Depression

Last night, was probably the worst night ever. I was going to try to blog about it, but I couldn't seem to find the motivation to type anything. Or even eat. For a while, I couldn't even cry. Everything seemed so dark and bleak. All I wanted to do, was move. Somehow, I have it in my head that all my problems will go away if I move. No, they will still be there, but if I move somewhere warmer I will for sure be happier.

I have seasonal depression, so in the winter I get really really sad. Especially now that I'm home alone all day. There's some days I don't even leave the house.

Yesterday I just wanted to scream for someone to understand. My mom never seems to know what to do. I'm not sure why, she's reading a ton of articles and ED books. But last night, she didn't even notice that I had almost skipped dinner. Her best friends cat just died, so I guess her mind was on that a lot..

I don't mean to demand a lot of attention, I just want someone to care. To understand. To say, I know exactly how you feel.

I did end up eating dinner later, but it was pretty small and mainly centered around fruits and vegetables. I'm just so tired of all of this. I really want to move, I want to work out, to be able to eat more. I figure, weight gain will be a little easier if I don't notice it. Like If I'm doing tennis inside a lot, doing things I love, being happy. If I'm just sitting on my butt all the time, and eating more, I don't know what I'll do. I won't let that happen though. I don't know, I'll have to talk to my therapist when I meet her for the first time next week.

I'm just also tired of not being able to get to sleep. I try, and try but somehow I never get tired. I end up going to the kitchen, looking around, grabbing a glass of water and an applesauce and going to bed.

Sorry this post was totally pointless, I just had to get it alll out, and vent. I hope I dig myself out of this hole soon, because it's really getting bad. I hope God will guide me out of this mess. I just have to let him.

Stop trying to please others, and start trying to please yourself.

I've been feeling really hopeless lately. Yesterday and the day before, I've really struggled. I talked with my mom, and she said that she would turn off her phone and leave it in the car before we went into the clinic. So at least that problem was solved.

It was only later that day, that it got really difficult. It was around dinner time, but I didn't want to eat. I felt like I had had too much earlier so when my mom asked me what I wanted, I struggled to answer, and said nothing. I wasn't really in the mood to eat. So of course, she did not listen and made me dinner.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I don't like other people making me food. It's almost like.. I don't trust them? (does anyone else have this problem?) I don't know why. I like making food for other people, but I hate when people make food for me. Sometimes they say that they're returning the favor, but I don't really see it as a nice gesture, I feel bad that food might go to waste.

Anyway, my mom made the food and called me to the table. I had no appetite. It was completely gone. I had absolutely no desire to eat. At all. So I did the ED trick, pushed it around the plate, messed around with it, took very very slow very small bites, drank the water first, but I guess luckily I was not fooling anyone. My parents got really really mad at me, and I hate when people are mad at me. It really stressed me out, so I got a really bad stomach ache. But my parents wouldn't believe me. They thought I was faking it and kept telling me to eat. Then, they began taking things away from me. Like my cell phone, Internet (which I really need to do school!), car rides, even occasionally hanging out with friends.

Eventually they got fed up and left me alone upstairs by myself. I didn't know what to do. My people pleasing attitude told me to just eat it, the ED told me to hide the food, but I didn't listen to either of them.

I ended up convincing my mom to read some ED articles on the NEDA website and now she's starting to read some ED parent books. So I guess it's a start.

I did eat something later though. The rest of the cake batter ice cream (yum!) but my mom of course, had to comment on that:"Do you really think that's a proper dinner?" "why don't you eat ____?" Me: "Well, I just don't feel like eating anything right now. Can't you just be happy that I'm at least trying?". So she just left me alone again.

Each time something like this happens, it makes me want to go away. Go away to a place where people understand me. Like an inpatient clinic in Texas, or California. I know I'm not that bad so I probably couldn't go there, but I want to. I'm so tired of people telling me to eat and if I do eat, they criticize me for what I'm eating. I can't help it/: I'm a sweets person. I like sweets. The ED says I should limit my sweet intake, but I don't listen to it. I like sweets and I am going to enjoy them. Even if I just have sweets for breakfast and then try to have proper meals later, I am still going to have them.

I will try harder this week. Hopefully I can just silence the voices around me (and the voice in my head) and just eat. Even if it's eating alone, at least I'm trying.

A New Start

Today, I went to the clinic for the first time. I was actually kind of scared at first, but the closer I got to going there, I didn't really feel scared at all. What's there to be scared about? I'm not going into inpatient and someone isn't going to shove food down my throat.

The assessment actually went really well! I had my blood work done in another building and then went to the eating disorder building. It's so nice in there! Everything is so clean. There's four levels of care, so I may not even see the inpatient people.

After we got there, me and my mom just did some paperwork, and then I answered a huge survey and had blood pressure, height, weight, and all that done. Then I talked to the doctor or assessment person, and told her what I wanted, what I need help with, and what I'm scared of.

At the end, my mom came in and we all talked and the doctor changed the diagnosis. She says I have EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified) because I now get my period every other month and I'm doing so much better than when I first went in to the other clinic. But, that diagnosis somehow makes me mad. But why does it matter? Why do I want anorexia? I don't. I used to see EDNOS as people who couldn't starve themselves good enough (this was very much Ed's idea as I write it. It sounds stupid and insane.)

So when I left the place, I almost didn't feel good enough for anorexia. But now that I think about it, who cares what I have! I still have an eating disorder and I need help for it. It doesn't matter which one it is, I just need help to recover from it.

But all in all, I like the new clinic. Sure, it's an hour away and I'm probably going to be there for 3 hours a week but I really like it. And the best part is, they don't just randomly throw a therapist, dietitian, and physician at me. They see who works best with me.

After the assessment was over, I went to eat lunch at the cafeteria and saw that my mom, was on her phone. Again. Every time we're at some kind of important eating disorder appointment or modeling thing, she's always on her phone. It really makes me mad because it seems like I'm not important. Like she cares about talking to other people and work more than me.

I also got really mad because I needed her at that moment. I was so worried about calories at the Cafeteria and I had no idea what to get because I didn't know the amount, so I usually have her there for support. I was so tempted to just not get anything because she was making me so mad. But in the end, I got a chocolate pudding parfait (which I ate half of) and a snack meal thingy. (hard boiled egg, grapes, fruit dip, and a lemon poppy seed muffin which I ate half of because it was really hard and gross).

But, my mom had to make me mad again, and said that the lunch I was eating was not good enough (she didn't say that exactly, but it sounded very similar) and that I should get pizza. We argued, I was tempted to work out and not eat because I lost my appetite but I ate it. And you know what? I was actually full! I was so proud of myself. It wasn't a uncomfortable fullness or a half fullness, I was full and I didn't drink any water with my meal either.

So despite what happened, I still felt pride from feeling full. And I think that's something I need to do every day.

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These are my new boots/slippers. They're so comfy! This isn't the best picture but oh well. I really like them.


Cake Batter Ice cream, yummy. I had this yesterday for lunch because I was feeling sick. I forgot how good it was, it tastes so good! Almost better than real cake batter.


Has anyone ever tried these before? They're pretty amazing. I haven't had them in a while (still haven't opened them, salt is not good on a sore throat) but I can't wait to have them again! This is probably the only microwavable thing I really like. It tastes almost like restaurant fries.


This was the cutest movie ever! I'm so glad I watched it. It's so funny too. And Jimmy Fallon is in it!


Have a great night everyone!

Thanksgiving Frustrations

I think Thanksgiving, is hard for a lot of people. Mainly people with eating disorders. This year, it really wasn't as hard as before, but it was still very difficult.

Me and my dad starting cooking at around noon, so the food didn't really get done until four. I had a chocolate vita muffin in the morning and then half a naked juice smoothie and then ate little tiny bites of things here and there.

But when it was actually time to eat, I didn't really want to. Sure, I only made four things but still, it's a lot for me. I mainly rely on frozen meals like morning star or Amy's that have the calories posted on the back. I didn't know the calorie content of these at all, which really scared me. But, I ate it. I had; 1 slice vegan lasagna which was totally amazing, 1 piece cornbread, 1 slice vegan red velvet cake, and 2 bites sweet potatoes. Then my mom brought back pies later, so I had two more bites of red velvet cake, a slice of pumpkin cheesecake, and a slice of pudding pie that I had made the day before.

I wasn't really feeling guilty up until my mom got home with the pies. But, I wanted to eat them today because the ED has a certain, rule. When you "binge" it has to be one day. You have to get it all over with in one day. No extra binges tomorrow or you will be a fat pig. Sad, isn't it? I didn't binge. Sure, I ate more sweets but that's just how I am. I like sweet things. They're really good, which is why I never really cook that much. But, I'm going to start. I made the vegan lasagna and it was really good! I can't wait to make other vegetarian/vegan meals.

So, I guess it was a good Thanksgiving. The guilt was the worst part, but I got through it. I ate less today, but I might eat more tomorrow.

But, I did figure out one thing. I have to actually give people a chance. Z and I have been friends for a long time, but we've only really hung out in school. And not very much either. So on Monday, she invited me to go shopping on black Friday. I was skeptical at first, but I decided to go. And I had a lot of fun! I was a little dizzy from not eating much, but I had a smoothie and was a little better. Next time I'll eat a good lunch so I'm.. fully "there". Like, I almost wasn't there. You know? I was dizzy, so it was hard to focus on things.

Another reason why anorexia isn't worth it. I can't wait for the new clinic on Monday. I really need them!

Until then, I'll just have to try to cope. I'm just glad I'm busy this weekend so I don't think about food too much and sit in my room being miserable. Today I was busy all day shopping with Z, and tomorrow, Me and my mom are going to get my little cousin in Wisconsin. She's so cute! She doesn't really have any good girl role models (her parents are divorced & her dads fiance is mean and drinks a lot) so we try to hang out with her a lot. We're going to Trader Joe's, going back to my house & decorating gingerbread houses, then seeing a movie and bringing her home. I'm excited! It's going to be fun(:

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving!

Video: What Real Beauty is

I thought this was the cutest video ever. I almost started crying when I was watching it. I love the message. Because Beauty is not how skinny you can be. Real Beauty, comes from the inside.





"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord Looks at the heart."
Samuel 16:7

Choices

Each choice we make affects our lives. I've been thinking about Thanksgiving lately, and I've decided not to go. Well.. okay my mom helped me decide that. When I really think about it, it hurts me rather than helps me. There's really no reason for me to go. It's always on my mom's side of the family, and I don't connect with anyone on that side. I used to have cousins to hang out with, but we don't really talk much anymore. The age gap is too far. They're 3-5 years younger than me.

So, what's happened the past few years is, I feel so alone whenever I go to my mom's side of the family. My mom talks and laughs with the aunts, my dad.. I think he eats or something, and I don't know what to do. I usually pace upstairs by myself, text people, eat m&m's, trail mix, and pop, play with the dogs, and feel sad. One of my aunt's always teases me about guys. And it makes me feel awful.

The truth is, I haven't really ever had a boyfriend. Yeah, I've had my heart broken and come very close to having one, but nope, I haven't. That doesn't bother me very much, until I come around her. She makes me feel so awful (without realizing it) and I feel like such a loser for not having a boyfriend.

There's not really much to eat there for me either. I've never really liked any meat (besides chicken when it's breaded which can easily be replaced by morning star chik'n) so my plate usually consists of: 2-3 rolls with butter, some jello thing, and mashed potatoes. Then I usually eat 2 pieces of pie. And maybe another roll.

So, nothing good comes out of it. I don't mean to be all negative, but I don't want to go if I'm just going to hurt my heart. As in, not eat anything the day after thanksgiving. Lately when I eat less, It's been hard to breathe. It's been hard to move, all my energy gets drained out of me and it's even hard to type! Luckily I had a good dinner tonight.

So, my mom is going to Thanksgiving at my uncle's house and my dad is staying home with me. I'm going to bake 2 desserts for them and my dad is going to bake 2 desserts for them. My mom is gonna bring them over and me and my dad are gonna have a vegetarian/vegan thanksgiving. That way, I can still challenge myself without feeling overly guilty, alone, and sad.

But, one problem is that I don't know what to tell my mom's side of the family. I can't tell them I'm sick, I'm making desserts for them. I've considered telling them I have a broken leg or something like that, but I'm going shopping on Black Friday with a friend and they might see me. What do you guys think I should tell them? I can't tell them the truth. It would just be too hard. I know they already suspect it, but telling them would just make everything weird.

Okay this post is getting way too long. But hopefully everything will work out. I'm counting down the days to go to the new clinic. I really need help. But everything is going to be okay(: I'll have a good & healthy thanksgiving and finallyy go shopping on black Friday the next day. I'll meet with the new clinic and get the extra help I need. I'm going to be okay.

Getting out of relapse

Sorry I haven't posted in the last few days! I've had so much on my mind.

Unfortunately, I've decided not to be friends with J again. I thought she had matured and grown, but I was wrong. She's blown me off and forgot about me three times. Oh well, there are better people out there.

I've also restricted food for the past 2 weeks. I'm doing much better yesterday and today, but I've skipped lunch for the past 2 weeks.

Why? Stress. Friends just keep blowing me off again and again. But, they're not friends! And they're not worth my tears. I want nice, caring people in my life. People that, will come over to my house at 3am if I'm having a horrible day, people that won't blow me off, people that care about me and about God. People that don't only care about themselves.

The ED has also been telling me to "prepare" for Thanksgiving. As in, restrict 200 cals or 400 cals below my usual amount. And attempt to exercise too. Has anyone else been dealing with this? Maybe it's just me. But, yesterday and today I really realized that restricting food isn't worth it.

Yesterday I was trying to go my science homework, when I started getting dizzy. I couldn't focus on anything at all. All I could think about was food. I started getting really irritated and angry too. I did eat dinner an hour after that, but I'm glad it gave me another reason why anorexia isn't worth it.

But the weird thing is, today is completely different. I ate a good breakfast and went into the car to go to church. 2o minutes after eating, I began feeling really weak. I felt really sluggish and couldn't keep my eyes open at all. It wasn't the food, I'd just eaten. It wasn't sleep because I'd gotten 8 1/2 hours of sleep too. Then what was it? I'm feeling really tired now after eating a good lunch. The really weird part is, 2 hours after eating, I feel fine. Ed tells me to skip dinner but I might try to have it. I don't know. I had lunch an hour ago.

So, life has not gone very well for me lately. Because I was feeling icky earlier, I had to tell my friend Z, who I was going shopping with later, that I couldn't hang out. At the last minute. I felt sooo bad. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that to people but I just did. Yeah, I did it differently than other people did, but I still feel bad. Really bad. I feel like a really bad person.

I realize now that I just didn't want to hang out with her. Conversation is always forced, and it always seems like she wants to hang out with other people instead of me. I feel bad about canceling at the last minute, but for once I don't feel bad the friendship didn't work out.

Friends should just be able to click right from the start. It shouldn't be forced. And if it is, then it isn't meant to be.

Anyway, even though I've been struggling lately, I'm going to try to overcome it. I have an appointment with the new clinic on the 29th. Ed is not winning. I'm going to win this fight.