Fear

Like I said before, I have been struggling lately. I've been eating 1,200 calories a day for a long time. Before it was okay, it was enough to keep me full. Now, my stomach has expanded and it wants more food. I was really hungry yesterday so I really didn't eat much of my dinner. When I'm not properly fed or anything, I really crave sweets. So I had 4 cookies with some frosting. I know that's not a good dinner at all, but I really couldn't help it. I tried to eat my dinner, but it just wasn't doing it. Maybe because it was something I didn't like very much. I'm not sure. But yesterday was definitely not a good day for me.

I've been trying to get myself to eat more but it's hard. The ED always jumps in and says sure. if you work out for 45 minutes. Or it says no, just drink some water. Or do you want to become more fat then you already are? Drink some water. You'll be fine. You don't really need food. I know all of these are lies. But it's hard. It's so hard to separate the eating disorder thoughts from my own. But now, I'm going to do it. I have to think long and hard about each decision I make. When I go for a walk I have to think, does the eating disorder want this? Or do I want it? The same thing is for my weight. I want to gain weight. The eating disorder does not want me to gain weight. And the same is for a cookie. But almost different. I have to think, have will I feel after I eat this cookie? Good? Then I will eat it. If not, then I won't eat it.

I realize now that the eating disorder never ever wanted me to gain weight. Even at my lowest weight. It had a fit when I gained 4 pounds in 11 days. But I needed that. I was really underweight. I still am. But the thing is, I don't want people to be afraid of my body. I don't want people to say oh my god. She's so thin. I want them to say wow. she looks great! I used to want the first one. Not anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that a body gotten with anorexia, isn't a body worth keeping at all.

So what now? Hmm.. well first I need to increase my calories. I already came up with different breakfast ideas that contain more calories. They're healthy, but not the healthiest thing in the world. But honestly I don't care anymore. I want to be able to eat a veggie burger without the ED coming in and saying do you know how many calories that is?! Put it down NOW. Don't eat it. You don't want to be fat, do you? I want to be able to eat frozen yogurt and a veggie burger for dinner without any guilt. I want to be able to eat at a restaurant without panicking. I want to be able to be free. Free from this illness and able to live my life the way that I want to.

Imaginary weight gain

I thought I was over it all I really did. But today, I.. screwed myself over again. I went to the church today, but I didn't like it very much. I don't know.. I'm not really sure if I'm much of a church goer. I can never sit still, no matter how hard I try. The sermon was good, different, but I didn't really believe it. It wasn't so black and white like other church sermon's but it didn't really make sense. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

After church, me and my mom went on another walk around this beautiful lake. I love the weather now. It's perfect walking/biking weather. The lake was just so beautiful. There were so many people out too. The only problem was, I didn't eat a proper lunch. I should really plan in advance, but in the back of my head, the ED is saying don't eat. Hold off on it a little longer. No harm will come to it. Uh, yes it will. I'm supposed to stick to my meal plan. The ED makes it nearly impossible. Here's what I ate today:

-1 cup special k cereal, 1 cup light soy milk

-10 0z mango smoothie

-1 small apple

-1 cookie dough ball, 13 grapes

-1 personal pan cheese pizza, 1 cup dairy- free green tea ice cream, 2 tbsp mashed potatoes

Now that I write it down, I guess it doesn't seem like much. But it felt like a lot. I think the reason why I really ate so much later was because again, I didn't have a proper lunch. The body works in weird ways. If I don't eat properly now, I want to eat and eat and eat and eat later. I've been trying to plan, but it's a lot harder when you're out and about without any food.

After I ate the ice cream, I felt really really guilty. I thought I'd gained 5 pounds already. I wanted to not eat for 2 days, or at least restrict a little bit. But after while, I looked in the mirror and saw.. me. 110 1/2 pound me. I need food. I need structure. I need planning. I probably need to put on weight too. I just have to realize, that I won't gain weight by eating 400 extra calories for one day. Especially if I went for a long walk too!

So after a while, I realized that not eating for two days is stupid. I need food to live. To function. To learn and grow. After while I planned out tomorrow's day, and it was normal. I'm not going to restrict anymore. I'm not going to live my life in fear of gaining weight anymore. If I gain, I gain. If I lose, then.. I just need to stop. Anorexia isn't winning. I'm going to win this thing, even if it takes forever.

Perfection

I never used to be the one to cry over my body. And bad part is, I've been doing it a lot lately. I'm not getting sad over my body now, but over the body i might have. Of course, i know this is stupid and useless but i really can't help it. I don't really know why I'm doing this. I guess the need to be perfect is still there, which i hate. No one is perfect. Not even celebrities. So why do i want to be?

I'm trying to have the ED not control me, but it is one way or another. I still panic if a food is a certain number or calories and still feel bad if i eat more than i normally do. Only now, i eat pretty healthy and don't starve myself and try really hard not to look at calories. I really wish calories was never.. invented. Or found out about. It makes everything worse and people with ED's aren't the only ones obsessed about calories. Other people are too. It seems like in today's society, everyone is. Society shines a light on really thin people and says they're perfect. But does that mean everyone else fails in comparison?

In god's eyes, we're all perfect. Just the way we are. There's no need for diets, botox, plastic surgery, or any other thing because we're perfect just the way we are.

One thing i have decided to do differently, is eat every three hours. It doesn't overwhelm me and it feels great for now. The only thing i need to worry about now, is portion sizes. I'm not going to be perfect, and i have to accept that. Imperfection is perfect.

Breaking barriers

Everyone with an eating disorder has a specific set of rules that they strictly follow. If they break any of these rules, it's the end of the world. Never ending guilt and pain for hours.

My rules used to be the following: no eating after 7 pm, when you eat, eat slowly, drink water before each meal, drink __ amount of water each day, never eat over ___ calories each day, etc. Since starting recovery, I've been trying to break those rules as much as i possibly can.

Today, i broke all of those rules. And i hope i'll continue to do so! Including counting calories. I talked with my therapist today and she said since i'm so hung up on counting calories, then buy foods/frozen meals that I've never bought before and have my mom black out the calories on the back. So far, it's giving me a lot of anxiety not know how many calories are in this food or that food but in the long run, i think it will help a lot. I mean, what normal person really does count calories? I didn't used to count them. Sure, i ate pretty unhealthy but i wasn't fat and i have to keep remembering that.

One thing that i'm really struggling with is body image. I have a really distorted body image. And it's weird, i don't think that i'm "fat" all the time. It comes and goes depending on the clothes i'm wearing at the time. My worst areas? my arms. I don't know why but my arms have always been hard for me. It's like they're always there, exposed. But another thing i have to realize is that I've probably only gained less than 5 pounds so far and my arms aren't going to magically get fat. They weren't fat before when all i ate was junk so why would they be fat now? They aren't fat. I'm not fat. I'll just have to start believing that.

-But on a side note, thanks to everyone for all the encouraging comments! Whenever i feel like a failure or i'm about to give up i read your comments and they keep me continuing recovery and avoiding relapse. Thank you :)