(:

Hey! Sorry I haven't wrote in a while, I've been kinda busy.

I've made like a ton of progress in the past week. Not like, weight wise but I decided to not be a vegetarian anymore. I thought I would be a vegetarian forever, but now I realized that I just wanted to be a vegetarian to feel special. See, when I first started recovery I wanted something besides my eating disorder (because I was trying to get rid of it) to make me feel special.

At the time I didn't really realize that I was a vegetarian for that reason. I've never really liked any other meat except chicken, unless it's hidden in something like meatballs or meat and rice or something. So that was another reason to be a vegetarian.

But what I didn't really realize was the side effects of not getting enough protein. I sometimes got really tired for no reason and pretty weak too. It wasn't from lack of food, but from lack of protein. I also really craved chicken too and I just denied myself enough protein for a long time. I finally admitted I didn't want to be a vegetarian anymore at the dietitian's. My mom actually started crying! And my dad said he was really proud of me. I guess I'm proud of myself too. It's still hard to get protein, but soon eating protein will get easier.

I also bought some bigger jeans. I haven't worn this size in likee 8 months? At first it was really scary but then I was like- why does this have to be such a big deal?! They're just jeans, and I want more breathing room than the smaller jeans.

I'm also starting to hang out with friends a lot more(: And I start a new high school in two weeks, I'm so excited. Staying at home all day really isn't that fun at all.

The best part is I'm starting to feel.. normal again(: I'm still underweight, but I think I can finally start to live the life the I want to, not the life Ed wants me too.

Learning healthy habits

Body checking. I think we all do it. Well, anyone with an eating disorder anyway.

I never realized I did this, until I talked with the family therapist yesterday. I walk into the bathroom, and there's a huge mirror. I look at my thighs, they're huge, a size eight at least, I feel so disgusting. So I check in the mirror in the other room, suddenly I'm thinner. Then I check in a different mirror in the same room, I'm thinner again. Then I go back into the bathroom, yuck look at those thighs.

I didn't change sizes from walking one room to the next! Body checking is also trying on clothes to figure out how each one fits. And its also feeling certain places of the body to see which place is thinner, stuff like that.

Now that I'm more aware of this, I realize I "body check" a lot! And it really bugs me. But I am really glad that I've realized this, so I can finally stop it. My parents are going to take down the mirrors in their room so I can't examine myself in them anymore, and we're going to block off a part of the mirror in the bathroom. It will take a while to get rid of this body checking habit, but I'm determined to do it. It doesn't make me happy, it only makes me feel fat and miserable.

I'm also trying to learn healthy exercise, and so far its going great! I'm doing strength training (only with 2 lb weights) and pilates. And I'm going to the dog park once a week with my dog. And I'm not exercising to burn calories, I exercise to be happy, and because I actually want to. I will no longer be slaving away on the treadmill. I don't really even like treadmills that much!

I have made progress, and that really really scares me. I haven't been at this weight in almost 3 months. I almost feel like I'm doing something very wrong. But I'm not! I'm still thin, and people are still worried about me. Hopefully being thin will no longer matter to me when I'm recovered. I just want to be healthy now.

Changing

Weight gain is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know it may not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me it really is. Not being able to feel as many bones, having extra fat on my body, eating so much I can't even move. I never thought it would be this hard. But that doesn't mean it isn't going to be worth it.

I want my freedom back. I want to be able to run without my parents yelling - no running! And them thinking I'm trying to burn calories when I'm not. I want to be able to look in a mirror and see me- not some person that has to lose weight. I want to be able to eat what I want, without my parents jumping in and saying its not enough to gain weight. And I want to be able to work out again!

The things I want to do, can't be done unless I get to my goal weight. Then I will have my freedom back. I think it will be really hard when I do get to a healthy weight, because there will be other girls thinner than me, but to know I'm happy and healthy and to remember how miserable I was at a lower weight, won't make me want to me unhealthy again.

Fighting Ed is really hard, and I can't really do it on my own. So I'm going to look at this everytime I feel discouraged, and remember my goal is to change. Ed is not going to win.

These made me smile(: And helped me remember my goal.

Have a great day everyone!<3(:

Making a difference

As soon as I realized that I actually did want to recover, I wanted to help others recover too! Because recovery is so hard to do on your own! You have to face the table every day and eat, and be brave. For a while, I wasn't very brave. I would talk to other people who had an eating disorder, and they would beg me to eat more and I would tell them I don't feel like trying. I was too scared to face the demon, to stare it in the face and tell it that it was wrong.

It took me a long time to actually face the demon instead of just listening to the lies it told me. For a long time, I wore a size that was almost too small for me because I liked the small size, not the actual clothes. I would ignore the risks and still eat less because thats all I knew how to do. Now, everything has changed.

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't want to be cold anymore or have my brain shrink from lack of food or even have my heart shrink! Before I went to the new clinic, I didn't even know these things. I didn't know the heart shrunk. It did, because its a muscle and when you have an eating disorder, you get really weak.

I want to live now. I want to make a difference. Not gaining weight, isn't going to make a difference. I have to eat more than the average person eats and face my fears because I want to live. Being underweight for so long, is not living. I don't want people to ask me if I'm anorexic on formspring, and I don't even want them to question if I have an eating disorder anymore. I want to be healthy, strong, and beautiful.

We can all beat this. Don't be afraid, we can do this<3

I always listen to this song when I'm feeling sad, it always makes me feel better and stronger.

You CAN recover

Many people with eating disorders, die from it. Others never recover. I used to think that I would never recover. I used to think that I would never recover, and stuck eating 800 calories a day or less than that. Being cold alll the time and feeling trapped. Never going out to eat. Isolating myself.

Now I realize that I really can recover. And so can you. I know sometimes it feels so hard to even try to eat. We make up excuses like "I have no appetite" "I don't feel like trying to eat more today" "I just wanted to listen to Ed today, he was too strong."

But you know what will happen if you keep giving in to those excuses?



Isabelle Caro died from eating disorder complications. She was so strong, but she let the disease get the best of her. She's such an inspiration to me, and I'm going to keep fighting and keep eating so I can inspire other people just like she did. I hope one day I can be completely recover and help other people get recovered too. You don't have to live with an eating disorder forever. There is hope.

Update

Sorry I've been gone the past week! I've been trying to stay off the computer a little bit. I'll try to at least blog though(:

Everything has been going pretty well, I guess. I've been a little happier so I think the prozac is starting to kick in. I've also been eating more and I'm trying to at least fit in one snack. So far I've gained like 1 lb but that isn't much. I thought I had gained 5, but of course that was just Ed trying to manipulate me again.

I was talking with the family therapist about weight and body image and we started working on ways to fight back to Ed. Like if he said;

-Don't eat that brownie or else you'll get fat.

I could say;

-Actually, I won't get fat. I need to gain weight and eating one little brownie won't make me gain a ton of weight. Besides, I like brownies(: They're good and I'm not going to let you stop me from eating it.

Or if he says something about me like;

-Your legs are fat. Go to a gym already! No more sweets. And it's 1000 calories a day from now on, okay?

I could say;

-My legs are not fat and I am not fat. I hate that word! Stop calling me fat and stop bullying me. I want to live my life and not have you tormenting me.

So far I've said those things back and he doesn't have a response(: The past few days I've even had some fear foods too! Like a nutella sandwich. I've always been afraid of nutella because of the calories, but now I think it's really good! I had a nutella sandwich like two days in a row I liked it so much. I also had a regular peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Before, I would eat the frozen kind because it had the calories on the back but now I like making it myself. And I even added extra peanut butter this time(:

Have a great weekend everyone! I might update again this weekend.

Weight Exposure

I'm always really nervous when I have to see my weight. Is it too high? Too low? Will Ed like it and try to manipulate me? For the last few months its usually been the last one.

On Tuesday I had the weight exposure with the family therapist. I was so scared at first but after I saw it, I was actually surprised. My weight is actually pretty low. I've always thought that it was a little higher, but its pretty low. After I saw it, we started talking about my growth chart and what weight would be normal for me if I didn't have an eating disorder. I was surprised that my goal weight was actually pretty normal too. Like its in the healthy range and in my growth chart range or whatever.

I did meet with the doctor too, and she said I still haven't gained any weight! I was really surprised. I've actually been putting a lot of effort into eating more. But we met with the nutritionist and I said I could start adding dessert at lunch and dinner. Like yesterday I had 2 mini donuts from Starbucks and the dessert for dinner I had some splenda jelly beans. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I have to start small or else I get tooo overwhelmed and scared.

I know gaining weight is going to be scary. I've been underweight for 9 months. Thats not good at all. I almost got a message from God the other day. It was like he said, stay the same and never recover and die a little young (30-40 ish) or recover, gain, and live a long happy life. It was weird. I knew it was from God because it was almost like a lightbulb moment, and thats usually when God talks to me but I don't realize its him at first.

When I really thought about it, it made sense. Who would really want to have an eating disorder forever? And worry about all the food they've eaten everyday? Label each day as a "binge". A fail day. Then eat much less tomorrow. Thats no way to live. We need food to live, its as simple as that. From now on, I'm going to make sure to feed all of my body, not just parts of it.

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This was probably the best protein bar I've had so far. Chocolate chip cookie dough, yumm(:



I read this a few days ago. Its actually pretty good! And it actually wasn't triggering much at all. The pictures at the end of the book scared me though. But I think they were almost meant to do that. The ending was good at least, she recovered in the end(:



Dinner a few nights ago. My cravings are weird. One day I crave snacks like these, and then another day I crave a pizza and a chocolate chip cookie. Weird.



Coconut milk yogurt(: This is my favorite kind.



Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with mango and pineapple chunks(: It's really good.



My dog Baily(: I'm not sure what she was doing..




Have a great day Everyone!