A year's difference

I try to think of what life was like last year and it's so hard to imagine. I was a completely different person then. I cared too much about what other people thought of me and I had toxic friends. The ED wasn't very present then, but it was still in the back of my mind. Just very quiet.

Last year, I had friends who decorated my locker at school on my birthday. This year, no friends. But honestly, I'm happier now. Which is weird but I don't have friends. Yes I have to get friends, but it's so hard to find GOOD friends.

See, my friends last year were toxic. Sure, we had our good times, but the drama outnumbered the good times. They made me feel so bad about myself, and at the time, I didn't even realize it. Now, I do. Friends are caring, loving, and supportive. They accept you for who you are and love you for exactly you. My friends last year did not do that. They treated me badly without me realizing it. They made fun of my parents and disrespected me and my home. They left messes everywhere they went and treated people badly. But, they weren't all bad. Just misguided, like everyone else my age is.

I do realize that I have to get friends and they will make my life better but it's hard. I've been isolated for months, and the ED encouraged that. The ED told me that when my friends left me, people would love me if I lost weight, and that never happened.

But honestly, friends aside, today was a pretty great 16th birthday for me. I went to the cheesecake factory and ate a good amount of food and it felt pretty good too.

I realize that friends are probably a step in the recovery process. I just have to learn to get over my fear of getting toxic friends. There are good people out there. I just have to find them.

What life is like without an eating disorder

What is life without an eating disorder? I'm not sure because I've had one for so long. Not as long as some other people, but still a long time. And I keep trying to think what life would be like without anorexia, but it's hard because I feel like I've had this for so long.

I guess like without an eating disorder would be life with happiness. Life without worrying about stomach fat, exercising, overeating, and how many calories are in this food or that food. Life without an eating disorder would mean I would be free. I would be free to make my own choices without someone in my head telling me what to eat and when and how much to exercise. Life without an eating disorder would be amazing. I wouldn't have to worry how fat or skinny I am because I would be skinny. And I would believe that for once in my life.

Life without an eating disorder equals hope. Hopefully, I'll be free one day. Then I can help others like me.

One step forward, two steps back

I've realized that I've made so many strides in recovery. I'm not obsessed with working out anymore, I actually like my body now, and I'm not counting calories anymore. That huge! But all of a sudden, I feel different.

I'm not quite sure what happened, but suddenly, I almost feel like I'm falling back into my old patterns. Calories seem to matter more, I feel like I've gained weight again, and i don't want to gain weight. But why is it all of a sudden different? I don't understand. I've been doing the same thing I've been doing. It's strange. Recovery is so confusing, but I wish it wasn't this confusing.

Another good thing was, i did get my period back! I shouldn't be excited about that, but i am because it means I'm getting healthier again. I can't let myself fall back into my old patterns. I really can't. I want good health but i also still have a strong desire to be skinny. I'm suddenly afraid of gaining weight again and i hate that. I'm still not at the healthiest weight. But i really like my body right now. I'm afraid that if i gain weight, i won't like myself anymore.

I know this is stupid to think this way. The number on the scale shouldn't matter and the size of clothes I'm wearing shouldn't matter. But it does. To the eating disorder and to me. But to let go of this eating disorder, i have to learn to love myself. No matter how much I weigh or what size I am.

Self Esteem

On a scale of one to ten, my self esteem is probably a three. I know that's a low number, but it's going up!.. Until yesterday.

Unfortunately, i didn't get to model in the show. But that was okay, because I was really really scared because I'm not that experienced. I got to do the "grunt work" but I liked it! It was pretty fun. I like doing any kind of work, so i was happy.

It was what happened later, what made me feel really bad about myself. I was gonna go backstage to help dress the models but the fashion coordinator switched me out to the main room so i could watch the show. My job was to sit at this booth and let people know about this really cool online store. The other older girl i was working with explained it to me once and i was kinda confused but i just wanted to roll with it. Anyway, when the runway show started, she walked away and left me there by myself. Which is okay, i LOVE runway! It's pretty amazing to watch it all. But after the first show ended, the creepy older guy came up to me. I can't remember exactly what he said, i just remember him really intimidating me and making me feel really bad about myself and coming closer and closer to me. So, that's what made me feel really bad about myself and made me self esteem go even lower. Which triggered the eating disorder.

When I'm feeling really sad, or really bad about myself, i think of ways i can change the way people think about me. I know i shouldn't do this, but i can't help it. The first thing the came to mind, was lose weight. If i lose weight, he probably wouldn't have came up to me in the first place and started (flirting?) with me. I would be so scary looking like before, no one would ever do that to me again.

I know this isn't a good thing to think, and now that i do think about it, i don't want to do it. Although i have lost two pounds without trying (because I've been struggling lately) it would be easy for me to lose the weight but I'm not going to do that. The easy was out, isn't always the best. And I'm never going to see that guy again! He made another girl feel the same way i did and was escorted out by security and banned from coming to any of the fashion events ever again.

Next time, I'm definitely going to be by people or backstage helping the models. Or maybe even modeling myself one day(: Modeling is my dream, and I'm not going to let anything get in the way of it. Recovery is best for me right now and i can't go against it. I want to recover. I want to have more self esteem. And i have to recover to do that. Not lose weight.

New Surprises

When I woke up this morning, i just thought it was going to be a regular boring day. Until my mom surprised me again. The fashion coordinator emailed her and said she needed another model in the runway show! So i pretty much get to model! I don't think I'll get paid but still, it's such a great opportunity. At first i wasn't that excited, but I'm kind of weird like that. I have a really slow reaction to things and usually get excited an hour or two later.

The best part about it is I'll probably still be able to help out with behind the scenes stuff an hour or two before i model. The only thing that I'm really worries about is the sizes. She said i had to be a size two but i think i am? I'm not sure. My sizes are kinda weird right now because I'm in transition. My size zero jeans still fit so i should be able to be a size two.

But why am i obsessing about this? I shouldn't be obsessing about this but i can't help it. I've been worried about sizes and what I'm going to look like later. But i know in my conscious mind, I'll look good if i just eat healthy and exercise. I look like a stick now, and for some reason i like that.

Yesterday i put on an outfit and it made me look really skinny. And i liked it. But i shouldn't! I really shouldn't because I'm still not at the healthiest weight i can be at and I'm not supposed to look this way. I shouldn't be thinking up ways i can stay this way or planning when not to eat.

But I'm sure these are just the feelings that are supposed to be part of recovery. I cant just automatically be cured. It takes time and patience for me to get better. I just need to stop listening to these thoughts. I'll recover if i just stop listening to them.

Happiness

I can't remember the last time I was really, truly happy. It was a long time ago that I had a big happy smile on my face. Except today. Today, I had a pretty good day. Sure, I didn't eat that well, but I got over it and didn't feel guilty that I had too much of one thing. And It's only one day. I can pick myself up again tomorrow and start over.

I think the main reason I'm really happy today is because I'm finally involved with something. It's something I was kinda unsure about before, but now I'm really excited! I'm helping a fashion coordinator with Fashion week in the twin cities and I'm becoming her assistant on Friday. I can't even begin to describe how huge this is. It's just.. amazing! The twin cities never had a fashion week before soIi came at exactly the right time. It was meant to happen. And also, I've always wanted to see what the behind the scenes stuff was and I could also get a job someday out of this! And it's all thanks to my mom. My mom is so great. My birthday is coming up in two weeks and I was telling her how I didn't want it to be my birthday because I was so lonely so it wouldn't be a good birthday so we might as well just forget my birthday all together. So she called up this fashion place and asked if I could help! Thank you so much mom. If you ever read this, just know how much I appreciate you for all you do for me.

Anyway, I get to work there from 3-11 pm on Friday, running around and helping with things here and there. Hopefully I can take pictures but I might be really busy.

All in all, life seems great right now. It really does. This is the first time I've been really happy in months and I hope it lasts.

The evil voice returns

Okay, i think I'm a failure. Kind of. A little. Lets just say.. the weekend didn't go very well. See, my cousin was having a baby shower so me, my mom, and my grandma, drove 5 hours to see her. As soon as i thought about the trip, i instantly panicked. oh my god, what do i eat? when do i eat? what if they judge me on what I'm eating? What if i eat too much? Honestly, it didn't go too bad. But the ED thoughts were very very loud. Saturday was probably the worst day.

The day started out okay, i had an unhealthy breakfast of Starbucks light mocha frappuccino and we started driving. When we got there, the food didn't looks too good so i just grabbed a diet Pepsi and planned not to eat as long as i possibly could. That wasn't very long though. As i was drinking the Pepsi, my hand kept shaking from lack of food and it really scared me. Why am i so picky? Why can't i just eat something and stop putting so much thought into it? I ended up eating a cheese sandwich and a cupcake. Of course the ED didn't like this because there was a lot of cheese on the sandwich and it made me feel guilty and count calories.

Dinner wasn't the best either. I got a salad and a coffee ice cream thing from Wendy's and picked though the whole salad. But why am i doing this? I did so well on Friday. I didn't count calories at all that day and i consider that a huge step for me because counting calories is a habit. I don't understand why the eating disorder thoughts are returning and becoming really loud again. Every time i look in the mirror, i don't see what other people see and when i got home, i weighed myself. And to top it off, the eating disorder is telling me to restrict again.

I know that i can't listen to it. I have to fight back. I have to tell it, no! I'm not listening to you anymore. I want to be happy and you won't let me do that. I can't listen to it. I have to fight and challenge it as much as i can. I'm going to win this fight. ED won't be a part of my life anymore and i will be happy. Anorexia does not equal happiness.