Anger.

FML, FML, FML, FML, FML.

I feel like screaming right now. And throwing things. Violent much? .. I guess. I'm so mad right now. And sad. I have mixed emotions I guess.

I was excited to go to the clinic tonight because 1. I get out of the house & 2. I get help from my eating disorder.

Well.. that didn't seem to improve my mood. I was in a good mood until I got there. See my therapist, is super nice and understanding. But she doesn't help me deal with the feelings of eating more. I guess I can deal with them myself, but I'm still mad. But not really about that. She was happy that I started eating more and we're going to have a "family dinner" at the clinic next week & she's going to observe it.

We're going to have spaghetti.. which I pretty much hate. Or, well I guess the ED made me hate it. I'm more open to eating it now, but not with garlic bread. The ED sees that as a pound of fat that's just going to cling to me forever. Not really, but I still feel.. I don't know.

Anyway, after that I met with my doctor there. She said that I'd lost weight probably because my metabolism had gone up from eating more, and that I shouldn't work out. Even after I told her my workout plan, and even after I diminished it to walking with my dog for 20 minutes, she said no working out.

After that, I met with my dietitian. That's what got me angry. And sad. I felt like, attacked the whole time. She pretty much threw my vegetarianism out the window and said I should start eating meat again for protein. Then, she told me no more diet snacks (even though I don't purposely buy sugar free pudding.. that double chocolate kind is the kind I like, and it just happens to be sugar free), then she told me to have a snack after breakfast, after lunch, and after dinner. Even if I was still really full. So I told her maybe I could try some soy pudding and she said that would probably be good but then I should stop clinging to organic foods(she didn't exactly say that, but it was like that).

So, the night did not go well. The dietitian even told my mom that she should start eating meat again to like, help me start eating it! No. Thanks. I was so mad and frustrated. I was so sad too because she was not nice to me the whole session. She rarely smiled at all, I felt like she was lecturing me. I mean, she's a nice person but I don't know what happened. I feel like I almost did something wrong like I usually do.

I always feel like I'm the one that did something wrong. Me, J, and C hung out again on Thursday, but they haven't talked to me much since. I feel so stupid. Why don't they like me? We had so much fun & we laughed the whole time we hung out. When are people ever going to care?

I guess, I just have to do things my way. I'm not going to live for someone else, I'm living for ME. I'm gonna eat the way I want to eat. Not the way my mom wants me too, not the way my "team" wants me to, and especially not the way my eating disorder wants me too. From now on, I come first. Not my eating disorder. Not other people. I am so done people pleasing and eating disorder pleasing. It's time I start getting MY life back.

To start doing that, I'm going to start volunteering. At animal shelters and stuff like that. I'm going to try to find people that love and care about me. And I'm going to start going for peaceful walks with my dog again. Because I want to. If my ED wants to go for a walk, then I will eat something and not exercise at all that day. Because I'm living for myself now.

How I stay happy

If I wasn't for my little dog Baily, I don't think I would stay sane. She's really the one that keeps me going on everyday. She's the one that keeps me happy. I know it sounds weird but hey, look at her! Isn't she cute? She always knows how to cheer me up when I'm sad and she always wakes me up in the morning. Dogs are almost like the best friend that doesn't judge you. They're always there for you and they always will be. They're not going anywhere. That's why I love animals so much. It's almost like they listen to your problems and don't judge or do anything.

I haven't really been able to be outside much lately. I've had so much homework! And the worst part is, they've put limitations on my exercise. And when I say they, I mean the doctor, therapist, and dietitian. It all started with the EKG scan. My doctor listened to my heart, took my blood pressure or something, took blood, but didn't weigh me. Everything was fine except the scan. But that's not the weird part yet. The weird part is, my child doctor who i haven't seen or talked to in a year, called my wellness/recovery clinic. She looked at the results of the EKG scan and said no exercise and she was "really concerned". Uhm, okay if you were really concerned then why didn't you call me and my parents? It made me really mad. Me and my mom decided not to see her anymore a long time ago so we've been seeing a new doctor for the past 6 months. Mainly because the other doctor is so crabby and negative and mean.

But anyway, when my dietitian told me this I was really sad. Taking walks by the lake with my dog is the only thing keeping me happy right now. Well that and baking. Not really modeling because the agency hasn't contacted us yet. So my mom called my doctor and she got it all straightened out. My doctor said that I wasn't that bad. My results on the scan were like 59 or something and she said the normal is 60. My childhood doctor said it was really low. No.. it was not in fact low. It was low, but it wasn't extremely low and she shouldn't be saying these things if she's not the one seeing me or taking the scans.

I guess when I think about it, I was 50% mad and the other half was the ED that was mad. But it was almost like people putting rules on my life. Which is what I'm trying to stay away from because with the ED, I had so many stupid rules. Now, I'm breaking all those rules.

I just have to be sort of careful with what I eat. Sometimes I think I'm getting Orthorexia nervosa, but I don't really think that's true. My eating habits have really improved. I still eat really unhealthy things like cake pops, cheese pizza, chocolate chip cookies, and coke zero. The last thing I need is to develop another disease. But I'm not going to. I am in control of my own life. Nothing is going to stop me from living my life now. Not the ED or anything.