I think I'm going to be taking a break from the blog world for a while. I really have to try and focus on myself right now, and being happy, and recovering and stuff. I have to focus on all the positive things in life or else I'm afraid that I'll become really sad again.
I'm finally starting to not get REALLY depressed at night so that's a good sign(: I guess the only thing I'm afraid of now, is the clinic I go to. I just want to be DONE. I feel normal again. I don't feel 100 % cured, but I feel like a normal girl again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I don't really want to put a huge effort into gaining weight because I feel what I'm doing is okay. I'm eating enough to feed my body, and I'm eating whatever I want.
I guess I feel that when I focus on recovery and eating disorders and sad things and all that, I start to get caught up in it all, and it's really hard to stop thinking about it. Like when I start talking about my eating disorder, like now, I start body checking, obsessing about food, calories, everything.
But when I'm with friends and I'm having tons of fun, I really don't think about food and just eat whatever I want and don't let my eating disorder get to me. The eating disorder is always in the back of my mind and it doesn't bother me because I'm not letting it control me.
I'll blog again when I'm in a better place in my life and eating disorder and stuff.
Thanks for listening <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">And remember, you're all beautiful (:
Friday, February 11, 2011
Hey! Sorry I haven't wrote in a while, I've been kinda busy.
I've made like a ton of progress in the past week. Not like, weight wise but I decided to not be a vegetarian anymore. I thought I would be a vegetarian forever, but now I realized that I just wanted to be a vegetarian to feel special. See, when I first started recovery I wanted something besides my eating disorder (because I was trying to get rid of it) to make me feel special.
At the time I didn't really realize that I was a vegetarian for that reason. I've never really liked any other meat except chicken, unless it's hidden in something like meatballs or meat and rice or something. So that was another reason to be a vegetarian.
But what I didn't really realize was the side effects of not getting enough protein. I sometimes got really tired for no reason and pretty weak too. It wasn't from lack of food, but from lack of protein. I also really craved chicken too and I just denied myself enough protein for a long time. I finally admitted I didn't want to be a vegetarian anymore at the dietitian's. My mom actually started crying! And my dad said he was really proud of me. I guess I'm proud of myself too. It's still hard to get protein, but soon eating protein will get easier.
I also bought some bigger jeans. I haven't worn this size in likee 8 months? At first it was really scary but then I was like- why does this have to be such a big deal?! They're just jeans, and I want more breathing room than the smaller jeans.
I'm also starting to hang out with friends a lot more(: And I start a new high school in two weeks, I'm so excited. Staying at home all day really isn't that fun at all.
The best part is I'm starting to feel.. normal again(: I'm still underweight, but I think I can finally start to live the life the I want to, not the life Ed wants me too.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Body checking. I think we all do it. Well, anyone with an eating disorder anyway.
I never realized I did this, until I talked with the family therapist yesterday. I walk into the bathroom, and there's a huge mirror. I look at my thighs, they're huge, a size eight at least, I feel so disgusting. So I check in the mirror in the other room, suddenly I'm thinner. Then I check in a different mirror in the same room, I'm thinner again. Then I go back into the bathroom, yuck look at those thighs.
I didn't change sizes from walking one room to the next! Body checking is also trying on clothes to figure out how each one fits. And its also feeling certain places of the body to see which place is thinner, stuff like that.
Now that I'm more aware of this, I realize I "body check" a lot! And it really bugs me. But I am really glad that I've realized this, so I can finally stop it. My parents are going to take down the mirrors in their room so I can't examine myself in them anymore, and we're going to block off a part of the mirror in the bathroom. It will take a while to get rid of this body checking habit, but I'm determined to do it. It doesn't make me happy, it only makes me feel fat and miserable.
I'm also trying to learn healthy exercise, and so far its going great! I'm doing strength training (only with 2 lb weights) and pilates. And I'm going to the dog park once a week with my dog. And I'm not exercising to burn calories, I exercise to be happy, and because I actually want to. I will no longer be slaving away on the treadmill. I don't really even like treadmills that much!
I have made progress, and that really really scares me. I haven't been at this weight in almost 3 months. I almost feel like I'm doing something very wrong. But I'm not! I'm still thin, and people are still worried about me. Hopefully being thin will no longer matter to me when I'm recovered. I just want to be healthy now.