's thinking about getting one so we can skype. And eat lunch together. I really like that idea, eating lunch over skype(: I like the idea of recovering, being fit and healthy instead of miserable, hungry, and super skinny. I want people to look at me and say- Wow, she's beautiful. Or, she's really fit and healthy or something. Vs: -She's skinny and beautiful. I wonder if she's anorexic. I bet she is.

That reminds me, yesterday I got asked another question on my formspring about myself. It went something like this:

Anonymous person: are you anorexic or naturally skinny

me: Why does it matter?

Anonymous person: oh and you don't have to answer you're just really pretty and skinny

me: Well thanks(: But someone doesn't have to be skinny to be pretty.

After that I think they said something like: I know, I just mean you have the whole package.

That made me also very sad/: Skinny is not beautiful. I have a disease. A disease that makes me depressed, unable to go out to eat, sometimes even not hang out with friends, a disease that makes me unable to go to sleep at a normal time at night. A disease that has controlled me for almost 2 years. A disease that I want to overcome.

I can't tell everyone now that I have an eating disorder. No. I will write a book later in life, when I'm recovered. I'll tell all the aspects of recovery and how you can get help. I'll raise awareness about the disease and hopefully bring hope to people's lives. Hopefully one day I can reduce the number of people in the world that have eating disorders. Because one day, I will be one more person that has completely recovered. One day, I will be one more person that is free.

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Omg, this post is so long. I'll get to the pictures now(: Thanks so much if you read every word, you're amazing!

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I made this on Sunday. Let me just say, this is one of the best things I've ever made. No guilt cheesecake! I love it(:

Chik'n nuggets(: These are the best thing to real chicken nuggets. I love this brand. They have amazing "chik'n" stuff.



I LOVED this idea(: One serving broccoli and cheese! They also have corn. I really liked this because I didn't have to measure it out.



This is a really good book. If you haven't read any of her other books, you should! They're all pretty good. I had to fight to put it down. I would have been reading for hours and been done with it if I hadn't of put it down(:




^^^^^YES(:

Then just a feel good video(: I love this song.

Have a great night everyone! <3