I really wish that I could be free. Free of worry and pressure. Free of fear. Free of writing down what I eat everyday and handing it in to be judged. I know this is good for me but It doesn't feel good. I almost feel trapped. I want to be free to make my own choices. Free to eat whatever I want, workout how ever long I want (not long), and free to make my own choices about my own life. Maybe it's a control issue. I feel in control now. But I don't feel very in control when people tell me what to do. When people tell me to gain weight. To only work out this amount of time and then eat this amount of food.
When I really think about it, I now I'm not recovered yet. I still need to heal my mind. But the thing is, I don't want to gain weight. That's common in anorexia, but I'm not starving myself anymore. I eat healthy and I feel good about it. I've got rid of rules. I eat whenever I want now. If I'm hungry I eat, no matter what time it is. It just seems like my therapist doesn't want to help me get better unless I gain weight. The thing I really hate about seeing her is that what she doesn't tell me some things, she tells my mom. Last session, she decided to see my mom because of the whole doctor issue. She mostly met with my mom on Friday and she said that if I don't gain weight, they won't be able to offer their services anymore. What?! So I'm getting kicked out? How nice. She basically said that it meant they weren't doing their job right, which might be true for my therapist but not my dietitian. It's not very fair. I feel like my therapist doesn't have faith in me. Like she's already almost given up on me. Like if I don't gain weight, I'll be some reject that can never be saved.
They just don't realize I'm happy. I'm never really that hungry anymore. I'm not really obsessive or extreme about anything anymore. Sure, I still have body image issues, but they almost seem to ignore those. The body image issues have gone down, but they're still there. Likes yesterday. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see me. I looked skinny everywhere except my legs. My legs kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It was a little scary. And I really need help with that. At least I didn't let it scare me too much. I ate a normal size dinner, added up the calories and I was a little low so I ate more. Which is great! I'm able to realize that I need to eat more and then I do! I think that a good accomplishment, right?
But one thing I've realized is that being out of shape goes both ways. Skinny and overweight. When I went biking on Saturday, I was huffing and puffing and was really out of breath. I thought I would like it but I hated every minute of it. My ears were cold and now I have a really bruised butt. Yay. But this is a learning experience. I'm learning what I like and renting a bike and riding 5 miles is not one of them. Bike riding by a pretty lake in a circle, maybe. I did eat a very good dinner afterward though. I worked hard and I deserved food.
I'm seeing my dietitian tonight so I'll see if I gained any weight. If so, then I guess that is a good thing. I just don't want her to be disappointed in me if I didn't gain weight. I hate when people are disappointed in me. But I have to get over that. People are going to be disappointed in me but I can't let it affect me.
