I really wish that I could be free. Free of worry and pressure. Free of fear. Free of writing down what I eat everyday and handing it in to be judged. I know this is good for me but It doesn't feel good. I almost feel trapped. I want to be free to make my own choices. Free to eat whatever I want, workout how ever long I want (not long), and free to make my own choices about my own life. Maybe it's a control issue. I feel in control now. But I don't feel very in control when people tell me what to do. When people tell me to gain weight. To only work out this amount of time and then eat this amount of food.
When I really think about it, I now I'm not recovered yet. I still need to heal my mind. But the thing is, I don't want to gain weight. That's common in anorexia, but I'm not starving myself anymore. I eat healthy and I feel good about it. I've got rid of rules. I eat whenever I want now. If I'm hungry I eat, no matter what time it is. It just seems like my therapist doesn't want to help me get better unless I gain weight. The thing I really hate about seeing her is that what she doesn't tell me some things, she tells my mom. Last session, she decided to see my mom because of the whole doctor issue. She mostly met with my mom on Friday and she said that if I don't gain weight, they won't be able to offer their services anymore. What?! So I'm getting kicked out? How nice. She basically said that it meant they weren't doing their job right, which might be true for my therapist but not my dietitian. It's not very fair. I feel like my therapist doesn't have faith in me. Like she's already almost given up on me. Like if I don't gain weight, I'll be some reject that can never be saved.
They just don't realize I'm happy. I'm never really that hungry anymore. I'm not really obsessive or extreme about anything anymore. Sure, I still have body image issues, but they almost seem to ignore those. The body image issues have gone down, but they're still there. Likes yesterday. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see me. I looked skinny everywhere except my legs. My legs kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It was a little scary. And I really need help with that. At least I didn't let it scare me too much. I ate a normal size dinner, added up the calories and I was a little low so I ate more. Which is great! I'm able to realize that I need to eat more and then I do! I think that a good accomplishment, right?
But one thing I've realized is that being out of shape goes both ways. Skinny and overweight. When I went biking on Saturday, I was huffing and puffing and was really out of breath. I thought I would like it but I hated every minute of it. My ears were cold and now I have a really bruised butt. Yay. But this is a learning experience. I'm learning what I like and renting a bike and riding 5 miles is not one of them. Bike riding by a pretty lake in a circle, maybe. I did eat a very good dinner afterward though. I worked hard and I deserved food.
I'm seeing my dietitian tonight so I'll see if I gained any weight. If so, then I guess that is a good thing. I just don't want her to be disappointed in me if I didn't gain weight. I hate when people are disappointed in me. But I have to get over that. People are going to be disappointed in me but I can't let it affect me.
Well, I have faith in you, you can do this, Danielle!
ReplyDeleteThat's right! In other people's eyes it may seem like we haven't made the progress they want, but fighting an ED is a personal thing. You know the little victories, like feeling you deserve dinner after a bike ride. You are strong! Keep it up! One day we'll be free of ED, each day brings us a little closer.
ReplyDelete-Liz =]
Hey Danielle, thanks for your recent support on my blog :)
ReplyDeleteI think its important and great that u can realise and accept your prgoress REGARDLESS of what other people say, dont say, think or do. I thiknk you should mention the issue with your therapist about saying things to you and your mum and not just your mum, because its YOUR recovery,
I know you want to be free and that freedom WILL come-in time, I promise!! You actually not not in control, you are actually in control now, you are controlling an organised and working recovery that includes the aid of ur mum and therapist etc.. but ultimately youre the one who is taking control of your new healthy actions.
I know u say u dont want to gain weight and please, if anything ,listen to this part of my response. People who are recovering, that stop gaining before they reach a healthy weight are 99 percent more likely to relapse eventually. Trust me, it happened to me and soo many other girls I know. It is NOT possible to maintain recvery without being at a healthy weight, it jsut doesnt work out that way. So please, keep aiming for a healthy weight, do you want to stop now and then have to redo all your hard work at some point in the future??
Sorry if I sound rude or anything like that, I just desperately dont want you to stop now and slip back and want u to hear and understand this before its too late and ed makes up its mind that ur not allowed gain anymore or that you "dont need" to gain anymore.
Finally, if you are feeling bigger than you are, remember, big isnt a feeling, big is a thought. I know you are a smart girl and you know you can rationalise this thought, you are not big, logically you know that. I always found that to help me when I "felt big" I didnt feel big, I was thinking big, that I was big, but when I looked at the scale or at my arms etc... I knew I wasnt.
Ok, mini post over, :)
Take care hun,youre doing great.k
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh gosh!!! in the fourth paragraph I meant to say
ReplyDeleteI desperately want to to NOT stop now and to NOT slip back
big error on my part
sorry D!!!!
XXXXX
Hi, I'm a new follower and I just wanted to say hello :).
ReplyDeleteI relate 110 % to what you're saying here. I feel like I've been so so so much better then when I first started, yet people keep going on about my "lack of progress". It's because I haven't been gaining any weight. In a way it's insanely frustrating, because I know gaining weight is necessary, but even though the concept doesn't bother me, I don't like the stress that comes with it. I wish people could also focus on the mental progress and not just the physical side. But it's all part of the process and I guess we can't be considered recovered unless both factors are in the equation - we have a healthy mind and a healthy weight.
By the way good luck with everything. Take care!
You're doing great and you should be really proud of yourself :) keep going. Gaining weight is so scary, but it is healthier.
ReplyDeleteCould you get a new therapist? You have to be able to trust and confide in your therapist, if you can't do that with yours then there's no point in going, you know?
Good luck :)
I am proud of you for recognizing your own progress and commending yourself for it, even if your therapist doesn't realize it. You have come a long way and have A LOT to be proud of!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Olivia on this one- could you get a new therapist? I feel like she could be encouraging you to continue with your recovery in a way that is more supportive and less attacking and unsympathetic. My therapist sometimes tells me things I don't necessarily want to hear, but she does it in a compassionate way and always commends me for my progress. I think your therapist is right that weight gain is part of the process (I know it's hard, though! We've all been there, it's so, so hard), but it's awful that she's saying that you can't see her anymore if you don't gain weight right away. It takes time and you're working hard.
I totally get where you're coming from about not wanting to disappoint your dietician. I try to remember though that my dietician is on my side and is compassionate- if she seems disappointed in me, it's probably just that she us concerned for my well-being- it doesn't mean she is necessarily angry with me. You're absolutely right- it's good to try to not let others' opinions affect you. I'm working on the same thing. We'll get there!!!
Keep up the good work, Danielle! Thank you so much for all of your support on my blog by the way, you are an amazing person! <3