Saturday, October 30, 2010

How to deal with mean people

I've had a couple bad experiences in my life. I was cyber bullied in 6th grade by one of my best friends, and I didn't even know it was her at the time. The Internet can be a place for people to insult one another without even seeing their faces. But people can bully or be mean to you to your face too, but I think online it's even worse.

The best thing to do, is to send them love and kindness. My mom used to tell me that as I was crying or fuming or something and I would laugh because I knew it wouldn't work. I was wrong. Obviously, those people aren't very happy. So they need to make YOU feel the same way. That isn't right of them, is it? But if we just send kindness back to them instead of feeling sad or angry, they wouldn't do that to people anymore.

A bully's purpose is to make you feel awful, sad, and insecure. But if you say something nice to them when they insult you, they aren't achieving their goal. You might even end up being friends with them in the end.

This may not work in every situation, but I'm going to try. I've been bullied for my super white skin, hair color, size, boob size, and personality. But you know what? I love the person I am and the way I look now(: I'm going to try to send love and kindness to everyone. Because it isn't worth getting into a fight over. And I'll be a happier person in the end.

I'll never be like this again. I know now, that isn't not worth it. Just because someone makes me feel bad, doesn't mean I have to make someone feel bad.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


I used to not like positivity at all. Most shows I used to watch would make fun of it but now I'm seeing it in a completely new light. I love being positive. When I'm not, I feel stupid and hopeless. And I think my mom has really taught me to be positive is every situation.

As hard as it is to remain positive about friends, ED frustration, and everything else, I try my best now. Before, all I did was complain because I didn't know what else to do. Not anymore. There's no use crying over spilled milk right?

Eating was bad for me today. I baked today so I had a some of what I baked in the morning, felt bad, skipped lunch, my snack and finally had dinner at 7. But hey, at least I did try. I was going to skip dinner altogether because I saw my dietitian today and she said I've gained 1/2 pound. But now I really realize that 1/2 pound is nothing. I shouldn't be scared. I shouldn't want to work out or eat less the next day. I need to gain weight because I'm actually starting to even scare myself.

So tomorrow is another day, I'm going to eat right and try not to hop on the treadmill and run forever. That won't make me feel much better.

I did finally make my happiness list! It's a great thing to have because it cheers me up right away. And at the top of the list? Jimmy Fallon! That guy is hilarious. And I always watch this video when I'm feeling sad.

I hope everyone had a good day!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Back to the real world

I used to have a Facebook. I probably had about 200-300 friends, like everyone else did on there. But who really has 300 friends? Okay.. Probably Oprah. But really, if you have 300 friends on Facebook or Twitter or whatever, do you really talk to them all on there? Most likely not. I know I didn't. So why do we add so many people on there? To be look cool? That's usually the case. If you only have 20 friends on there people are like -wow loser, I have 300 and she has 20! Ok, maybe not but some people do that.

I remade a Facebook a few days ago and some weird things happened. People were actually interested in talking to me. I forgot how Facebook worked for a while because I deleted my old one a few months ago. I put modeling pictures up and they were actually pretty surprised and -happy for me. That's so weird because I thought they would be jealous. But i didn't want them to be jealous, just saying. At this age, we get jealous over the dumbest things. I get jealous because this person is more liked than me, and they get jealous of me because they think I'm prettier than them. Or so I was told. But those people have to realize looks don't matter to me. What matters to me, is how people treat each other. If some person is really mean but they're pretty, they usually have a ton of friends. Because they're pretty. That's not someone I would want to be friends with because I want nice, mature people in my life. People who ignore peer pressure and who are good people.

I realize now I probably shouldn't have made a Facebook again but I still want to keep it. I'm not going to go on there everyday and I'm not going to add people I'm never going to talk to again.

So, I'll see how it goes. I'm not looking for drama on Facebook. What I'm looking for, is to reconnect with old friends. I miss talking to them. Not the mean ones, but the good friends. The weird part is, when people leave that school, they usually become better people in the end. That's true for me and one of my other friends anyway. For me, I found God again. He was there all along, but I was so caught up in Popularity and drama, I didn't listen to him. Now, I'm going to listen to him. He will guide me in the right direction, whether it's being friends with those people again, or not.

Monday, October 25, 2010


I know I said I was changing, and I'm trying but it's hard. Today was especially harder.

I'm home alone all day, so I usually text my mom. Sometimes she doesn't respond and I get even lonelier than before. I have my dog, and the computer, and sometimes I have classes but I don't think it's enough sometimes. Me and my mom got in a fight because I felt lonely.. kind of. I was really really cold today and I looked in the mirror and was afraid. I'm just.. too skinny. So I asked my mom if she could pick up Culver's. Fast food right now is really the only way for me to gain weight. Sorta. It has a lot of calories, so I get less for more. I don't usually over think the calories of it. At home, there's only healthy food. Which I like, but on days where I feel like that, it's good to eat fast food.

She said no and we got in a fight about other stupid stuff and I got really sad. When I'm feeling sad or hopeless and there's no one around me, I think of destructive things to do. Cutting, Running, drinking wayy too much water, bottle of pills.. etc. I know it's so bad, but these moments happen. It's why I should make a list. A list of things to make me feel better when I'm feeling down. I've been forgetting about it, but I'm finally going to make it. I need it. I need a list of little things to cheer me up.

What my mom has to understand though, is that I need someone. I'm home alone all day and if talking to her only for a little bit each day while she's gone making me feel better, then she should do that.

The reason I couldn't get Culver's myself is because... well.. I don't exactly have my permit yet. I know it's so bad but I took the drivers ed class two months ago. And I've been meaning to take the test and then go in for behind the wheel lessons, but I'm scared. Last time I drove, my dad put too much pressure on me to stay behind the line or something and I accidentally drove the other way into a ditch. I probably shouldn't be practicing without a permit but it was up north and no one was around. It wasn't on a highway or popular road and if cars came by, we would drive to a dirt road.

Driving just scares me. I always see car accidents and mean crazy drivers. But, I just need to get over my fear. I need to move on. I need to study for the permit test, actually finally take the test, and get behind the wheel lessons. And by doing this and finally getting my license sometime later, I don't need to wait for my mom to drive me everywhere. I can go places by myself. I can go take a walk in a popular place or go to the mall or go look at new schools. Doing something instead of just sitting at home.

Like I said, I have put thought into a public/private school. But I'm not sure. I think I'm scared because my old school was so bad. One time there was even rumors of a shooting. It never happened but it really could have. At my old school, the people were just awful. They were so mean and snotty. There was chew in the sink, wet paper towels on the wall in the girls bathroom, people skipped class for 15 Min's and then came back high. It was sad. I don't want to be at a school like that. I want to be at a school where I don't look around and feel alone.

I'll keep looking. In the meantime, I have to start looking for jobs. After I get my license. Or before. Wow I have a lot to do.. but being busy is better than being sad.

Isn't it cute? This is definitely going on the happiness list.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I used to really hate change. Every time I got a new schedule for a new semester of school I would groan because I didn't know anyone and I liked the way it was. Not anymore. I'm tired of sitting around wallowing in my own stupid misery and depression. I want to do something about it! I want to be busy and happy. I want to stop feeling insecure when I see someone with more confidence and better clothes than me.

Today, I did something about it. I went to another new church. It was okay, better than last time, but it was huge!! There was so many people. Probably too much for me but the good thing is, they have other smaller churches exactly like the one I went to today. And closer to where I live too! This one was 45 minutes away. Worth the drive though!

I think that I like change, but I'm sort of afraid of it. Or I used to be. I'm so tired of living in an unhappy bubble. I want to have friends and laugh and to actually enjoy life. Today somehow changed that. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was actually busy. I went to church at 11, ate, visited my grandma, went shoe shopping(:, did some unit exams for school, and watched desperate housewives. It may not be how I usually or used to spend the day, but I liked it. I wasn't alone or sad at all today. I was happy.

Feeling busy is, I guess a way for me feeling happy. Whether it's shopping, coming home late, or a modeling thing, I feel great after doing so.

Now that I've tackled getting out of the house, I have to start doing other things too. I can't keep pouting that modeling isn't taking off, I have to do something about it!

My mom actually has a friend in the modeling business. Okay.. not friend but old childhood neighbor. But still, it's a start! My mom's friend has her own agency or something so we're going to mail them photos. It may take a while to get there, but it's worth it. The wait is worth it if something good comes out of it.

I've actually put more thought into going to a public/private school. Before I was so apposed to it. Now, I guess I'm warming up. I can't really meet people if I'm sitting on my butt on the computer right? Okay.. I kinda can but you know what I mean.

So all in all, I like change(: I've been even thinking about changing my room. I really like these rooms.

I would put quotes on the walls and maybe some black and white/in color pictures too. I can't wait for everything to change(:

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Anger and Frustration in recovery

We all get frustrated sometimes, right? Yesterday was that day for me. Some days we just have those days where nothing goes right. I'm not sure why but Wednesday is never a good day for me. Something always seems to go wrong. Everything was going sort of okay until we got to the audition around 7. I thought they just wanted to meet with me and a few other people.. nope. When me and my mom got there, it was like a cattle call. There was a roomful of people there. This is how some open calls go, but not really. Some open calls have only women sometimes, usually it's never both. There were kids, guys, women, parents. But that's not what made me feel weird. They offer classes there and something didn't exactly seem right about paying 10,000 dollars for a 3 year contract and classes. It's sad there are some "agencies" out there like that. It made me kinda sad that a lot of people in this world are getting scammed. We left earlier than everyone else did. I'm glad I did. I could tell they were interested in me, but I've already taken classes. Even though I've never gotten any jobs, I know what I'm doing and my family doesn't have the kind of money to pay 10,000 dollars. Hopefully I can find some agency another time.

After we left, my mom was hungry and wanted to know what I ate that day. I told her and she wanted me to eat more. She kept bugging me about it for about a half hour until she gave up and ordered vegetarian Chinese food. When we got back to the house, I had about a 1/2 cup of fried vegetable rice and 2 fortune cookies. That might not seem like much, but it felt like a lot to me.

When someone has anorexia, they always have an all or nothing attitude. Like say I wanted to work out for an hour. The ED might say something like well if it's not vigorous and it's not for two hours, you might as well not work out at all. Last night, it said well if you already gave in and ate that then you might as well get a medium blizzard or eat a pint of ice cream. So I ate 2/3 of the pint of ice cream and.. felt really guilty. Since my mom is the one who is usually with me when I eat, I asked her to just ask me how I'm feeling sometimes. If she would of done this before the ice cream or after I ate the rice, I would of probably felt better but she didn't know yet. After I asked her this, she immediately pointed out all the things I did wrong when asking for the ice cream and I felt really bad. I got really really mad and frustrated and just wanted to stop eating for 2 days. Or at least restrict. We got really mad at each other for 2 hours and I just sad on the floor crying, disgusted with myself.

We did talk later and she promised to ask me how I'm feeling. When I got mad at her, I felt really alone. Even if I have a helpful doctor, dietitian, and somewhat helpful therapist, I still felt all alone. I felt so completely alone like I did when I was eating barely anything 3 months ago. And I hated the feeling. It made me feel like nothing has changed but it has. I've made good strides.

Next time I'll probably try to watch a funny movie or read a magazine or distract myself instead of thinking up harmful destructive things for myself.

But one thing people have to realize is that forcing me to eat more is not going to help me. Usually I wind up feeling guilty and eat way less the next few days after that and I'm even worse off than before. I have to want to change myself. It seems so hard now but I think If I get busier, I'll want to change. Last year I hung out with friends a lot and was in tennis so I was eating and busy a lot. This year I'm just home alone doing school all day and thinking about the eating disorder. If I have ways to really distract myself from the eating disorder, then I'll be sure to recover. I don't meant that I'll ignore it, but if I'm busy the eating disorder won't be my main concern. I'll have tons of other things on my mind.

I'm sorry if yesterday's post was triggering or negative. And I'm sorry if this one is too. I'm just trying to figure things out. Figure things out, vent, and recover from this illness.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Weight gain? No thanks!

My therapist says that as I get towards a healthier weight, then I'll have a healthier mindset too. Well.. It doesn't look that way. I remember last year when I was at a healthier weight and I wasn't happy. I told my therapist that and she said maybe it wasn't that I was unhappy at that weight, but something else was going on at that time. Not really. It always seems like my therapist over analyzes things but maybe that's her job? I'm not sure. I remember being completely miserable at a healthier weight. I remember just before I went on vacation last year I was clothes shopping. I'd just started a healthier diet and had lost some weight. I tried on a size whatever shorts and they were too small. This upset me. I wasn't happy and I think that was when the ED started up again. So I guess if I really think about it, I might of been happier at a heavier weight. But the thing is, I've been small for a long time. It's so hard to change. I don't like change. It sorta sucks.

Another reason I want to be small is for modeling. Modeling is my dream right now and they won't want me to be at a heavier size. If they tell me to gain weight, then I will. Sounds stupid, but it's true. I'm not sure why I would want to listen to them more than my own mom and my therapist & dietitian. Maybe because I feel like they're the boss. The agencies and designers are. What they say, goes.

I met with my dietitian on Monday night and she said that I'd lost a pound. I wasn't really that disappointed, just really surprised. I'm not trying to lose weight at all. I blamed the bike ride on the weight loss at first but she said it was probably just the amount of increased exercise. But I haven't really been exercising? I've decreased the amount of walks I've been taking and the amount of water I drink each day. But no matter how many good changes I seem to make, they're not good enough unless I gain 1/2 a pound or a pound.

My meals have really changed. I used to only eat just a microwavable diet meals like smart ones or lean cuisine for lunch or dinner but now I build my own meals. I put into consideration the amount of food groups I'm supposed to have a day and end up having at least 5 different food groups for lunch. My dietitian seems to like that more but it still doesn't seem good enough.

I also met with my therapist yesterday and we (finally) talked about body image. I told her what I've been seeing and feeling lately and she said not to trust mirrors. She said the longer you stare at something, the bigger it gets. And she asked me if I saw the pound loss when I looked in the mirror. And it's weird, I didn't see the weight loss at all. I thought I'd gained at least a pound. She also said that I can't gain 10 pounds in a week. It will actually take me months to get there. That was sort of a relief to me so I'm a little less worried about that.

So what do I need to work on? Increasing calories, Really really trying to ignore the ED voice instead of just listening to it. And try to make a good impression on the new modeling agency I'm going to today. The top agency I visited a few weeks ago still hasn't called us yet. This new one, called us and actually asked us to come see them! I've never heard of this agency before so we'll see if they're legit or not. But I really hope they are because I really want to get a job.

Monday, October 18, 2010


I really wish that I could be free. Free of worry and pressure. Free of fear. Free of writing down what I eat everyday and handing it in to be judged. I know this is good for me but It doesn't feel good. I almost feel trapped. I want to be free to make my own choices. Free to eat whatever I want, workout how ever long I want (not long), and free to make my own choices about my own life. Maybe it's a control issue. I feel in control now. But I don't feel very in control when people tell me what to do. When people tell me to gain weight. To only work out this amount of time and then eat this amount of food.

When I really think about it, I now I'm not recovered yet. I still need to heal my mind. But the thing is, I don't want to gain weight. That's common in anorexia, but I'm not starving myself anymore. I eat healthy and I feel good about it. I've got rid of rules. I eat whenever I want now. If I'm hungry I eat, no matter what time it is. It just seems like my therapist doesn't want to help me get better unless I gain weight. The thing I really hate about seeing her is that what she doesn't tell me some things, she tells my mom. Last session, she decided to see my mom because of the whole doctor issue. She mostly met with my mom on Friday and she said that if I don't gain weight, they won't be able to offer their services anymore. What?! So I'm getting kicked out? How nice. She basically said that it meant they weren't doing their job right, which might be true for my therapist but not my dietitian. It's not very fair. I feel like my therapist doesn't have faith in me. Like she's already almost given up on me. Like if I don't gain weight, I'll be some reject that can never be saved.

They just don't realize I'm happy. I'm never really that hungry anymore. I'm not really obsessive or extreme about anything anymore. Sure, I still have body image issues, but they almost seem to ignore those. The body image issues have gone down, but they're still there. Likes yesterday. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see me. I looked skinny everywhere except my legs. My legs kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It was a little scary. And I really need help with that. At least I didn't let it scare me too much. I ate a normal size dinner, added up the calories and I was a little low so I ate more. Which is great! I'm able to realize that I need to eat more and then I do! I think that a good accomplishment, right?

But one thing I've realized is that being out of shape goes both ways. Skinny and overweight. When I went biking on Saturday, I was huffing and puffing and was really out of breath. I thought I would like it but I hated every minute of it. My ears were cold and now I have a really bruised butt. Yay. But this is a learning experience. I'm learning what I like and renting a bike and riding 5 miles is not one of them. Bike riding by a pretty lake in a circle, maybe. I did eat a very good dinner afterward though. I worked hard and I deserved food.

I'm seeing my dietitian tonight so I'll see if I gained any weight. If so, then I guess that is a good thing. I just don't want her to be disappointed in me if I didn't gain weight. I hate when people are disappointed in me. But I have to get over that. People are going to be disappointed in me but I can't let it affect me.

Friday, October 15, 2010

How I stay happy

If I wasn't for my little dog Baily, I don't think I would stay sane. She's really the one that keeps me going on everyday. She's the one that keeps me happy. I know it sounds weird but hey, look at her! Isn't she cute? She always knows how to cheer me up when I'm sad and she always wakes me up in the morning. Dogs are almost like the best friend that doesn't judge you. They're always there for you and they always will be. They're not going anywhere. That's why I love animals so much. It's almost like they listen to your problems and don't judge or do anything.

I haven't really been able to be outside much lately. I've had so much homework! And the worst part is, they've put limitations on my exercise. And when I say they, I mean the doctor, therapist, and dietitian. It all started with the EKG scan. My doctor listened to my heart, took my blood pressure or something, took blood, but didn't weigh me. Everything was fine except the scan. But that's not the weird part yet. The weird part is, my child doctor who i haven't seen or talked to in a year, called my wellness/recovery clinic. She looked at the results of the EKG scan and said no exercise and she was "really concerned". Uhm, okay if you were really concerned then why didn't you call me and my parents? It made me really mad. Me and my mom decided not to see her anymore a long time ago so we've been seeing a new doctor for the past 6 months. Mainly because the other doctor is so crabby and negative and mean.

But anyway, when my dietitian told me this I was really sad. Taking walks by the lake with my dog is the only thing keeping me happy right now. Well that and baking. Not really modeling because the agency hasn't contacted us yet. So my mom called my doctor and she got it all straightened out. My doctor said that I wasn't that bad. My results on the scan were like 59 or something and she said the normal is 60. My childhood doctor said it was really low. No.. it was not in fact low. It was low, but it wasn't extremely low and she shouldn't be saying these things if she's not the one seeing me or taking the scans.

I guess when I think about it, I was 50% mad and the other half was the ED that was mad. But it was almost like people putting rules on my life. Which is what I'm trying to stay away from because with the ED, I had so many stupid rules. Now, I'm breaking all those rules.

I just have to be sort of careful with what I eat. Sometimes I think I'm getting Orthorexia nervosa, but I don't really think that's true. My eating habits have really improved. I still eat really unhealthy things like cake pops, cheese pizza, chocolate chip cookies, and coke zero. The last thing I need is to develop another disease. But I'm not going to. I am in control of my own life. Nothing is going to stop me from living my life now. Not the ED or anything.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Like I said before, I have been struggling lately. I've been eating 1,200 calories a day for a long time. Before it was okay, it was enough to keep me full. Now, my stomach has expanded and it wants more food. I was really hungry yesterday so I really didn't eat much of my dinner. When I'm not properly fed or anything, I really crave sweets. So I had 4 cookies with some frosting. I know that's not a good dinner at all, but I really couldn't help it. I tried to eat my dinner, but it just wasn't doing it. Maybe because it was something I didn't like very much. I'm not sure. But yesterday was definitely not a good day for me.

I've been trying to get myself to eat more but it's hard. The ED always jumps in and says sure. if you work out for 45 minutes. Or it says no, just drink some water. Or do you want to become more fat then you already are? Drink some water. You'll be fine. You don't really need food. I know all of these are lies. But it's hard. It's so hard to separate the eating disorder thoughts from my own. But now, I'm going to do it. I have to think long and hard about each decision I make. When I go for a walk I have to think, does the eating disorder want this? Or do I want it? The same thing is for my weight. I want to gain weight. The eating disorder does not want me to gain weight. And the same is for a cookie. But almost different. I have to think, have will I feel after I eat this cookie? Good? Then I will eat it. If not, then I won't eat it.

I realize now that the eating disorder never ever wanted me to gain weight. Even at my lowest weight. It had a fit when I gained 4 pounds in 11 days. But I needed that. I was really underweight. I still am. But the thing is, I don't want people to be afraid of my body. I don't want people to say oh my god. She's so thin. I want them to say wow. she looks great! I used to want the first one. Not anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that a body gotten with anorexia, isn't a body worth keeping at all.

So what now? Hmm.. well first I need to increase my calories. I already came up with different breakfast ideas that contain more calories. They're healthy, but not the healthiest thing in the world. But honestly I don't care anymore. I want to be able to eat a veggie burger without the ED coming in and saying do you know how many calories that is?! Put it down NOW. Don't eat it. You don't want to be fat, do you? I want to be able to eat frozen yogurt and a veggie burger for dinner without any guilt. I want to be able to eat at a restaurant without panicking. I want to be able to be free. Free from this illness and able to live my life the way that I want to.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Imaginary weight gain

I thought I was over it all I really did. But today, I.. screwed myself over again. I went to the church today, but I didn't like it very much. I don't know.. I'm not really sure if I'm much of a church goer. I can never sit still, no matter how hard I try. The sermon was good, different, but I didn't really believe it. It wasn't so black and white like other church sermon's but it didn't really make sense. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

After church, me and my mom went on another walk around this beautiful lake. I love the weather now. It's perfect walking/biking weather. The lake was just so beautiful. There were so many people out too. The only problem was, I didn't eat a proper lunch. I should really plan in advance, but in the back of my head, the ED is saying don't eat. Hold off on it a little longer. No harm will come to it. Uh, yes it will. I'm supposed to stick to my meal plan. The ED makes it nearly impossible. Here's what I ate today:
-1 cup special k cereal, 1 cup light soy milk
-10 0z mango smoothie
-1 small apple
-1 cookie dough ball, 13 grapes
-1 personal pan cheese pizza, 1 cup dairy- free green tea ice cream, 2 tbsp mashed potatoes
Now that I write it down, I guess it doesn't seem like much. But it felt like a lot. I think the reason why I really ate so much later was because again, I didn't have a proper lunch. The body works in weird ways. If I don't eat properly now, I want to eat and eat and eat and eat later. I've been trying to plan, but it's a lot harder when you're out and about without any food.

After I ate the ice cream, I felt really really guilty. I thought I'd gained 5 pounds already. I wanted to not eat for 2 days, or at least restrict a little bit. But after while, I looked in the mirror and saw.. me. 110 1/2 pound me. I need food. I need structure. I need planning. I probably need to put on weight too. I just have to realize, that I won't gain weight by eating 400 extra calories for one day. Especially if I went for a long walk too!

So after a while, I realized that not eating for two days is stupid. I need food to live. To function. To learn and grow. After while I planned out tomorrow's day, and it was normal. I'm not going to restrict anymore. I'm not going to live my life in fear of gaining weight anymore. If I gain, I gain. If I lose, then.. I just need to stop. Anorexia isn't winning. I'm going to win this thing, even if it takes forever.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Detached from myself

I've been feeling so strange lately. I can recognize the feeling too.. It started when I was in 7th grade. It was such a strange feeling. An awful feeling. I almost.. forgot who I was. Yes, it sounds a bit strange but it's true. It's almost like I see myself living, breathing, eating, typing, but it's not me that's doing that. It's someone else. This feeling scares me so much and I'm trying to forget about it, but for some reason it won't go away. It's very brief, but I still don't feel attached to myself. I don't know what it is or what brought it on. It's weird. It's almost like I'm incapable of feeling anything. It's almost like a constant numb feeling. When I don't feel this, I'm happy. When I do.. nothing. It almost makes me want food to occupy my every waking moment again because at least then I didn't have these thoughts.

I did meet with my therapist today though. I've decided to continue seeing her. I think the whole problem was I didn't really express my emotions. I've always been a person to run away from things. I "dropped out" of school and became isolated. This is so similar because I wanted a new therapist. There was nothing wrong with her. She was just saying things that upset me and that I didn't want to hear. So I told her, we worked it out, and at the end it was a good session.

The only things I really have to work on is not developing another disease. She was worried that I'm developing orthorexia, an obsession with eating healthy food that is very similar to anorexia. But I challenged it, had a diet coke, and was fine. I don't have orthorxia. I like sweets. I like pop and other things. I just don't like eating animals or animal byproducts very much. There's a difference between the two.

She also said to be more in tune with my body. Meaning, when if I get hungry after breakfast, eat. Usually I do get hungry after breakfast and I always try to repress it because it's "not time to eat". It's not that my breakfast is too small, I just need to add in another snack. I was really worried about it at first but now it's not such a big deal. It's just a snack. It's not going to kill me.

Anyways, sorry this is such a weird post. I just needed to get it all out. Hopefully I can get over this feeling and move on and never feel it again.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Finally busy

I can't remember the last time I've been busy. I think I was busy last year, but for different reasons. I was in tennis and that kept me a bit busy, but not by much. This year is completely different. I had a meeting with ignite model management today and it went great! I've emailed them photos before, but they weren't professional so they didn't contact me. This time, they contacted me within a week! Their office was impossible to find, but the extra walking and wrong directions were worth it. I think this is meant to be. This agency/management company is really different than the ones I've been to. I keep getting signs that it's meant to be. That I'm meant to be there. Another difference is that this agency is actually known. People have heard of them and in the last fashion show I worked on, their models were actually in the show!

They're going to meet with us again soon to discuss contracts and stuff and I'm so excited. I never used to get excited right away about modeling agencies and stuff but this time I was really excited right away. I feel really good about this. I might even get jobs from here and get to go to Japan, New York, and other amazing places. This is the first time I've been busy the whole day, and it felt great. Now that I'm in online school, I get to do whatever. If my mom is home on Thursday, I can go to the mall in the middle of the day! I'm so open to do pretty much whatever I want. That doesn't mean I still have homework though. I actually have more than before, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it.

After we met with them, we went to my dietitian. My dietitian is great. She understands me completely and she's super nice. My therapist on the other hand, is another story. It's not that my therapist isn't nice, she is but we just don't understand each other. We just don't connect. Last week and the week before that she mentioned inpatient care. What?! I thought I was way past that. I had no idea why she mentioned it and I felt so sad because I felt like she didn't realize my progress. And I also feel like I can't talk to her. There's always dead air between us, and I don't think it's supposed to be that way. I feel bad for talking about her this way, but I just had to get it out. I'm frustrated. I feel like I can't open up to her. I told my dietitian and she said that I just had to tell her. If I don't tell her, than she'll probably just be hurt and angry. I guess I'll just see what happens.. I meet with her tomorrow and I just have to be honest with her that it's not working out.

After that, we went to an all natural foods store. I like grocery shopping, I do, but I feel bad when I get too many things. But I shouldn't feel bad! I'm running out of food and I need food to live. This isn't like before when I ate 500 calories a day so the food lasted forever. I actually eat the food and enjoy. This is the first time I've actually got excited about food! I found a ton of meat replacement items, which was great. I never, ever, used to go directly for the meat but now I do because I like it, it's not actually meat, and it tastes better than meat! I also found a great dairy-free coconut milk yogurt and dairy-free coconut milk ice cream that I was excited about. The ice cream was green tea, so obviously I loved it ;)

I also love the strides I've made. I actually want friends now, but I'm not desperate anymore. I've realized my old friends weren't worth it and I've moved on. I've found an amazing job that I could make I ton of money! I also finally found a great church. I've always wanted to go to church, but my beliefs aren't so strict so I didn't want to go to one. Now, I've found a great one that does a ton of volunteer work and even has a eating disorder group! I'm going there on Sunday, so I'll see how it goes. I have a good feeling about this. I have a good feeling about life. It's finally starting to get better. I'm finally starting to be happy.

-Sorry this is so long! I just wanted to share my happiness(:

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

It's happening again..

I think I was doing pretty good for a while. I didn't work out, listened to my hunger cues as best as I could, ate three meals plus one snack a day and didn't exercise. But now, it seems like everything is taking a turn for the worst and I don't know what to do about it.

I can't really remember when or why I took a step backward and started calorie counting again, but It's happened again. I tried the best I could to stop it, but it's happening again. I taped over the calories of all my food so I couldn't know the number and.. it's not working. Sometimes I get so paranoid I peel back the tape and look at it. The only thing I haven't looked at are my meat replacement chik'n nuggets. I'm not sure why, but it doesn't seem to matter very much.

Another thing I have a problem with is snacking. There's not really any snack food in my house, only when I bake. But I guess I get so hungry, I just snack. Like today. I baked today and ate two cupcakes. One at 11 and the other at 1. I guess the ED thought it was too much, so I skipped my afternoon snack and had a somewhat reasonable dinner. Then the ED started up again, and I supposedly decided to go on a walk. Don't get me wrong I love walk, but that wasn't my idea to go for one. It was the ED's. After the walk, I had two servings of grapes and some tea. Then my dad was having another cupcakes, so I decided to have one too. Immediately I started panicking. Crap, how many calories is in this? I'm so dumb I already ate a lot today. I know! The cupcakes I baked were 300 calories each. I'll just add everything up on the calculator.. 1,210?! What?! I thought I ate more! This is what used to go through my head. Now, it's happening again.

One thing I can do, is buy food at the organic store and have my mom tape over it so I don't even have a chance of looking at it. Maybe even double tape it so I can't look at it at all. Then, I have to plan my meals. I used to think that planning meals was an ED behavior, but it actually isn't. It's useful. It helps me from under eating, worrying about calories, and overeating.

Even though I took a step back, I still have to realize my progress.
-I'm eating more than I used to
-I actually enjoy exercise that isn't extremely grueling and exhausting
-My hollister size 0 jeans don't fit anymore, and I didn't get upset. I got over it within a day
-I'm a vegetarian and it was actually MY decision. I enjoy eating meat replacement things. I care about animals a whole lot, and this is my way of showing it.
-I shop organically now. Before, I was scared because I thought the calories were too high, so I stuck to diet food. Now, I could care less! Plus organic farmers treat their animals better, so I don't feel guilty eating their cheese or milk.
-I actually recognize the ED voice
-I.. like eating

I think these strides in my recovery are great. Now I just have to keep going. I have to realize my mistakes, find a solution, and get over them. I will get over this disease. It is not going to win.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Struggles in shopping

Warning: long post, feel free not to read.
Today, for the first time in a long time, I actually went shopping for jeans. And the weird part is, I didn't feel bad about it. Maybe that's because when I went to Express, I guess their jean sizes are messed up because I was still a zero. And it was still somewhat baggy on me. Weird.. I didn't lose weight? I guess I have to remind myself that every store is different but still.. why do i feel a small sense of accomplishment from this?

I'm glad that today was a good day of shopping for me (even though the outfit i bought was expensive) but it usually doesn't go this way. See, i usually have a lot of difficulty finding jeans. My hips are a bigger than my legs so the waist is often tighter than the legs are and it usually makes me feel fat. But I have to realize that, that's just the way I was made. I have to be thankful for the things god gave me instead of trying to get rid of them. Every time I try on jeans and they don't fit quite right I think of ways I can work on my waist and make them even with my legs. But again, I shouldn't do that. This is just the way I was made and I should appreciate what I have.

One thing I've realized is that I hate eating out. Me and my mom went to see a movie today and she got a pretzel.. while i brought mini oranges to a movie theater. Yup. While I see this as a better choice, I also think: am I depriving myself? I didn't eat very well today, so I think so. My lunch, shouldn't of even have been considered a snack it was so small. I should of had a better lunch, but that bring me to another issue of mine.

I.. don't like spending money on food. Whenever my mom goes to the grocery store, i feel bad because I feel like she's spending a ton of money. But why don't I feel this way when we buy clothes? When we buy clothes, I don't feel this way. Maybe because clothes get a lot of use out of them and food you can only eat once, depending on how much of one thing you buy. Anyway, when she buys the food, I almost don't want to eat it because I want to save it and make it last so we don't have to go shopping in a long time. I know this is dumb to think this way because I'm usually not the only one eating them.

Which is why when I got home, I ate whole wheat waffles instead of a proper dinner and a small slice of cheesecake. And then i still somehow felt hungry so i ate a cinnamon bar. I hate the guilt of "eating too much". It really sucks. I felt so guilty I jogged in place and ran back and forth.

I know I shouldn't feel this way because I probably ate a normal amount like other people eat (or less). I just want to overcome this disease. I don't want it to take over my life or other person's lives for that matter. I want this disease to not exist anymore and for that to happen, I have to overcome this disease before I start helping other people.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Video: Eating Disorder Awareness

I just wanted to share a video that I thought was a little different. It's a great video, and I think it really gets the message out that Eating Disorders aren't just some diet that helps you lose weight. This video automatically makes me want to get better. I also made me cry, but that's probably because I know how it feels. It really made me feel dedicated to recovery.