We all get frustrated sometimes, right? Yesterday was that day for me. Some days we just have those days where nothing goes right. I'm not sure why but Wednesday is never a good day for me. Something always seems to go wrong. Everything was going sort of okay until we got to the audition around 7. I thought they just wanted to meet with me and a few other people.. nope. When me and my mom got there, it was like a cattle call. There was a roomful of people there. This is how some open calls go, but not really. Some open calls have only women sometimes, usually it's never both. There were kids, guys, women, parents. But that's not what made me feel weird. They offer classes there and something didn't exactly seem right about paying 10,000 dollars for a 3 year contract and classes. It's sad there are some "agencies" out there like that. It made me kinda sad that a lot of people in this world are getting scammed. We left earlier than everyone else did. I'm glad I did. I could tell they were interested in me, but I've already taken classes. Even though I've never gotten any jobs, I know what I'm doing and my family doesn't have the kind of money to pay 10,000 dollars. Hopefully I can find some agency another time.
After we left, my mom was hungry and wanted to know what I ate that day. I told her and she wanted me to eat more. She kept bugging me about it for about a half hour until she gave up and ordered vegetarian Chinese food. When we got back to the house, I had about a 1/2 cup of fried vegetable rice and 2 fortune cookies. That might not seem like much, but it felt like a lot to me.
When someone has anorexia, they always have an all or nothing attitude. Like say I wanted to work out for an hour. The ED might say something like well if it's not vigorous and it's not for two hours, you might as well not work out at all. Last night, it said well if you already gave in and ate that then you might as well get a medium blizzard or eat a pint of ice cream. So I ate 2/3 of the pint of ice cream and.. felt really guilty. Since my mom is the one who is usually with me when I eat, I asked her to just ask me how I'm feeling sometimes. If she would of done this before the ice cream or after I ate the rice, I would of probably felt better but she didn't know yet. After I asked her this, she immediately pointed out all the things I did wrong when asking for the ice cream and I felt really bad. I got really really mad and frustrated and just wanted to stop eating for 2 days. Or at least restrict. We got really mad at each other for 2 hours and I just sad on the floor crying, disgusted with myself.
We did talk later and she promised to ask me how I'm feeling. When I got mad at her, I felt really alone. Even if I have a helpful doctor, dietitian, and somewhat helpful therapist, I still felt all alone. I felt so completely alone like I did when I was eating barely anything 3 months ago. And I hated the feeling. It made me feel like nothing has changed but it has. I've made good strides.
Next time I'll probably try to watch a funny movie or read a magazine or distract myself instead of thinking up harmful destructive things for myself.
But one thing people have to realize is that forcing me to eat more is not going to help me. Usually I wind up feeling guilty and eat way less the next few days after that and I'm even worse off than before. I have to want to change myself. It seems so hard now but I think If I get busier, I'll want to change. Last year I hung out with friends a lot and was in tennis so I was eating and busy a lot. This year I'm just home alone doing school all day and thinking about the eating disorder. If I have ways to really distract myself from the eating disorder, then I'll be sure to recover. I don't meant that I'll ignore it, but if I'm busy the eating disorder won't be my main concern. I'll have tons of other things on my mind.
I'm sorry if yesterday's post was triggering or negative. And I'm sorry if this one is too. I'm just trying to figure things out. Figure things out, vent, and recover from this illness.
I totally understand the part about needing to be busy so that the ED fades into the background. I find it easier when I have a lot to do or something to look forward to. I hope you're able to find the right balance in being busy but still having time for yourself and taking care of your health. Remember YOU are important!
ReplyDeleteHope tomorrow is a better day. Take care!
NEVER apologize for your emotions. You are fully entitled to whatever you are feeling at that time and do write it out. WRITE it all out. Do not worry about "offending" others; your emotions needs to be let out, and recognized by you.
ReplyDeleteI agree that staying busy is the best way to cope with ED. When I was out of the job for so long; I felt like I was going crazy and my ED was actually worse than when I was busy.
Hugs. Once again, do not apologize. :)
this is ur blog so u write what u want hun!! i think its important to have other things to focus on and not just the disorder, without forgetting about it tho :) because it needs to be kept in mind, recovery that is. Dnt negate ur strides so far, this is a leaning experience that involve getting up each time u slip or fall, just like mr confuscious says!!
ReplyDeletexxxxxxxxxxx
We all have these frustrating days. I understand what you're saying - my ED tells me the same things in the sense of "all or nothing". You're absolutely right - the change has to come from yourself, no one can make it for you. Keep your head up - you're making progress every day.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
No need to apologize for your last post, Danielle! You feel free to express yourself however you want on your own blog- I know you're a people-pleaser like me, but writing what you want to on your blog without worrying about what others will think is good practice in giving up people-pleasing! :-)
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate to the all-or-nothing feeling, as well as the feeling of loneliness. I'm proud of you for being able to recognize, though, that despite how you're feeling, you HAVE made a TON of progress. It will get easier- I promise. I never thought it would, but for me it has.
I know what you mean about needing to want to change for yourself. It took me until recently to get there. For now, though, until you want to recover for yourself, try to find other motivations. I think becoming more busy would be very helpful!!! That's an awesome idea. Keeping busy helps me, too. I also have a "Reasons for Recovery List" that has helped me stay strong and motivated when I'm struggling to stay healthy.
Keep fighting, Danielle! I know you can do this!!!!! <3