Sorry I've been gone the past week! I've been trying to stay off the computer a little bit. I'll try to at least blog though(:
Everything has been going pretty well, I guess. I've been a little happier so I think the prozac is starting to kick in. I've also been eating more and I'm trying to at least fit in one snack. So far I've gained like 1 lb but that isn't much. I thought I had gained 5, but of course that was just Ed trying to manipulate me again.
I was talking with the family therapist about weight and body image and we started working on ways to fight back to Ed. Like if he said;
-Don't eat that brownie or else you'll get fat.
I could say;
-Actually, I won't get fat. I need to gain weight and eating one little brownie won't make me gain a ton of weight. Besides, I like brownies(: They're good and I'm not going to let you stop me from eating it.
Or if he says something about me like;
-Your legs are fat. Go to a gym already! No more sweets. And it's 1000 calories a day from now on, okay?
I could say;
-My legs are not fat and I am not fat. I hate that word! Stop calling me fat and stop bullying me. I want to live my life and not have you tormenting me.
So far I've said those things back and he doesn't have a response(: The past few days I've even had some fear foods too! Like a nutella sandwich. I've always been afraid of nutella because of the calories, but now I think it's really good! I had a nutella sandwich like two days in a row I liked it so much. I also had a regular peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Before, I would eat the frozen kind because it had the calories on the back but now I like making it myself. And I even added extra peanut butter this time(:
Have a great weekend everyone! I might update again this weekend.
I'm always really nervous when I have to see my weight. Is it too high? Too low? Will Ed like it and try to manipulate me? For the last few months its usually been the last one.
On Tuesday I had the weight exposure with the family therapist. I was so scared at first but after I saw it, I was actually surprised. My weight is actually pretty low. I've always thought that it was a little higher, but its pretty low. After I saw it, we started talking about my growth chart and what weight would be normal for me if I didn't have an eating disorder. I was surprised that my goal weight was actually pretty normal too. Like its in the healthy range and in my growth chart range or whatever.
I did meet with the doctor too, and she said I still haven't gained any weight! I was really surprised. I've actually been putting a lot of effort into eating more. But we met with the nutritionist and I said I could start adding dessert at lunch and dinner. Like yesterday I had 2 mini donuts from Starbucks and the dessert for dinner I had some splenda jelly beans. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I have to start small or else I get tooo overwhelmed and scared.
I know gaining weight is going to be scary. I've been underweight for 9 months. Thats not good at all. I almost got a message from God the other day. It was like he said, stay the same and never recover and die a little young (30-40 ish) or recover, gain, and live a long happy life. It was weird. I knew it was from God because it was almost like a lightbulb moment, and thats usually when God talks to me but I don't realize its him at first.
When I really thought about it, it made sense. Who would really want to have an eating disorder forever? And worry about all the food they've eaten everyday? Label each day as a "binge". A fail day. Then eat much less tomorrow. Thats no way to live. We need food to live, its as simple as that. From now on, I'm going to make sure to feed all of my body, not just parts of it.
This was probably the best protein bar I've had so far. Chocolate chip cookie dough, yumm(:
I read this a few days ago. Its actually pretty good! And it actually wasn't triggering much at all. The pictures at the end of the book scared me though. But I think they were almost meant to do that. The ending was good at least, she recovered in the end(:
Dinner a few nights ago. My cravings are weird. One day I crave snacks like these, and then another day I crave a pizza and a chocolate chip cookie. Weird.
Coconut milk yogurt(: This is my favorite kind.
Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with mango and pineapple chunks(: It's really good.
Thank you all for the wonderful comments!(: Sorry I haven't commented on blogs lately! I've actually been very busy for once! That and my computer got a virus:( so I have to go on my ipod or use my moms super slow computer which I'm on now. Hopefully it will get fixed soon.
The weekend was actually really fun!(: Friday I went shopping with my mom and read the book The Lovely Bones (has anyone read it or seen the movie?), On Saturday I had Christmas with my dads side of the family (I know, late, but it always is), and today I met with some cousins & family at a restaurant to see my cousins new baby.
The weekend has been pretty good eating wise too. I actually have a goal weight in mind for me for once. Not for doctors, my parents, or my eating disorder (because Ed doesn't want me to gain!) for me. It's at the low end of the healthy range, but it's in the healthy range and I think thats all that matters.
I've been pretty happy lately too. I guess the key to being happy is being around people you love all the time(: Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!
I've been meaning to do this for a while. Thanks Missy!
Four words/phrases I use way too much;
-Like. She was all like, I was like
-OMG!
-Yeah, for sure
-This isn't a word, but I use way too many smiley faces!(:
Four Things I'm passionate about;
-Stopping hate. There has been so much hate on formspring lately. People calling each other fat. I'm trying to stick up for each person that has been called fat/a mean thing
-Animals! Specifically dogs
Thats my dog Baily and me(:
-Volunteering
-Raising awareness about eating disorders
Four things you'd discover upon meeting me (in real life);
-I'm funny
-I'm pretty much always wayy too late or way too early
-I'm kinda shy (but not as much as I used to be! I'm finally breaking free of that)
-I can never sit still. Thats probably why I hate video games!
Four things I've learned from the past;
-God's love is unconditional. No matter what you do, God will always love you
-True friends don't treat you like crap
-Be yourself. You were born an original, don't die a copy
-Laughter is the best medicine
Four things I eat that freak people out;
-Tofu
-Green Tea Frappuccinos
-Coconut milk yogurt
-Chik'n nuggets
Yum:D
Four tv shows I love;
-Degrassi!
-Glee
-Make it or break it
-90210
Four tv shows I loved;
-Zoey 101
-Spongebob
-The amanda show
-The Hills
Four things I'm looking forward to;
-Starting a new school
-Moving to a warmer place
-Meeting true friends
-Finally recovering from my eating disorder
Four things I love about winter;
-Cute winter clothes
-Christmas
-Taking peaceful walks in the snow with my dog
-Drinking lattes and eating soup
Four ways poor nutrition destroyed my body;
-Being cold. All the time!
-Sometimes having trouble breathing as a result of not enough food
Last night, I went to the clinic again. They never show me my weight, and the family therapist said I could probably start seeing my weight and growth charts and stuff soon. So after that we saw the nutritionist and that went well also, and I got weighed and stuff and met with my doctor. I think she was almost sorta mad, because she said that I made no progress so far. As in, I have not gained any weight since we started at the clinic a month ago.
I'm not sure why that made me mad and happy and the same time, but it did. I think Ed was happy because he had fooled me into thinking I'd gained at least 5 lbs so far and I was mad because recovery isn't always about the weight. Yes, I do have to get to a healthy weight so I can actually work out again and finally get rid of Ed, but just because I'm not gaining any weight so far doesn't mean that I'm not doing any mental progress.
I've made so much mental progress since getting to the clinic. Like;
-I'm no longer afraid of pasta. Like last week my mom was going grocery shopping and I asked her if she could pick up mac & cheese too. The regular kind. That's totally out of character for me! I haven't asked that in months.
-I'm eating more than I have been in 6 months
-I'm finally incorporating more protein into my diet
-I'm actually starting to be a little okay with weight gain. Before I was REALLY afraid. I would do everything not to gain weight. Now, I'm fine. Weight gain is scary, but I have to gain to live.
-I'm no longer afraid of eating out. Before I would "plan" to eat less the day before eating out, or just avoid it altogether. Now I don't really care and eating out is actually really fun!
So, recovery is NOT just about the weight but I will try harder to gain weight. And not count calories. That's really hard. Even though I'm not actually getting a calculator and counting, its a habit to just estimate and count in my head. Just staring at a piece of food and knowing the calories then adding them up. It's a really bad habit. I'll have to try really hard to break it. I'll do everything I can to not be threatened with inpatient again. I can beat this awful illness without inpatient.
On new years last year, I was sitting at my grandmas house watching her dog and watching Degrassi because she was in the hospital. I was really sad & bored because it wasn't how I wanted to spend my new years. This year, was much different(:
I was sitting on the couch on new years eve watching degrassi (of course..) and feeling sad when C texted me. She asked if I could sleep over at J's house and I was soo excited! I'm not about to become best friends with them and tell them everything, but it was fun hanging out with them. We all took turns talking to J's boyfriend (we're all good friends with him), goofing around, and then making cake balls. We did play black ops too, but that wasn't very fun.
We stayed up until 5, so the next day I was really tired! Even after going out to eat with my mom and having 2 large glasses of diet coke, I was still tired! I feel asleep at around 3, then woke up at 6 and I was still really out of it. I've been thinking about the new year, and new years resolutions and it made me think of the sleepover with J and C again.
I was playing truth with J's boyfriend over the phone (like truth or dare, except we just do the truth) and he asked if I could change one thing about myself, what would it be. And, I actually couldn't think of anything! Before when I was letting my eating disorder control my every move, I would of said a lot. But now, I'm actually happy with the person I am. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I've always felt insecure about myself, wishing I wasn't this or that.
Now that it's the new year my only resolution is to accept myself. I think it'll be a resolution that I'll be able to accomplish for once(:
This year, has probably been one of the hardest years of my life. It started off okay, then gradually got worse and worse as my eating got worse and I isolated myself even more, but now, I think it may finally be starting to get better.
I have decided to go back to a public school. Not my awful previous school, but a brand new one, by my mom's work a half hour away from home. I like the idea of it, a fresh start. I'm going crazy being locked up in the house all the time. I can't live like this anymore. It's going to be a little scary to start a new school, but I gotta do it. Once this semester of my online school is over, I'm starting a new school.
At first I wanted to go back to my old school, but then I realized that was a lie. My friends, are not real friends. Yeah I'll still talk to them, but they're just not there for me. C gossips like there's no tomorrow, and J is still in denial struggling with her eating disorder.. and she's usually not there for me. When she is there for me, its usually only for a week, then the next week I don't hear from her. Oh well, just best not to dwell on it. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope they're happier in the future.
I finally met with a physical therapist, and I learned a lot. I learned how the body works, and how when I was only eating 500 calories a day, I was only feeding one part of my body. No wonder I was close to dying! It made me feel a lot better about eating. She said still no cardio, but a 30 minute walk once a week won't hurt. I'll need permission from my doctor though. She did say I could do yoga and pilates! I did an abs pilates tonight.. I did it before, and it's hard! But I wasn't thinking about the calories burned, I was thinking about my form in pilates, and stuff like that. I kinda liked that(: I can't wait for the snow to melt so I can start running outside.. I miss running!
I also met with a psychiatrist. The bad part is.. I have depression. But I already knew that. The good news is, she prescribed me with depression meds. I kinda feel a little more hopeful knowing things might get better.
I forgot to mention, last night me & my mom stayed at a hotel too! See, the roads are super bad, and there was ice storms in the forecast for when I was supposed to go to the clinic an hour away, so we just decided to stay at a hotel by there. It was so nice! We ate at the restaurant, and I ate soo much! For me anyway, my stomach is probably the size of a small pea right now.. oh well, I need food(: I skipped breakfast, and had a super tiny lunch. From now on, I'll make sure my meals are planned. My mom is helping me too, she's gonna premake my lunches and arrange them in the fridge or write them down on paper and set them on the kitchen table.
I have learned so much in the past year. I'm so much stronger. And smarter. I finally have the knowledge to beat this. I know that I need food to live, to function. Without food, I can't even put my makeup on! I have difficulty breathing. I'm "high" and numb. I can't really live life without food. Gaining weight is going to be scary, but I'm gonna do it. I want my strong body back. I want to run again! I want to fully live again. Now, I'm on my way getting there.
Oh one more thing! This video is really cool(: I saw it a few days ago, and I love the message of it.
Have a great night everyone! And happy new years!(:
