Breaking barriers

Everyone with an eating disorder has a specific set of rules that they strictly follow. If they break any of these rules, it's the end of the world. Never ending guilt and pain for hours.

My rules used to be the following: no eating after 7 pm, when you eat, eat slowly, drink water before each meal, drink __ amount of water each day, never eat over ___ calories each day, etc. Since starting recovery, I've been trying to break those rules as much as i possibly can.

Today, i broke all of those rules. And i hope i'll continue to do so! Including counting calories. I talked with my therapist today and she said since i'm so hung up on counting calories, then buy foods/frozen meals that I've never bought before and have my mom black out the calories on the back. So far, it's giving me a lot of anxiety not know how many calories are in this food or that food but in the long run, i think it will help a lot. I mean, what normal person really does count calories? I didn't used to count them. Sure, i ate pretty unhealthy but i wasn't fat and i have to keep remembering that.

One thing that i'm really struggling with is body image. I have a really distorted body image. And it's weird, i don't think that i'm "fat" all the time. It comes and goes depending on the clothes i'm wearing at the time. My worst areas? my arms. I don't know why but my arms have always been hard for me. It's like they're always there, exposed. But another thing i have to realize is that I've probably only gained less than 5 pounds so far and my arms aren't going to magically get fat. They weren't fat before when all i ate was junk so why would they be fat now? They aren't fat. I'm not fat. I'll just have to start believing that.

-But on a side note, thanks to everyone for all the encouraging comments! Whenever i feel like a failure or i'm about to give up i read your comments and they keep me continuing recovery and avoiding relapse. Thank you :)

Losing Control

Ugh. Another day, more food to eat, blah. I know i probably sounded really determined yesterday, but unfortunately, that comes and goes. Sometimes i eat every meal and don't feel guilty at all. And then sometimes, i pick at my food and feel guilty because i didn't know the approximate number of calories i ate and feel like a complete failure. This was one of those days.

It started out pretty good, until i got to the kitchen for breakfast. I'm at my family's cabin, and the food that i brought, was in my dads car. My dad was gone. So i refused to eat anything for 2 hours and then finally i ate some mini muffins. They were stale.

Lunch was also bad. I ate a ton of fruit and mostly picked through everything else. I feel really bad about it but i can't help it! I didn't really like anything. By the time my dad got back, i was already done with lunch and was pretty mad.

For dinner, i had poptarts. I know my dietitian won't be very happy when she reads my food list sheet, but i wasn't really planning on eating dinner anyway. So this is a step up from not eating.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day and i'll be more in control. But the sad part about recovery is, i never really feel that in control. People are always monitering how much food i eat, how much water i drink, and how much i exercise. And at the moment, i'm not allowed to exercise. Which really upsets me. I was just planning on going on a short, 15 minute walk but i can't even do that. I'm not allowed.

And knowing that i'm not in control, makes me want to go back to my old ways of barely eating anything and overexercising. But i know that isn't right. Whenever i have these feelings, i just picture myself in a hospital bed and it all goes away. Because that's where i'll end up if i don't recover.

So for now, i'll try to stick to my meal plan, do other things to keep me busy from exercising, and work through recovery. Recovery is hard, but i'm determined to overcome this disease.

New challenges

Weight gain was my first challenge. I've gained probably 2 pounds so far. Next challenge? ..Eating more. Eating more is really hard for me. Well.. for any eating disorder recoverer. Setting calorie limits for myself is such a habit now that it's going to be so hard to break. The habits that come with an eating disorder (cutting food into small pieces, eating slower, pushing food around the plate, hiding food, counting calories, working out, and eating safe foods) are hard to break. But the success and happiness that comes with breaking those little habits, are amazing.

So recovery is going to be a hard, long, road ahead. But i'm willing to get my life back. Who's with me?

A dream of what could have been

One thing that i haven't really shared is my dream. My dream, is to be a model. This wasn't really the main reason i became anorexic but it was one of them. Going to auditions, i felt confident. Something i never feel, because i knew that i was the thinnest person there and i had exactly what they were looking for. This wasn't necessarily true. Each agency/model management company is looking for something different. It isn't always thin girls. And i have to realize the model management company i am with now, is going to accept me no matter what.

Still, every time i look at those thin, thin models on the runway, i get really sad and dream of what could have been. I could have been out there. I could have been one of them.

My dream still is that i will be out there one day. But this time, when i picture myself out on the runway, i have a big smile on my face and i'm healthy.

Weight gain or loss

This right here, is what i used to see in the mirror. And it took me a while to realize, this isn't true! When i used to look in the mirror when i was sick, i almost got dizzy for half a second and then this is what i saw. Now, i see me. I don't go searching for flaws.

But besides that, I've unfortunately lost a pound. No, i didn't weight myself. When i go to my dietitian every week, we do a blind weight test. I step on a scale that kind of looks like a black pad thing and she reads the number somewhere else. This is very useful considering people with eating disorders are constantly obsessed with their weight. She wasn't going to tell me my weight, but i told her my concerns that i wasn't gaining weight and that i thought my weight was staying the same. Judging by the way my smallest jeans fit.

And she said I've lost a pound and a half. Ugh, all the hard work for nothing! Sure, I'm kind of happy i'm not rapidly gaining weight (which could never happen) but i almost feel as if my efforts for recovery are squashed. Like my "great progress" is getting me nowhere.

She even mentioned the death word inpatient again. I instantly panicked again. If i went to inpatient, i would probably be very scared, lonely, the nurses may not be nice, people may make fun of me.. just because, and i may get worse because of peer pressure. Also, i would have to repeat a grade because who knows how much school i would miss?

I just wish they would appreciate my progress. I eat three meals a day. They may be small, but at least it's a start. And whenever they think i can't do something, i prove them wrong! After i left there, i told my mom "i have to gain weight. I don't want to go to inpatient and i want to show them i can do this. Can we go to Culvers?" Okay that may not be the healthiest choice but still.. it's more than i would eat in a day (considering i already ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner today) and i don't eat snacks yet. Hopefully i'll be able to show them that i'm stronger and i won't have to go to inpatient.

The difference between a good day and a bad day

A good day can mean a lot of things. It usually means that i'm comfortable with my body and the clothes i wear, i feel pretty confident about myself, and I've eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and gone on an hour leisurely walk. A bad day usually means that i don't feel like eating much, i'm counting calories, i feel ugly and fat in anything i wear, and i haven't went on a walk. Yesterday was one of those days.

When people have an eating disorder, they try to avoid all things food. But that doesn't mean they're still thinking about it. When i was eating only 500 calories a day, food occupied my entire life. All i would do everyday is look up recipes, plan meals, and compare how many calories this food had or that food had. Now that i'm eating more, food is really only taking up 30% of my time versus 70%. Which is really great. But i'm getting off topic.. yesterday was a bad day pretty much because i put on a tight shirt that's always been tight no matter what and when i looked in the mirror i already expected before i even put the shirt on that it would look bad. I read somewhere that when you think positively, then you'll have a better outlook on life and feel better about yourself. So i guess next time before i look in the mirror i'm going to say: i look good! And maybe i'll believe it.

Losing a best friend

Lately, it's been hard to try letting go of my anorexia. Weird, isn't it? You'd think i'd be wanting to throw it out a window and stop it into the ground or something but.. no. I guess it's almost like losing a best friend. I've been thinking about all the clothes i'll no longer be able to fit into, how food doesn't taste as good anymore, and when i look at pictures of skinny people i kind of feel a pang inside my chest. Like the feeling like you just lost a best friend.

I know this is probably a dumb feeling to have but i'm sure other people have gone through it too. And maybe it's even a normal part of recovery.
The truth is, i kind of don't want to let go of it. Part of me still wants to hang on, and is saying that i can live with it. But deep down, i know that isn't true. It's a disease. A person with cancer can't just live with cancer and not get treatment right? This is almost the same thing.

I know deep down that no, i can't eat 800 calories a day, i can't overexercise, and i have to eventually eat like a normal person and find a way to be happy with that. Hopefully, i will eventually be a normal person.