We all get frustrated sometimes, right? Yesterday was that day for me. Some days we just have those days where nothing goes right. I'm not sure why but Wednesday is never a good day for me. Something always seems to go wrong. Everything was going sort of okay until we got to the audition around 7. I thought they just wanted to meet with me and a few other people.. nope. When me and my mom got there, it was like a cattle call. There was a roomful of people there. This is how some open calls go, but not really. Some open calls have only women sometimes, usually it's never both. There were kids, guys, women, parents. But that's not what made me feel weird. They offer classes there and something didn't exactly seem right about paying 10,000 dollars for a 3 year contract and classes. It's sad there are some "agencies" out there like that. It made me kinda sad that a lot of people in this world are getting scammed. We left earlier than everyone else did. I'm glad I did. I could tell they were interested in me, but I've already taken classes. Even though I've never gotten any jobs, I know what I'm doing and my family doesn't have the kind of money to pay 10,000 dollars. Hopefully I can find some agency another time.
After we left, my mom was hungry and wanted to know what I ate that day. I told her and she wanted me to eat more. She kept bugging me about it for about a half hour until she gave up and ordered vegetarian Chinese food. When we got back to the house, I had about a 1/2 cup of fried vegetable rice and 2 fortune cookies. That might not seem like much, but it felt like a lot to me.
When someone has anorexia, they always have an all or nothing attitude. Like say I wanted to work out for an hour. The ED might say something like well if it's not vigorous and it's not for two hours, you might as well not work out at all. Last night, it said well if you already gave in and ate that then you might as well get a medium blizzard or eat a pint of ice cream. So I ate 2/3 of the pint of ice cream and.. felt really guilty. Since my mom is the one who is usually with me when I eat, I asked her to just ask me how I'm feeling sometimes. If she would of done this before the ice cream or after I ate the rice, I would of probably felt better but she didn't know yet. After I asked her this, she immediately pointed out all the things I did wrong when asking for the ice cream and I felt really bad. I got really really mad and frustrated and just wanted to stop eating for 2 days. Or at least restrict. We got really mad at each other for 2 hours and I just sad on the floor crying, disgusted with myself.
We did talk later and she promised to ask me how I'm feeling. When I got mad at her, I felt really alone. Even if I have a helpful doctor, dietitian, and somewhat helpful therapist, I still felt all alone. I felt so completely alone like I did when I was eating barely anything 3 months ago. And I hated the feeling. It made me feel like nothing has changed but it has. I've made good strides.
Next time I'll probably try to watch a funny movie or read a magazine or distract myself instead of thinking up harmful destructive things for myself.
But one thing people have to realize is that forcing me to eat more is not going to help me. Usually I wind up feeling guilty and eat way less the next few days after that and I'm even worse off than before. I have to want to change myself. It seems so hard now but I think If I get busier, I'll want to change. Last year I hung out with friends a lot and was in tennis so I was eating and busy a lot. This year I'm just home alone doing school all day and thinking about the eating disorder. If I have ways to really distract myself from the eating disorder, then I'll be sure to recover. I don't meant that I'll ignore it, but if I'm busy the eating disorder won't be my main concern. I'll have tons of other things on my mind.
I'm sorry if yesterday's post was triggering or negative. And I'm sorry if this one is too. I'm just trying to figure things out. Figure things out, vent, and recover from this illness.
