Progress

Last night, I went to the clinic again. They never show me my weight, and the family therapist said I could probably start seeing my weight and growth charts and stuff soon. So after that we saw the nutritionist and that went well also, and I got weighed and stuff and met with my doctor. I think she was almost sorta mad, because she said that I made no progress so far. As in, I have not gained any weight since we started at the clinic a month ago.

I'm not sure why that made me mad and happy and the same time, but it did. I think Ed was happy because he had fooled me into thinking I'd gained at least 5 lbs so far and I was mad because recovery isn't always about the weight. Yes, I do have to get to a healthy weight so I can actually work out again and finally get rid of Ed, but just because I'm not gaining any weight so far doesn't mean that I'm not doing any mental progress.

I've made so much mental progress since getting to the clinic. Like;

-I'm no longer afraid of pasta. Like last week my mom was going grocery shopping and I asked her if she could pick up mac & cheese too. The regular kind. That's totally out of character for me! I haven't asked that in months.

-I'm eating more than I have been in 6 months

-I'm finally incorporating more protein into my diet

-I'm actually starting to be a little okay with weight gain. Before I was REALLY afraid. I would do everything not to gain weight. Now, I'm fine. Weight gain is scary, but I have to gain to live.

-I'm no longer afraid of eating out. Before I would "plan" to eat less the day before eating out, or just avoid it altogether. Now I don't really care and eating out is actually really fun!


So, recovery is NOT just about the weight but I will try harder to gain weight. And not count calories. That's really hard. Even though I'm not actually getting a calculator and counting, its a habit to just estimate and count in my head. Just staring at a piece of food and knowing the calories then adding them up. It's a really bad habit. I'll have to try really hard to break it. I'll do everything I can to not be threatened with inpatient again. I can beat this awful illness without inpatient.

Stop trying to please others, and start trying to please yourself.

I've been feeling really hopeless lately. Yesterday and the day before, I've really struggled. I talked with my mom, and she said that she would turn off her phone and leave it in the car before we went into the clinic. So at least that problem was solved.

It was only later that day, that it got really difficult. It was around dinner time, but I didn't want to eat. I felt like I had had too much earlier so when my mom asked me what I wanted, I struggled to answer, and said nothing. I wasn't really in the mood to eat. So of course, she did not listen and made me dinner.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I don't like other people making me food. It's almost like.. I don't trust them? (does anyone else have this problem?) I don't know why. I like making food for other people, but I hate when people make food for me. Sometimes they say that they're returning the favor, but I don't really see it as a nice gesture, I feel bad that food might go to waste.

Anyway, my mom made the food and called me to the table. I had no appetite. It was completely gone. I had absolutely no desire to eat. At all. So I did the ED trick, pushed it around the plate, messed around with it, took very very slow very small bites, drank the water first, but I guess luckily I was not fooling anyone. My parents got really really mad at me, and I hate when people are mad at me. It really stressed me out, so I got a really bad stomach ache. But my parents wouldn't believe me. They thought I was faking it and kept telling me to eat. Then, they began taking things away from me. Like my cell phone, Internet (which I really need to do school!), car rides, even occasionally hanging out with friends.

Eventually they got fed up and left me alone upstairs by myself. I didn't know what to do. My people pleasing attitude told me to just eat it, the ED told me to hide the food, but I didn't listen to either of them.

I ended up convincing my mom to read some ED articles on the NEDA website and now she's starting to read some ED parent books. So I guess it's a start.

I did eat something later though. The rest of the cake batter ice cream (yum!) but my mom of course, had to comment on that:"Do you really think that's a proper dinner?" "why don't you eat ____?" Me: "Well, I just don't feel like eating anything right now. Can't you just be happy that I'm at least trying?". So she just left me alone again.

Each time something like this happens, it makes me want to go away. Go away to a place where people understand me. Like an inpatient clinic in Texas, or California. I know I'm not that bad so I probably couldn't go there, but I want to. I'm so tired of people telling me to eat and if I do eat, they criticize me for what I'm eating. I can't help it/: I'm a sweets person. I like sweets. The ED says I should limit my sweet intake, but I don't listen to it. I like sweets and I am going to enjoy them. Even if I just have sweets for breakfast and then try to have proper meals later, I am still going to have them.

I will try harder this week. Hopefully I can just silence the voices around me (and the voice in my head) and just eat. Even if it's eating alone, at least I'm trying.

Weight gain? No thanks!

My therapist says that as I get towards a healthier weight, then I'll have a healthier mindset too. Well.. It doesn't look that way. I remember last year when I was at a healthier weight and I wasn't happy. I told my therapist that and she said maybe it wasn't that I was unhappy at that weight, but something else was going on at that time. Not really. It always seems like my therapist over analyzes things but maybe that's her job? I'm not sure. I remember being completely miserable at a healthier weight. I remember just before I went on vacation last year I was clothes shopping. I'd just started a healthier diet and had lost some weight. I tried on a size whatever shorts and they were too small. This upset me. I wasn't happy and I think that was when the ED started up again. So I guess if I really think about it, I might of been happier at a heavier weight. But the thing is, I've been small for a long time. It's so hard to change. I don't like change. It sorta sucks.

Another reason I want to be small is for modeling. Modeling is my dream right now and they won't want me to be at a heavier size. If they tell me to gain weight, then I will. Sounds stupid, but it's true. I'm not sure why I would want to listen to them more than my own mom and my therapist & dietitian. Maybe because I feel like they're the boss. The agencies and designers are. What they say, goes.

I met with my dietitian on Monday night and she said that I'd lost a pound. I wasn't really that disappointed, just really surprised. I'm not trying to lose weight at all. I blamed the bike ride on the weight loss at first but she said it was probably just the amount of increased exercise. But I haven't really been exercising? I've decreased the amount of walks I've been taking and the amount of water I drink each day. But no matter how many good changes I seem to make, they're not good enough unless I gain 1/2 a pound or a pound.

My meals have really changed. I used to only eat just a microwavable diet meals like smart ones or lean cuisine for lunch or dinner but now I build my own meals. I put into consideration the amount of food groups I'm supposed to have a day and end up having at least 5 different food groups for lunch. My dietitian seems to like that more but it still doesn't seem good enough.

I also met with my therapist yesterday and we (finally) talked about body image. I told her what I've been seeing and feeling lately and she said not to trust mirrors. She said the longer you stare at something, the bigger it gets. And she asked me if I saw the pound loss when I looked in the mirror. And it's weird, I didn't see the weight loss at all. I thought I'd gained at least a pound. She also said that I can't gain 10 pounds in a week. It will actually take me months to get there. That was sort of a relief to me so I'm a little less worried about that.

So what do I need to work on? Increasing calories, Really really trying to ignore the ED voice instead of just listening to it. And try to make a good impression on the new modeling agency I'm going to today. The top agency I visited a few weeks ago still hasn't called us yet. This new one, called us and actually asked us to come see them! I've never heard of this agency before so we'll see if they're legit or not. But I really hope they are because I really want to get a job.

A year's difference

I try to think of what life was like last year and it's so hard to imagine. I was a completely different person then. I cared too much about what other people thought of me and I had toxic friends. The ED wasn't very present then, but it was still in the back of my mind. Just very quiet.

Last year, I had friends who decorated my locker at school on my birthday. This year, no friends. But honestly, I'm happier now. Which is weird but I don't have friends. Yes I have to get friends, but it's so hard to find GOOD friends.

See, my friends last year were toxic. Sure, we had our good times, but the drama outnumbered the good times. They made me feel so bad about myself, and at the time, I didn't even realize it. Now, I do. Friends are caring, loving, and supportive. They accept you for who you are and love you for exactly you. My friends last year did not do that. They treated me badly without me realizing it. They made fun of my parents and disrespected me and my home. They left messes everywhere they went and treated people badly. But, they weren't all bad. Just misguided, like everyone else my age is.

I do realize that I have to get friends and they will make my life better but it's hard. I've been isolated for months, and the ED encouraged that. The ED told me that when my friends left me, people would love me if I lost weight, and that never happened.

But honestly, friends aside, today was a pretty great 16th birthday for me. I went to the cheesecake factory and ate a good amount of food and it felt pretty good too.

I realize that friends are probably a step in the recovery process. I just have to learn to get over my fear of getting toxic friends. There are good people out there. I just have to find them.

Crazy thoughts

The other night, i was looking at some old pictures of myself. These are pictures of before i got really sick and restricting and they were taken in April. As i looked at them I thought: am i crazy?! I even looked super skinny there! Why oh why did i start destroying my body?! what's wrong with me? Why didn't i see that? Why do i see that now? why am i so stupid?

I probably weighed 20 pounds more there. And i did look good! But I hate that i didn't see that. That i was so selfish that i wanted to look even thinner when in reality, i didn't need to lose any weight at all.

But one thing that really scares me is what if i don't look like that when i gain all the weight back? What if i gain even more weight and become fat because they'll never let me work out? This I know is the ED thoughts. The What if? thoughts.

The worst part is, i can't seem to get rid of them. No matter how hard i try. They're always in the back of my mind. They're always saying: eat less. please eat less. recovery is stupid. it doesn't matter. give up. I know you're going to.

Stupid ED. I really wish this disease didn't exist. At least I know that when I overcome this, I'll be much stronger. There's nothing stopping me now.