Fear

Like I said before, I have been struggling lately. I've been eating 1,200 calories a day for a long time. Before it was okay, it was enough to keep me full. Now, my stomach has expanded and it wants more food. I was really hungry yesterday so I really didn't eat much of my dinner. When I'm not properly fed or anything, I really crave sweets. So I had 4 cookies with some frosting. I know that's not a good dinner at all, but I really couldn't help it. I tried to eat my dinner, but it just wasn't doing it. Maybe because it was something I didn't like very much. I'm not sure. But yesterday was definitely not a good day for me.

I've been trying to get myself to eat more but it's hard. The ED always jumps in and says sure. if you work out for 45 minutes. Or it says no, just drink some water. Or do you want to become more fat then you already are? Drink some water. You'll be fine. You don't really need food. I know all of these are lies. But it's hard. It's so hard to separate the eating disorder thoughts from my own. But now, I'm going to do it. I have to think long and hard about each decision I make. When I go for a walk I have to think, does the eating disorder want this? Or do I want it? The same thing is for my weight. I want to gain weight. The eating disorder does not want me to gain weight. And the same is for a cookie. But almost different. I have to think, have will I feel after I eat this cookie? Good? Then I will eat it. If not, then I won't eat it.

I realize now that the eating disorder never ever wanted me to gain weight. Even at my lowest weight. It had a fit when I gained 4 pounds in 11 days. But I needed that. I was really underweight. I still am. But the thing is, I don't want people to be afraid of my body. I don't want people to say oh my god. She's so thin. I want them to say wow. she looks great! I used to want the first one. Not anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that a body gotten with anorexia, isn't a body worth keeping at all.

So what now? Hmm.. well first I need to increase my calories. I already came up with different breakfast ideas that contain more calories. They're healthy, but not the healthiest thing in the world. But honestly I don't care anymore. I want to be able to eat a veggie burger without the ED coming in and saying do you know how many calories that is?! Put it down NOW. Don't eat it. You don't want to be fat, do you? I want to be able to eat frozen yogurt and a veggie burger for dinner without any guilt. I want to be able to eat at a restaurant without panicking. I want to be able to be free. Free from this illness and able to live my life the way that I want to.

Imaginary weight gain

I thought I was over it all I really did. But today, I.. screwed myself over again. I went to the church today, but I didn't like it very much. I don't know.. I'm not really sure if I'm much of a church goer. I can never sit still, no matter how hard I try. The sermon was good, different, but I didn't really believe it. It wasn't so black and white like other church sermon's but it didn't really make sense. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

After church, me and my mom went on another walk around this beautiful lake. I love the weather now. It's perfect walking/biking weather. The lake was just so beautiful. There were so many people out too. The only problem was, I didn't eat a proper lunch. I should really plan in advance, but in the back of my head, the ED is saying don't eat. Hold off on it a little longer. No harm will come to it. Uh, yes it will. I'm supposed to stick to my meal plan. The ED makes it nearly impossible. Here's what I ate today:

-1 cup special k cereal, 1 cup light soy milk

-10 0z mango smoothie

-1 small apple

-1 cookie dough ball, 13 grapes

-1 personal pan cheese pizza, 1 cup dairy- free green tea ice cream, 2 tbsp mashed potatoes

Now that I write it down, I guess it doesn't seem like much. But it felt like a lot. I think the reason why I really ate so much later was because again, I didn't have a proper lunch. The body works in weird ways. If I don't eat properly now, I want to eat and eat and eat and eat later. I've been trying to plan, but it's a lot harder when you're out and about without any food.

After I ate the ice cream, I felt really really guilty. I thought I'd gained 5 pounds already. I wanted to not eat for 2 days, or at least restrict a little bit. But after while, I looked in the mirror and saw.. me. 110 1/2 pound me. I need food. I need structure. I need planning. I probably need to put on weight too. I just have to realize, that I won't gain weight by eating 400 extra calories for one day. Especially if I went for a long walk too!

So after a while, I realized that not eating for two days is stupid. I need food to live. To function. To learn and grow. After while I planned out tomorrow's day, and it was normal. I'm not going to restrict anymore. I'm not going to live my life in fear of gaining weight anymore. If I gain, I gain. If I lose, then.. I just need to stop. Anorexia isn't winning. I'm going to win this thing, even if it takes forever.

Detached from myself

I've been feeling so strange lately. I can recognize the feeling too.. It started when I was in 7th grade. It was such a strange feeling. An awful feeling. I almost.. forgot who I was. Yes, it sounds a bit strange but it's true. It's almost like I see myself living, breathing, eating, typing, but it's not me that's doing that. It's someone else. This feeling scares me so much and I'm trying to forget about it, but for some reason it won't go away. It's very brief, but I still don't feel attached to myself. I don't know what it is or what brought it on. It's weird. It's almost like I'm incapable of feeling anything. It's almost like a constant numb feeling. When I don't feel this, I'm happy. When I do.. nothing. It almost makes me want food to occupy my every waking moment again because at least then I didn't have these thoughts.

I did meet with my therapist today though. I've decided to continue seeing her. I think the whole problem was I didn't really express my emotions. I've always been a person to run away from things. I "dropped out" of school and became isolated. This is so similar because I wanted a new therapist. There was nothing wrong with her. She was just saying things that upset me and that I didn't want to hear. So I told her, we worked it out, and at the end it was a good session.

The only things I really have to work on is not developing another disease. She was worried that I'm developing orthorexia, an obsession with eating healthy food that is very similar to anorexia. But I challenged it, had a diet coke, and was fine. I don't have orthorxia. I like sweets. I like pop and other things. I just don't like eating animals or animal byproducts very much. There's a difference between the two.

She also said to be more in tune with my body. Meaning, when if I get hungry after breakfast, eat. Usually I do get hungry after breakfast and I always try to repress it because it's "not time to eat". It's not that my breakfast is too small, I just need to add in another snack. I was really worried about it at first but now it's not such a big deal. It's just a snack. It's not going to kill me.

Anyways, sorry this is such a weird post. I just needed to get it all out. Hopefully I can get over this feeling and move on and never feel it again.

Finally busy

I can't remember the last time I've been busy. I think I was busy last year, but for different reasons. I was in tennis and that kept me a bit busy, but not by much. This year is completely different. I had a meeting with ignite model management today and it went great! I've emailed them photos before, but they weren't professional so they didn't contact me. This time, they contacted me within a week! Their office was impossible to find, but the extra walking and wrong directions were worth it. I think this is meant to be. This agency/management company is really different than the ones I've been to. I keep getting signs that it's meant to be. That I'm meant to be there. Another difference is that this agency is actually known. People have heard of them and in the last fashion show I worked on, their models were actually in the show!

They're going to meet with us again soon to discuss contracts and stuff and I'm so excited. I never used to get excited right away about modeling agencies and stuff but this time I was really excited right away. I feel really good about this. I might even get jobs from here and get to go to Japan, New York, and other amazing places. This is the first time I've been busy the whole day, and it felt great. Now that I'm in online school, I get to do whatever. If my mom is home on Thursday, I can go to the mall in the middle of the day! I'm so open to do pretty much whatever I want. That doesn't mean I still have homework though. I actually have more than before, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it.

After we met with them, we went to my dietitian. My dietitian is great. She understands me completely and she's super nice. My therapist on the other hand, is another story. It's not that my therapist isn't nice, she is but we just don't understand each other. We just don't connect. Last week and the week before that she mentioned inpatient care. What?! I thought I was way past that. I had no idea why she mentioned it and I felt so sad because I felt like she didn't realize my progress. And I also feel like I can't talk to her. There's always dead air between us, and I don't think it's supposed to be that way. I feel bad for talking about her this way, but I just had to get it out. I'm frustrated. I feel like I can't open up to her. I told my dietitian and she said that I just had to tell her. If I don't tell her, than she'll probably just be hurt and angry. I guess I'll just see what happens.. I meet with her tomorrow and I just have to be honest with her that it's not working out.

After that, we went to an all natural foods store. I like grocery shopping, I do, but I feel bad when I get too many things. But I shouldn't feel bad! I'm running out of food and I need food to live. This isn't like before when I ate 500 calories a day so the food lasted forever. I actually eat the food and enjoy. This is the first time I've actually got excited about food! I found a ton of meat replacement items, which was great. I never, ever, used to go directly for the meat but now I do because I like it, it's not actually meat, and it tastes better than meat! I also found a great dairy-free coconut milk yogurt and dairy-free coconut milk ice cream that I was excited about. The ice cream was green tea, so obviously I loved it ;)

I also love the strides I've made. I actually want friends now, but I'm not desperate anymore. I've realized my old friends weren't worth it and I've moved on. I've found an amazing job that I could make I ton of money! I also finally found a great church. I've always wanted to go to church, but my beliefs aren't so strict so I didn't want to go to one. Now, I've found a great one that does a ton of volunteer work and even has a eating disorder group! I'm going there on Sunday, so I'll see how it goes. I have a good feeling about this. I have a good feeling about life. It's finally starting to get better. I'm finally starting to be happy.

-Sorry this is so long! I just wanted to share my happiness(:

It's happening again..

I think I was doing pretty good for a while. I didn't work out, listened to my hunger cues as best as I could, ate three meals plus one snack a day and didn't exercise. But now, it seems like everything is taking a turn for the worst and I don't know what to do about it.

I can't really remember when or why I took a step backward and started calorie counting again, but It's happened again. I tried the best I could to stop it, but it's happening again. I taped over the calories of all my food so I couldn't know the number and.. it's not working. Sometimes I get so paranoid I peel back the tape and look at it. The only thing I haven't looked at are my meat replacement chik'n nuggets. I'm not sure why, but it doesn't seem to matter very much.

Another thing I have a problem with is snacking. There's not really any snack food in my house, only when I bake. But I guess I get so hungry, I just snack. Like today. I baked today and ate two cupcakes. One at 11 and the other at 1. I guess the ED thought it was too much, so I skipped my afternoon snack and had a somewhat reasonable dinner. Then the ED started up again, and I supposedly decided to go on a walk. Don't get me wrong I love walk, but that wasn't my idea to go for one. It was the ED's. After the walk, I had two servings of grapes and some tea. Then my dad was having another cupcakes, so I decided to have one too. Immediately I started panicking. Crap, how many calories is in this? I'm so dumb I already ate a lot today. I know! The cupcakes I baked were 300 calories each. I'll just add everything up on the calculator.. 1,210?! What?! I thought I ate more! This is what used to go through my head. Now, it's happening again.

One thing I can do, is buy food at the organic store and have my mom tape over it so I don't even have a chance of looking at it. Maybe even double tape it so I can't look at it at all. Then, I have to plan my meals. I used to think that planning meals was an ED behavior, but it actually isn't. It's useful. It helps me from under eating, worrying about calories, and overeating.

Even though I took a step back, I still have to realize my progress.

-I'm eating more than I used to

-I actually enjoy exercise that isn't extremely grueling and exhausting

-My hollister size 0 jeans don't fit anymore, and I didn't get upset. I got over it within a day

-I'm a vegetarian and it was actually MY decision. I enjoy eating meat replacement things. I care about animals a whole lot, and this is my way of showing it.

-I shop organically now. Before, I was scared because I thought the calories were too high, so I stuck to diet food. Now, I could care less! Plus organic farmers treat their animals better, so I don't feel guilty eating their cheese or milk.

-I actually recognize the ED voice

-I.. like eating

I think these strides in my recovery are great. Now I just have to keep going. I have to realize my mistakes, find a solution, and get over them. I will get over this disease. It is not going to win.

Struggles in shopping

Warning: long post, feel free not to read.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I actually went shopping for jeans. And the weird part is, I didn't feel bad about it. Maybe that's because when I went to Express, I guess their jean sizes are messed up because I was still a zero. And it was still somewhat baggy on me. Weird.. I didn't lose weight? I guess I have to remind myself that every store is different but still.. why do i feel a small sense of accomplishment from this?

I'm glad that today was a good day of shopping for me (even though the outfit i bought was expensive) but it usually doesn't go this way. See, i usually have a lot of difficulty finding jeans. My hips are a bigger than my legs so the waist is often tighter than the legs are and it usually makes me feel fat. But I have to realize that, that's just the way I was made. I have to be thankful for the things god gave me instead of trying to get rid of them. Every time I try on jeans and they don't fit quite right I think of ways I can work on my waist and make them even with my legs. But again, I shouldn't do that. This is just the way I was made and I should appreciate what I have.

One thing I've realized is that I hate eating out. Me and my mom went to see a movie today and she got a pretzel.. while i brought mini oranges to a movie theater. Yup. While I see this as a better choice, I also think: am I depriving myself? I didn't eat very well today, so I think so. My lunch, shouldn't of even have been considered a snack it was so small. I should of had a better lunch, but that bring me to another issue of mine.

I.. don't like spending money on food. Whenever my mom goes to the grocery store, i feel bad because I feel like she's spending a ton of money. But why don't I feel this way when we buy clothes? When we buy clothes, I don't feel this way. Maybe because clothes get a lot of use out of them and food you can only eat once, depending on how much of one thing you buy. Anyway, when she buys the food, I almost don't want to eat it because I want to save it and make it last so we don't have to go shopping in a long time. I know this is dumb to think this way because I'm usually not the only one eating them.

Which is why when I got home, I ate whole wheat waffles instead of a proper dinner and a small slice of cheesecake. And then i still somehow felt hungry so i ate a cinnamon bar. I hate the guilt of "eating too much". It really sucks. I felt so guilty I jogged in place and ran back and forth.

I know I shouldn't feel this way because I probably ate a normal amount like other people eat (or less). I just want to overcome this disease. I don't want it to take over my life or other person's lives for that matter. I want this disease to not exist anymore and for that to happen, I have to overcome this disease before I start helping other people.

Video: Eating Disorder Awareness

I just wanted to share a video that I thought was a little different. It's a great video, and I think it really gets the message out that Eating Disorders aren't just some diet that helps you lose weight. This video automatically makes me want to get better. I also made me cry, but that's probably because I know how it feels. It really made me feel dedicated to recovery.