Shopping with Ed

Today, I decided to go shopping. I needed to get out of the house, and I also needed to buy bigger clothes. I was really excited about shopping.. until Ed decided to make a surprise visit.

I didn't feel like wearing jeans today, so I just wear some leggings with a long sweater, a tank top, and black flats. But when I got to the mall, I felt reallyy insecure. Everyone seemed so much more stylish than me, so much more thinner and prettier than me. And Ed just kept making it worse. He kept whispering in my ear- look, she's sooo much thinner than you. And prettier. I bet she's not in recovery. You shouldn't be either. Remember how fun it used to be when you would under eat and go shopping? Me: yeah? Well now you totally ruined the fun because you already ate what you normally would in one day. Me:Well, so? Shopping can still be fun.. No it won't and you know it. Don't eat dinner tonight. And skip that latte you were going to get Starbucks too. You're getting too fat and your legs are looking fatter than usual.

So, Ed was being a pain in the butt today. I didn't buy anything shopping and came back home pretty sad and frustrated. My mom tried to make me feel better by telling me no, my legs were definitely not fat and I was probably one of the thinnest girls at the mall. I told her that was a total lie, and we didn't talk the rest of the way home.

I'm not sure what to do now. I wish that I could work out, like work out some frustrations. I loved when me and my mom had a gym membership. I would meet up with friends, work out, then we would go swimming or go in the hot tub. It was fun, I really liked going to the gym. It wasn't really a place of torture, it was really fun and I always loved going there. But now whenever I bring up a gym membership, my mom says no working out until I'm healthy. Which is NOT going to happen. I can't really watch a movie or knit or something. The only thing that seems to cheer me up is my dog.

My dog is pretty amazing. I love her to death, she always knows when I'm upset. Like whenever I'm trying to work out when I'm not supposed to, I take a break and she holds me down and sits by me. Or if I'm trying to do sit ups in my room, she hides under my bed and whenever I go down or take a break, she licks me and tries to make me laugh. She's smarter than a lot of people think, and I'm glad to have her in my life. Hopefully she'll cheer me up tonight.

So, I guess I might try to have dinner, but I'm not sure. All I want to do is play with my dog, then watch desperate housewives with a bowl of frozen yogurt.

So Ed, there will be a time where you will not make me feel worthless and bad about myself everyday. I'm going to win this thing, and one day you will be out of my life forever.

I will never be fat

The ED has told me many lies, but the biggest one was that I'm going to be fat or I was fat a few years ago. That is a complete lie. I was downstairs yesterday watching TV when a slide show popped up on my mom's computer. It was from about 3 years ago and it was when we went on vacation to Florida. As I looked at the pictures, I realized something. I was never fat. At all. I don't gain weight in one area, I just gain it all over. The picture made me realize what a lier Ed was. It was kinda sad. I've had this fear of getting fat for months and months, but that's never going to happen.

Even if I do start eating when I want again (which I am. but sometimes someone else influences that) I will never become fat. Even if I never work out, I will not be fat. I will always be small and it's time that I start realizing that. Yes my weight will go up and I won't be bony and anorexic anymore, but I'll never be fat. It's not in my genes, and it's just not possible. So Ed, you can shove your lies up your butt and leave me alone. I don't want you in my life anymore, nor do I need you.

But, one problem that I'm dealing with is other people. J, like I mentioned before, is like me. She's very tall (taller than me) and very very skinny. I'm just afraid when I start gaining weight, she's going to stay the same and I won't feel good around her. Or is that another lie, Ed? What should I do? I want to help her, but I have to help myself first. I know she's struggling because she doesn't eat much of a breakfast or lunch but I'm not sure what to do. She never makes it clear that she is struggling, but I can see that she is.

Hopefully, I'll get everything sorted out soon. I'm going shopping soon for backup clothes or bigger clothes in the next size up, I'm hopefully going to start working out soon and I might even start cooking more. I'm so glad that I have this new freedom with cooking/baking too. Before, I was a huge calorie counter and counted every single thing that entered my mouth. Now, I could really care less. Yes, I do have a number in my head that I'm striving towards, but I'm trying to forget about numbers all together.

So Ed, I'm strong and I will beat you. You'll see. I won't have an eating disorder for long.

Day by Day

Yesterday, was a really hard day for me. I got up, ate breakfast with my mom at 9 and then at 11:30 I started getting hungry. So I put a Amy's Vegan Wrap in the oven and took a shower. After I got out, I had to figure out what to eat with the wrap.

I started panicking. I had no idea what to eat with the wrap. So I got out 4 strawberries. No big deal. Then I ate a handful of white chocolate chips and two spoonfuls of ice cream. Still, no big deal right? I went downstairs to eat, then came back upstairs and hour later and realized I wanted a cliff bar. I panicked for about a half hour, deciding to eat that cliff bar. So I ate it, with another handful of white chocolate chips.

Then, things took a turn for the worst. I began adding up the calories and I was already in the triple digits. Something I usually don't get to until the end of the day. I started pacing back and forth, then walking across one side of my house to the other. Then I turning on the radio and started running. Then a little boxing.

It wasn't a long time, only 22 minutes and I took breaks in between each one but I shouldn't have been working out at all! I started drinking a ton of liquids after that, to almost wash everything out and decided not to eat dinner.

Well 6:00 rolls around, and my parents start making dinner. I get so afraid and try to think of every possible excuse not to eat. Push the food around the plate, drink water first, etc. But when I got to the table, I was surprised that I wanted to eat. I was really hungry. So I ate a good dinner, then a pudding snack. And I was actually proud of myself. I was really full, and it was okay. I didn't feel fat.

So, I've decided to come up with a new plan for myself. No more triple digit calories a day. Nope. I'm gonna eat what a normal person my age would eat. (okay, maybe a little less. Depends on the person I guess). I'm going to work hard at recovery. I'm going to buy bigger clothes, and be scared at first, but I'll get used to it.

I actually really like this new food freedom. I can almost eat whatever I want. It feels so freeing. Yeah, I'll still do the workouts today but to be honest it gives me a lot less anxiety about eating. I'm not going to work out to certain extremes, I'll just do a small amount. Just an amount that isn't too high and one that relieves my anxiety about calories.

I will recover from this. But, I will not be trying to undereat again. Nope. That is not possible in recovery. I will work out, but like I said, only small amounts. I actually like working out. It feels good. I want my fit body back, not a bony one. I don't want people to look at me and question if I have anorexia. I want to be a good example for other girls. I don't want to have an eating disorder anymore. Hopefully, I will be free one day.

You are NOT your eating disorder

Today, I went to the clinic and met with my doctor, therapist, and dietitian for the first time. At first, it was the scariest thing ever. The dietitian explained to me that they will be using The Maudsley Approach. Basically, my parents (mainly my mom because my dad is just.. blah) would be in charge of all of my meals. They would eat with me, and they would make my food for me, until I got to stage two of the program, then the control would be handed back to me. NOT my eating disorder. If I would to lose any weight when they handed the control to me, the control would once again go back to my parents.

First, I was terrified. I wanted to throw up multiple times and become bulimic. That way, they would never know. I would still remain skinny. Was this my idea? No, now I realize this was definitely not my idea. I hate throwing up. It scares me to death. But handing the control over to my mom would be even scarier, honestly I trust my eating disorder more. Because I'm afraid of being "fat" like I was on the family cruise all those months ago. I'm afraid of being completely disgusted with myself. I would probably be like the girl I saw today.

I saw a girl at the clinic that made me very sad today. She was very thin, you could tell she had an eating disorder. My family walked into the main room on the first floor, and we saw her. She was exercising. No one except us payed any attention to her. She would jog a tiny bit, all hunched over. Her eyes looked lost and confused. She would jog all hunched over across the lobby, going around things so she could burn more calories. She made me very very sad. She made me want to cry. She made me want to go up to her and say- Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Probably not, I'm a random stranger, but I didn't do that.

When we were about to go up the elevator to our appointment, she was gone. About three hours later, we went down and she was back. I was so worried about her, because I knew how it felt. I didn't know what to do, no one seemed to notice except me and my mom. So we told the receptionist lady at the assessment area and she knew who she was. As we were leaving, we saw the lady look for the girl and I don't know what happened after that. I still worry about her now, because I know how frustrating it is. To be so consumed, to feel like a complete failure and that you have to burn calories. Tapping the foot, light jogging, anything to burn calories. I hope she gets the help she needs, I will be praying for her.

Ok anyway, the appointment went overall okay. I was happy with my "team" because everyone was so nice, yet so forceful and it seemed like they knew the eating disorder very well. It may be hard to hand the control over to my mom, but I'm willing to do it if it will cure me so I can run again. So I can live.To be free.

What we're going to do is, my mom will go grocery shopping for me. She will eat with me at every meal. Except lunch, that's where we're stumped. I have a webcam, and she's thinking about getting one so we can skype. And eat lunch together. I really like that idea, eating lunch over skype(: I like the idea of recovering, being fit and healthy instead of miserable, hungry, and super skinny. I want people to look at me and say- Wow, she's beautiful. Or, she's really fit and healthy or something. Vs: -She's skinny and beautiful. I wonder if she's anorexic. I bet she is.

That reminds me, yesterday I got asked another question on my formspring about myself. It went something like this:

Anonymous person: are you anorexic or naturally skinny

me: Why does it matter?

Anonymous person: oh and you don't have to answer you're just really pretty and skinny

me: Well thanks(: But someone doesn't have to be skinny to be pretty.

After that I think they said something like: I know, I just mean you have the whole package.

That made me also very sad/: Skinny is not beautiful. I have a disease. A disease that makes me depressed, unable to go out to eat, sometimes even not hang out with friends, a disease that makes me unable to go to sleep at a normal time at night. A disease that has controlled me for almost 2 years. A disease that I want to overcome.

I can't tell everyone now that I have an eating disorder. No. I will write a book later in life, when I'm recovered. I'll tell all the aspects of recovery and how you can get help. I'll raise awareness about the disease and hopefully bring hope to people's lives. Hopefully one day I can reduce the number of people in the world that have eating disorders. Because one day, I will be one more person that has completely recovered. One day, I will be one more person that is free.

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Omg, this post is so long. I'll get to the pictures now(: Thanks so much if you read every word, you're amazing!

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I made this on Sunday. Let me just say, this is one of the best things I've ever made. No guilt cheesecake! I love it(:

Chik'n nuggets(: These are the best thing to real chicken nuggets. I love this brand. They have amazing "chik'n" stuff.



I LOVED this idea(: One serving broccoli and cheese! They also have corn. I really liked this because I didn't have to measure it out.



This is a really good book. If you haven't read any of her other books, you should! They're all pretty good. I had to fight to put it down. I would have been reading for hours and been done with it if I hadn't of put it down(:




^^^^^YES(:

Then just a feel good video(: I love this song.

Have a great night everyone! <3

Skinny is a compliment?

This weekend, was probably the best in a long time. I hung out with J and C (I know I said I wouldn't hang out with them.. but I'm being careful) and we had a lot of fun! J only stayed over at my house for 3 hours because of babysitting but she texted me after she left and said that she had a lot of fun and she wanted to hang out again soon.

I was a little worried about just me and C hanging out by ourselves because we didn't have much fun in the past just by ourselves but I was surprised because we had a lot of fun too! We went to the mall and didn't buy anything, but we had a lot of fun just walking around and acting crazy in the mattress store.

I was worried that I would eat more when I was with them, but then I thought I don't even care if I eat more when I'm with friends! I don't want to be weak, tired, ready to faint, etc. I ate more on Saturday and I was okay with it. I had a really good dinner, but I think I might of ate too much too fast because I didn't feel good for a while after that. Maybe next time I'll just have to eat a little less or not eat everything in one sitting.

This weekend was fun, but one thing that confused me was that being skinny was considered a compliment. I don't really see how it is. I was complimented on how I was really skinny on my formspring last night and a lot in the past too. But how is skinny better than any other body type? We're all different, and that's whats makes us special. If every person was really skinny, I think the world would even be a little boring.

For me, I would rather be complimented on my personality. It seems like the world only focuses on the outward appearance, but I look at the heart. Hopefully, the world will change one day.

Depression

Last night, was probably the worst night ever. I was going to try to blog about it, but I couldn't seem to find the motivation to type anything. Or even eat. For a while, I couldn't even cry. Everything seemed so dark and bleak. All I wanted to do, was move. Somehow, I have it in my head that all my problems will go away if I move. No, they will still be there, but if I move somewhere warmer I will for sure be happier.

I have seasonal depression, so in the winter I get really really sad. Especially now that I'm home alone all day. There's some days I don't even leave the house.

Yesterday I just wanted to scream for someone to understand. My mom never seems to know what to do. I'm not sure why, she's reading a ton of articles and ED books. But last night, she didn't even notice that I had almost skipped dinner. Her best friends cat just died, so I guess her mind was on that a lot..

I don't mean to demand a lot of attention, I just want someone to care. To understand. To say, I know exactly how you feel.

I did end up eating dinner later, but it was pretty small and mainly centered around fruits and vegetables. I'm just so tired of all of this. I really want to move, I want to work out, to be able to eat more. I figure, weight gain will be a little easier if I don't notice it. Like If I'm doing tennis inside a lot, doing things I love, being happy. If I'm just sitting on my butt all the time, and eating more, I don't know what I'll do. I won't let that happen though. I don't know, I'll have to talk to my therapist when I meet her for the first time next week.

I'm just also tired of not being able to get to sleep. I try, and try but somehow I never get tired. I end up going to the kitchen, looking around, grabbing a glass of water and an applesauce and going to bed.

Sorry this post was totally pointless, I just had to get it alll out, and vent. I hope I dig myself out of this hole soon, because it's really getting bad. I hope God will guide me out of this mess. I just have to let him.

Stop trying to please others, and start trying to please yourself.

I've been feeling really hopeless lately. Yesterday and the day before, I've really struggled. I talked with my mom, and she said that she would turn off her phone and leave it in the car before we went into the clinic. So at least that problem was solved.

It was only later that day, that it got really difficult. It was around dinner time, but I didn't want to eat. I felt like I had had too much earlier so when my mom asked me what I wanted, I struggled to answer, and said nothing. I wasn't really in the mood to eat. So of course, she did not listen and made me dinner.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I don't like other people making me food. It's almost like.. I don't trust them? (does anyone else have this problem?) I don't know why. I like making food for other people, but I hate when people make food for me. Sometimes they say that they're returning the favor, but I don't really see it as a nice gesture, I feel bad that food might go to waste.

Anyway, my mom made the food and called me to the table. I had no appetite. It was completely gone. I had absolutely no desire to eat. At all. So I did the ED trick, pushed it around the plate, messed around with it, took very very slow very small bites, drank the water first, but I guess luckily I was not fooling anyone. My parents got really really mad at me, and I hate when people are mad at me. It really stressed me out, so I got a really bad stomach ache. But my parents wouldn't believe me. They thought I was faking it and kept telling me to eat. Then, they began taking things away from me. Like my cell phone, Internet (which I really need to do school!), car rides, even occasionally hanging out with friends.

Eventually they got fed up and left me alone upstairs by myself. I didn't know what to do. My people pleasing attitude told me to just eat it, the ED told me to hide the food, but I didn't listen to either of them.

I ended up convincing my mom to read some ED articles on the NEDA website and now she's starting to read some ED parent books. So I guess it's a start.

I did eat something later though. The rest of the cake batter ice cream (yum!) but my mom of course, had to comment on that:"Do you really think that's a proper dinner?" "why don't you eat ____?" Me: "Well, I just don't feel like eating anything right now. Can't you just be happy that I'm at least trying?". So she just left me alone again.

Each time something like this happens, it makes me want to go away. Go away to a place where people understand me. Like an inpatient clinic in Texas, or California. I know I'm not that bad so I probably couldn't go there, but I want to. I'm so tired of people telling me to eat and if I do eat, they criticize me for what I'm eating. I can't help it/: I'm a sweets person. I like sweets. The ED says I should limit my sweet intake, but I don't listen to it. I like sweets and I am going to enjoy them. Even if I just have sweets for breakfast and then try to have proper meals later, I am still going to have them.

I will try harder this week. Hopefully I can just silence the voices around me (and the voice in my head) and just eat. Even if it's eating alone, at least I'm trying.