How I stay happy

If I wasn't for my little dog Baily, I don't think I would stay sane. She's really the one that keeps me going on everyday. She's the one that keeps me happy. I know it sounds weird but hey, look at her! Isn't she cute? She always knows how to cheer me up when I'm sad and she always wakes me up in the morning. Dogs are almost like the best friend that doesn't judge you. They're always there for you and they always will be. They're not going anywhere. That's why I love animals so much. It's almost like they listen to your problems and don't judge or do anything.

I haven't really been able to be outside much lately. I've had so much homework! And the worst part is, they've put limitations on my exercise. And when I say they, I mean the doctor, therapist, and dietitian. It all started with the EKG scan. My doctor listened to my heart, took my blood pressure or something, took blood, but didn't weigh me. Everything was fine except the scan. But that's not the weird part yet. The weird part is, my child doctor who i haven't seen or talked to in a year, called my wellness/recovery clinic. She looked at the results of the EKG scan and said no exercise and she was "really concerned". Uhm, okay if you were really concerned then why didn't you call me and my parents? It made me really mad. Me and my mom decided not to see her anymore a long time ago so we've been seeing a new doctor for the past 6 months. Mainly because the other doctor is so crabby and negative and mean.

But anyway, when my dietitian told me this I was really sad. Taking walks by the lake with my dog is the only thing keeping me happy right now. Well that and baking. Not really modeling because the agency hasn't contacted us yet. So my mom called my doctor and she got it all straightened out. My doctor said that I wasn't that bad. My results on the scan were like 59 or something and she said the normal is 60. My childhood doctor said it was really low. No.. it was not in fact low. It was low, but it wasn't extremely low and she shouldn't be saying these things if she's not the one seeing me or taking the scans.

I guess when I think about it, I was 50% mad and the other half was the ED that was mad. But it was almost like people putting rules on my life. Which is what I'm trying to stay away from because with the ED, I had so many stupid rules. Now, I'm breaking all those rules.

I just have to be sort of careful with what I eat. Sometimes I think I'm getting Orthorexia nervosa, but I don't really think that's true. My eating habits have really improved. I still eat really unhealthy things like cake pops, cheese pizza, chocolate chip cookies, and coke zero. The last thing I need is to develop another disease. But I'm not going to. I am in control of my own life. Nothing is going to stop me from living my life now. Not the ED or anything.

Breaking barriers

Everyone with an eating disorder has a specific set of rules that they strictly follow. If they break any of these rules, it's the end of the world. Never ending guilt and pain for hours.

My rules used to be the following: no eating after 7 pm, when you eat, eat slowly, drink water before each meal, drink __ amount of water each day, never eat over ___ calories each day, etc. Since starting recovery, I've been trying to break those rules as much as i possibly can.

Today, i broke all of those rules. And i hope i'll continue to do so! Including counting calories. I talked with my therapist today and she said since i'm so hung up on counting calories, then buy foods/frozen meals that I've never bought before and have my mom black out the calories on the back. So far, it's giving me a lot of anxiety not know how many calories are in this food or that food but in the long run, i think it will help a lot. I mean, what normal person really does count calories? I didn't used to count them. Sure, i ate pretty unhealthy but i wasn't fat and i have to keep remembering that.

One thing that i'm really struggling with is body image. I have a really distorted body image. And it's weird, i don't think that i'm "fat" all the time. It comes and goes depending on the clothes i'm wearing at the time. My worst areas? my arms. I don't know why but my arms have always been hard for me. It's like they're always there, exposed. But another thing i have to realize is that I've probably only gained less than 5 pounds so far and my arms aren't going to magically get fat. They weren't fat before when all i ate was junk so why would they be fat now? They aren't fat. I'm not fat. I'll just have to start believing that.

-But on a side note, thanks to everyone for all the encouraging comments! Whenever i feel like a failure or i'm about to give up i read your comments and they keep me continuing recovery and avoiding relapse. Thank you :)