Everything always works out in the end

Rawrrr. I was so freaking angry today. I think today was one of the worst days ever.

See, I told you all that the maudsley approach was the treatment that I was doing (not by choice) well today, my mom decided to stay home with me since I usually get pretty lonely and sad and depressed.

Yesterday, we got in another fight, and I was really sad so she decided to stay home with me half the day today. I felt like such a failure from the night before because I'd skipped lunch, ate dinner, then eaten a few sweets after dinner. I was at my usual amount of cals at the end of the day, so I'm not sure why I felt like such a failure. Probably because I'd not listened to the ED when I was apparently supposed to. or maybe because I felt out of control? I was supposed to restrict because of the holidays, but I'm slowly realizing that I don't really want to.

Anyway, when I woke up today I felt so bad, so.. fat. So when my mom asked me what I want for breakfast, I said nothing. So she made me something she thought I liked, but I really hated. I did not want to eat what she made me at all. So I picked it apart, and threw the main parts of the meal away and ate very little. She got kinda mad, and said that we would not leave until I ate the breakfast.

I isolated myself and tried to calm down while she was making lunch. I got to the table at lunch time, and she had made a huge lunch. I had no idea why she did that because I had struggled so much at breakfast, and just seeing it made me sick. So I ate almost everything she made, except the sandwich. I'll admit, the sandwich was scary. It had two of my fear foods on it, avocado and oatmeal bread. I ate 1/4 of it, and she said I had to finish the whole sandwich. We got in another fight.

My dad got home and my mom told him what happened, and she left for work. Then, me and my dad got in another fight about eating. I was so worn out about fighting and crying, I took a 3 hour nap.

Then dinner came around, and me and my dad got into another fight. I locked myself in my room and actually started packing my bags. I was so tired of crying and I just wanted to go to my grandmas house because she doesn't even really know I have an ED. And I never fight with her.

So, my dad broke in my room and he actually started crying too. After actually seeing my dad cry, we got things straightened out about 2 hours later when my mom got home. Well.. after more fighting and tears on my end.

We decided to make a meal plan, to write down what I eat the day before. I can mostly decide what to eat for breakfast & lunch (but they supervise) and they decide what to eat for dinner. I like that plan, that way they aren't making things I don't really like. And when we write it down, we can make sure I have all the food groups that I need.

So in the end, everything does truly work out. I got the support that I needed, I got everything fixed with my nutritionist, & I'm getting two more people added to my treatment team. A physical therapist to figure out exercise and a psychiatrist to help me deal with the weight gain and not feeling fat when I get to a normal weight and stuff like that. And, I'm baking a tonn tomorrow, so that was for sure be fun(: Everything will be okay. I have to work hard to beat this, but everything will work out in the end.

Anger.

FML, FML, FML, FML, FML.

I feel like screaming right now. And throwing things. Violent much? .. I guess. I'm so mad right now. And sad. I have mixed emotions I guess.

I was excited to go to the clinic tonight because 1. I get out of the house & 2. I get help from my eating disorder.

Well.. that didn't seem to improve my mood. I was in a good mood until I got there. See my therapist, is super nice and understanding. But she doesn't help me deal with the feelings of eating more. I guess I can deal with them myself, but I'm still mad. But not really about that. She was happy that I started eating more and we're going to have a "family dinner" at the clinic next week & she's going to observe it.

We're going to have spaghetti.. which I pretty much hate. Or, well I guess the ED made me hate it. I'm more open to eating it now, but not with garlic bread. The ED sees that as a pound of fat that's just going to cling to me forever. Not really, but I still feel.. I don't know.

Anyway, after that I met with my doctor there. She said that I'd lost weight probably because my metabolism had gone up from eating more, and that I shouldn't work out. Even after I told her my workout plan, and even after I diminished it to walking with my dog for 20 minutes, she said no working out.

After that, I met with my dietitian. That's what got me angry. And sad. I felt like, attacked the whole time. She pretty much threw my vegetarianism out the window and said I should start eating meat again for protein. Then, she told me no more diet snacks (even though I don't purposely buy sugar free pudding.. that double chocolate kind is the kind I like, and it just happens to be sugar free), then she told me to have a snack after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner. Even if I was still really full. So I told her maybe I could try some soy pudding and she said that would probably be good but then I should stop clinging to organic foods(she didn't exactly say that, but it was like that).

So, the night did not go well. The dietitian even told my mom that she should start eating meat again to like, help me start eating it! No. Thanks. I was so mad and frustrated. I was so sad too because she was not nice to me the whole session. She rarely smiled at all, I felt like she was lecturing me. I mean, she's a nice person but I don't know what happened. I feel like I almost did something wrong like I usually do.

I always feel like I'm the one that did something wrong. Me, J, and C hung out again on Thursday, but they haven't talked to me much since. I feel so stupid. Why don't they like me? We had so much fun & we laughed the whole time we hung out. When are people ever going to care?

I guess, I just have to do things my way. I'm not going to live for someone else, I'm living for ME. I'm gonna eat the way I want to eat. Not the way my mom wants me too, not the way my "team" wants me to, and especially not the way my eating disorder wants me too. From now on, I come first. Not my eating disorder. Not other people. I am so done people pleasing and eating disorder pleasing. It's time I start getting MY life back.

To start doing that, I'm going to start volunteering. At animal shelters and stuff like that. I'm going to try to find people that love and care about me. And I'm going to start going for peaceful walks with my dog again. Because I want to. If my ED wants to go for a walk, then I will eat something and not exercise at all that day. Because I'm living for myself now.

Anger and Frustration in recovery

We all get frustrated sometimes, right? Yesterday was that day for me. Some days we just have those days where nothing goes right. I'm not sure why but Wednesday is never a good day for me. Something always seems to go wrong. Everything was going sort of okay until we got to the audition around 7. I thought they just wanted to meet with me and a few other people.. nope. When me and my mom got there, it was like a cattle call. There was a roomful of people there. This is how some open calls go, but not really. Some open calls have only women sometimes, usually it's never both. There were kids, guys, women, parents. But that's not what made me feel weird. They offer classes there and something didn't exactly seem right about paying 10,000 dollars for a 3 year contract and classes. It's sad there are some "agencies" out there like that. It made me kinda sad that a lot of people in this world are getting scammed. We left earlier than everyone else did. I'm glad I did. I could tell they were interested in me, but I've already taken classes. Even though I've never gotten any jobs, I know what I'm doing and my family doesn't have the kind of money to pay 10,000 dollars. Hopefully I can find some agency another time.

After we left, my mom was hungry and wanted to know what I ate that day. I told her and she wanted me to eat more. She kept bugging me about it for about a half hour until she gave up and ordered vegetarian Chinese food. When we got back to the house, I had about a 1/2 cup of fried vegetable rice and 2 fortune cookies. That might not seem like much, but it felt like a lot to me.

When someone has anorexia, they always have an all or nothing attitude. Like say I wanted to work out for an hour. The ED might say something like well if it's not vigorous and it's not for two hours, you might as well not work out at all. Last night, it said well if you already gave in and ate that then you might as well get a medium blizzard or eat a pint of ice cream. So I ate 2/3 of the pint of ice cream and.. felt really guilty. Since my mom is the one who is usually with me when I eat, I asked her to just ask me how I'm feeling sometimes. If she would of done this before the ice cream or after I ate the rice, I would of probably felt better but she didn't know yet. After I asked her this, she immediately pointed out all the things I did wrong when asking for the ice cream and I felt really bad. I got really really mad and frustrated and just wanted to stop eating for 2 days. Or at least restrict. We got really mad at each other for 2 hours and I just sad on the floor crying, disgusted with myself.

We did talk later and she promised to ask me how I'm feeling. When I got mad at her, I felt really alone. Even if I have a helpful doctor, dietitian, and somewhat helpful therapist, I still felt all alone. I felt so completely alone like I did when I was eating barely anything 3 months ago. And I hated the feeling. It made me feel like nothing has changed but it has. I've made good strides.

Next time I'll probably try to watch a funny movie or read a magazine or distract myself instead of thinking up harmful destructive things for myself.

But one thing people have to realize is that forcing me to eat more is not going to help me. Usually I wind up feeling guilty and eat way less the next few days after that and I'm even worse off than before. I have to want to change myself. It seems so hard now but I think If I get busier, I'll want to change. Last year I hung out with friends a lot and was in tennis so I was eating and busy a lot. This year I'm just home alone doing school all day and thinking about the eating disorder. If I have ways to really distract myself from the eating disorder, then I'll be sure to recover. I don't meant that I'll ignore it, but if I'm busy the eating disorder won't be my main concern. I'll have tons of other things on my mind.

I'm sorry if yesterday's post was triggering or negative. And I'm sorry if this one is too. I'm just trying to figure things out. Figure things out, vent, and recover from this illness.