Everything always works out in the end

Rawrrr. I was so freaking angry today. I think today was one of the worst days ever.

See, I told you all that the maudsley approach was the treatment that I was doing (not by choice) well today, my mom decided to stay home with me since I usually get pretty lonely and sad and depressed.

Yesterday, we got in another fight, and I was really sad so she decided to stay home with me half the day today. I felt like such a failure from the night before because I'd skipped lunch, ate dinner, then eaten a few sweets after dinner. I was at my usual amount of cals at the end of the day, so I'm not sure why I felt like such a failure. Probably because I'd not listened to the ED when I was apparently supposed to. or maybe because I felt out of control? I was supposed to restrict because of the holidays, but I'm slowly realizing that I don't really want to.

Anyway, when I woke up today I felt so bad, so.. fat. So when my mom asked me what I want for breakfast, I said nothing. So she made me something she thought I liked, but I really hated. I did not want to eat what she made me at all. So I picked it apart, and threw the main parts of the meal away and ate very little. She got kinda mad, and said that we would not leave until I ate the breakfast.

I isolated myself and tried to calm down while she was making lunch. I got to the table at lunch time, and she had made a huge lunch. I had no idea why she did that because I had struggled so much at breakfast, and just seeing it made me sick. So I ate almost everything she made, except the sandwich. I'll admit, the sandwich was scary. It had two of my fear foods on it, avocado and oatmeal bread. I ate 1/4 of it, and she said I had to finish the whole sandwich. We got in another fight.

My dad got home and my mom told him what happened, and she left for work. Then, me and my dad got in another fight about eating. I was so worn out about fighting and crying, I took a 3 hour nap.

Then dinner came around, and me and my dad got into another fight. I locked myself in my room and actually started packing my bags. I was so tired of crying and I just wanted to go to my grandmas house because she doesn't even really know I have an ED. And I never fight with her.

So, my dad broke in my room and he actually started crying too. After actually seeing my dad cry, we got things straightened out about 2 hours later when my mom got home. Well.. after more fighting and tears on my end.

We decided to make a meal plan, to write down what I eat the day before. I can mostly decide what to eat for breakfast & lunch (but they supervise) and they decide what to eat for dinner. I like that plan, that way they aren't making things I don't really like. And when we write it down, we can make sure I have all the food groups that I need.

So in the end, everything does truly work out. I got the support that I needed, I got everything fixed with my nutritionist, & I'm getting two more people added to my treatment team. A physical therapist to figure out exercise and a psychiatrist to help me deal with the weight gain and not feeling fat when I get to a normal weight and stuff like that. And, I'm baking a tonn tomorrow, so that was for sure be fun(: Everything will be okay. I have to work hard to beat this, but everything will work out in the end.

Jealousy

I think Jealousy is the worst emotion someone can experience. It is for me anyway. And I guess I have to admit, I was always jealous of J. She was so well liked. Now, she just got a boyfriend. And how am I coping with it? By not eating/: I realize that this is so selfish. I should be happy for her that she's happy instead of not eating and feeling jealous.

I also have to realize that, things will get better. There will be a time in my life, where I don't feel like curling up in a ball and crying all the time. God is helping me not feel jealousy. But, I am sort of grateful that I am feeling some sort of emotion, instead of feeling numb all the time. I've realized that I shouldn't feel this way, and I'm trying to move on from it.

It's just hard to feel good about yourself, when it seems like a person has the perfect life. A boyfriend, a good family, babysitting, and a ton of friends, when you yourself don't have any of those things.

But, on a good note, I have finally decided to go to a different eating disorder clinic. I can't just have a good dietitian and a bad therapist. It has to be equal. I really need help and I need someone that will be there for me. Not only do I not have a good connection with this therapist, but her schedule does not work with mine. I can't just not see my therapist for a week. That does damage for me.

So the place I've decided to go to is great(: There's so many therapist's, dietitian's, and phychiatrists. They have four levels of outpatient care and it sounds like they work with you a lot(: So I would see a therapist and dietitian and probably someone else once a week. They're there a lot so we won't have to worry about schedules.

I just have to let God help me through this. If I let him guide me, I will not feel jealous anymore. I will be happy and content with my life. And when I really think about it, I shouldn't be jealous! I don't want a boyfriend now. Boys are not exactly.. mature enough for me yet. And with all the issues I'm dealing with, I wouldn't want them to know about any of that.

So, life gets better. I just have to keep saying that over and over- it gets better. Because it applies to people with eating disorders too. I just have to have faith that it will.

Sadness

I know I said I was changing, and I'm trying but it's hard. Today was especially harder.

I'm home alone all day, so I usually text my mom. Sometimes she doesn't respond and I get even lonelier than before. I have my dog, and the computer, and sometimes I have classes but I don't think it's enough sometimes. Me and my mom got in a fight because I felt lonely.. kind of. I was really really cold today and I looked in the mirror and was afraid. I'm just.. too skinny. So I asked my mom if she could pick up Culver's. Fast food right now is really the only way for me to gain weight. Sorta. It has a lot of calories, so I get less for more. I don't usually over think the calories of it. At home, there's only healthy food. Which I like, but on days where I feel like that, it's good to eat fast food.

She said no and we got in a fight about other stupid stuff and I got really sad. When I'm feeling sad or hopeless and there's no one around me, I think of destructive things to do. Cutting, Running, drinking wayy too much water, bottle of pills.. etc. I know it's so bad, but these moments happen. It's why I should make a list. A list of things to make me feel better when I'm feeling down. I've been forgetting about it, but I'm finally going to make it. I need it. I need a list of little things to cheer me up.

What my mom has to understand though, is that I need someone. I'm home alone all day and if talking to her only for a little bit each day while she's gone making me feel better, then she should do that.

The reason I couldn't get Culver's myself is because... well.. I don't exactly have my permit yet. I know it's so bad but I took the drivers ed class two months ago. And I've been meaning to take the test and then go in for behind the wheel lessons, but I'm scared. Last time I drove, my dad put too much pressure on me to stay behind the line or something and I accidentally drove the other way into a ditch. I probably shouldn't be practicing without a permit but it was up north and no one was around. It wasn't on a highway or popular road and if cars came by, we would drive to a dirt road.

Driving just scares me. I always see car accidents and mean crazy drivers. But, I just need to get over my fear. I need to move on. I need to study for the permit test, actually finally take the test, and get behind the wheel lessons. And by doing this and finally getting my license sometime later, I don't need to wait for my mom to drive me everywhere. I can go places by myself. I can go take a walk in a popular place or go to the mall or go look at new schools. Doing something instead of just sitting at home.

Like I said, I have put thought into a public/private school. But I'm not sure. I think I'm scared because my old school was so bad. One time there was even rumors of a shooting. It never happened but it really could have. At my old school, the people were just awful. They were so mean and snotty. There was chew in the sink, wet paper towels on the wall in the girls bathroom, people skipped class for 15 Min's and then came back high. It was sad. I don't want to be at a school like that. I want to be at a school where I don't look around and feel alone.

I'll keep looking. In the meantime, I have to start looking for jobs. After I get my license. Or before. Wow I have a lot to do.. but being busy is better than being sad.

Isn't it cute? This is definitely going on the happiness list.