Progress

Last night, I went to the clinic again. They never show me my weight, and the family therapist said I could probably start seeing my weight and growth charts and stuff soon. So after that we saw the nutritionist and that went well also, and I got weighed and stuff and met with my doctor. I think she was almost sorta mad, because she said that I made no progress so far. As in, I have not gained any weight since we started at the clinic a month ago.

I'm not sure why that made me mad and happy and the same time, but it did. I think Ed was happy because he had fooled me into thinking I'd gained at least 5 lbs so far and I was mad because recovery isn't always about the weight. Yes, I do have to get to a healthy weight so I can actually work out again and finally get rid of Ed, but just because I'm not gaining any weight so far doesn't mean that I'm not doing any mental progress.

I've made so much mental progress since getting to the clinic. Like;

-I'm no longer afraid of pasta. Like last week my mom was going grocery shopping and I asked her if she could pick up mac & cheese too. The regular kind. That's totally out of character for me! I haven't asked that in months.

-I'm eating more than I have been in 6 months

-I'm finally incorporating more protein into my diet

-I'm actually starting to be a little okay with weight gain. Before I was REALLY afraid. I would do everything not to gain weight. Now, I'm fine. Weight gain is scary, but I have to gain to live.

-I'm no longer afraid of eating out. Before I would "plan" to eat less the day before eating out, or just avoid it altogether. Now I don't really care and eating out is actually really fun!


So, recovery is NOT just about the weight but I will try harder to gain weight. And not count calories. That's really hard. Even though I'm not actually getting a calculator and counting, its a habit to just estimate and count in my head. Just staring at a piece of food and knowing the calories then adding them up. It's a really bad habit. I'll have to try really hard to break it. I'll do everything I can to not be threatened with inpatient again. I can beat this awful illness without inpatient.

Christmas

Christmas, wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My normally crazy family, was actually somewhat normal this time(: My aunt is getting a divorce and she usually starts drama, but this time she was very happy! And she wasn't pretending either. And my grandma! She was soo happy:D Usually she complains a lot and talks to people about her health problems but she didn't say a word about them all night! I was so happy for her(: I missed that grandma, I feel like I haven't seen that side of her in a long time.

Eating at my uncles house, actually went okay. I did skip breakfast that day which helped relieve my anxiety a bit, and I ate pretty balanced there too. I did drink an awful lot of diet coke and powerrade zero, but I didn't feel guilty about food the whole night.

The only problem that night was, I didn't want to open my presents along with everyone else. We went in order from youngest to oldest, each person being on display and 5 different people taking pictures of that person. Everyone kept bugging me to open them, but I just ended up opening them up when everyone was playing games. It's not that I was being snotty or anything, I just didn't want to be on display for everyone. I'm not sure why I'm okay with that with my dads side of the family.. maybe because I feel more comfortable with them. On my moms side I almost don't feel as accepted. Like I have to watch what I do or say.. I feel kinda judged with them. Oh well. It was all okay in the end(: I spend most of my time there playing games & playing with the dog.

Christmas day, actually went okay too(: I spent most of the day opening presents, but my favorite part was when my dog opened her presents! She's so funny(: After that, I curled my hair & got ready to go out, and me and my mom went searching for restaurants (my dad was too lazy to get off the couch..). We ended up going to Denny's and I was so happy because they actually have a veggie burger on the menu now!:D Yayy! It was okay, but I was still happy that they had something different. After that we saw Little Fockers(: It was soo funny!

The only bad part about Christmas this year was that I wasn't very excited. I was mostly worried about food and weight and such. But I'm getting two more people added to my treatment team on Wednesday & Thursday so I will get more help(: My family will get help with finding a balance of help and control. I can't have them not caring what I eat (like today!) but I also can't have them control every thing that enters my mouth & not giving me any encouragement about eating.

It will all get better eventually. God is on my side, he will help me out of this<3(:

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This is my aunts dog that I was taking care of last Monday(: She's soo cute! She never really leaves your side which can get kind of annoying, but she's still fun.

This is me in my Express Christmas outfit(: I was kinda afraid to post pictures of myself at first because I didn't want to trigger anyone or anything like that but I want to finallyy post pictures. I'm not really afraid anymore.


My cute Christmas tree:D



My backyard! Look at all the snow!



I finally curled my hair with my new no clip curling iron(:



I think this is my new favorite song, I listen to it whenever I'm sad and it always cheers me up.



Have a great night everyone! I hope you all had a great Christmas!(:

It's beginning to feel a lott like Christmass(:

It's FINALLY starting to feel like Christmas. I'm so glad. And I'm so happy(: for now anyway, I really hope that it lasts. This may be a quick post but who knows, I talk a lot(;

I think I'm starting to feel happier because I'm getting out a lot more. If I just stay locked up in the house for days, of course I'm going to get depressed. I'm not talking to anyone or really doing anything.

I have been going for a few walks lately. They're so much fun(: I usually don't go for very long, and I have to bundle up a lot, but they're still fun. I usually go with my dad and my dog and have a latte afterwards. The chai tea latte from Dunn bros is my new favorite.

I also went Christmas shopping alll day today. I got my mom these yummy truffles from See's candy, and some fuzzy socks. They're soo soft!

I got my dog a tonn. I love my dog(: She makes me happy so I got her a lot. I got her a cute pink coat, 2 toys, some new chewies, and some gourmet treats that she loves. I'll post pictures of her in the coat later(:

I think it's starting to feel like Christmas again because my mom put up a cute Christmas tree in the living room and put presents under it. I already opened one, it was an outfit from express:D I love express, I already know the shoes I'm going to wear with it also. I'll post pictures of the Christmas tree & my Christmas express outfit sometime later.

So this weekend has been really fun. I saw the movie how do you know yesterday at like 9:30 pm and it kinda sucked, but I liked going out late. I also ate at this cute buffet style restaurant called Q.cumbers and it was so good! My fear of eating out no longer exists. I don't want to limit myself, so I've ate out a lot lately. And surprisingly, every time I go out my portions aren't huge, they're pretty normal sized. I'm glad that I'm able to eat out without worrying again(: I missed eating out and not restricting the day after.

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I almost forget these this week! Good thing I remembered(:

I lovee frozen yogurt(: I really like the soft serve kind, but this is the next best thing.

This tastes amazing with white chocolate chips or yogurt chips

My mom made this salad for me a few days ago(: It's soo good! It's basically just cheddar cheese, apples, and lettuce. I haven't found a dressing I like yet. I kinda like french, so maybe I'll try that next time.



This was the cutest movie ever. I know that I say that a lot, but it really is. The guy is like, totally perfect(: People called him a nerd throughout the movie, but he's soo not. Another great John Hughes movie.

This is probably my favorite naked juice. It's fruit andd vegetables. I love it.

And lastly, my favorite quote of the week(:



Have a great night everyone!

Stopping the lies

I've recently been reading Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer and I can't seem to stop reading it! She made me realize the ED voice even more. I realized it was with me when I looked in the mirror, ate out, and really just thought about food overall. After thinking about it, these are some of the conversations I realized I do not have with myself, but with the ED.

To eating out:

Ed: Remember, look at the calorie amount BEFORE you go out. Or else only get vegetables

Me: But the fried rice looks really good!

Ed: Oh my.. xxx calories for one serving! No. You are getting the vegetables.

Me: .. Fine.

To eating at home:

Ed:You should find that diet journal that you used to have

Me: The one that counted all the calories, fat grams, everything?

Ed: Yeah, that way I can control what you eat more.. I mean, you can control what you eat

Me: I honestly would rather eat xxxx calories a day. Not your amount.

Ed: Welll, if you do that you have to work out. Finding the diet journal would be a good idea

Me: ...Fine.

To looking in the mirror after a "binge":

Ed: Whoa, look who's gotten fat! You shouldn't eat tomorrow.

Me: But I just got all my favorite foods! I want to eat them..

Ed: If you eat a small amount and work out it should be fine

Me: But i don't want to do that either

Ed: You're going out to eat on Thursday. You have to prepare for that so you don't swell up like a big balloon. Drink lots of water so you don't get full. Do sit ups and squats too. Your legs & stomach are really fat.

Me: I think that you're just telling me that. What if I'm actually really skinny and listening to you will make me look like a walking skeleton?

Ed: It won't. Just listen to me, just this once.....

Me: .....Fine.

Wow, that is NOT me saying those things. Yeah, it seems really crazy at first to have a conversation going on inside your head but if that was a real person talking to us, would it seem as crazy? No. It wouldn't.

If we see Ed as an actual person, maybe we really can stop the lies. Sometimes, you really think that it's you saying these things, but it's not. It's the eating disorder. The eating disorder is making me think every time I eat out I have to look up the calories before. If the calories are not on the website, I can not eat there. Or, if the calories on the entree I want are too high, I can't get that. If I go to a restaurant, I have to get a small salad. Without dressing, cheese, and the things that actually make the salad taste good!

But you know what? I want to eat out without looking at the menu beforehand! I want to go shopping without the ED whispering fat in my ear, or saying good job if I'm thin that week. I want to be able to eat whatever I want and not look at the calories at all. I want to go to a restaurant without trying to scope out the lowest calorie thing on the menu, because my mom usually gets something really good and I'm sitting there with a small cold salad.

These are things that I am going to tell the new clinic when I see them after thanksgiving. The new clinic will hopefully help me eat more because I've been eating even less lately, maybe they can even eat with me sometimes? I hope so.

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A new thing I've wanted to start doing is Favorites of the Week. Whether it's a favorite video, food, books, I'll be sharing the favorites of the week every week(:

I'm really loving Breakfast Cookies lately. They're really good! A little more expensive than other cookies, but they're organic and they're reallyy good.

Amy's brown rice, tofu, and vegetable bowl. I've been eating this for a long time and it's really good! I think my favorite part is the tofu.


Chobani Greek yogurt! This is the fruit on the bottom kind. This is also really good(: I love it because it has 14 grams of protein in it and it's different from regular yogurt.



Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer. If anyone hasn't read this yet, you have to read it! It's a great book and it really opened my eyes to a lot of unsolved issues.


And lastly, the movie Billy Madison. Adam Sandler is in this one and he's hilarious! He makes the whole movie. I watch this whenever I'm sad and it always cheers me up.



Hope everyone has a good day!(: