Change

I used to really hate change. Every time I got a new schedule for a new semester of school I would groan because I didn't know anyone and I liked the way it was. Not anymore. I'm tired of sitting around wallowing in my own stupid misery and depression. I want to do something about it! I want to be busy and happy. I want to stop feeling insecure when I see someone with more confidence and better clothes than me.

Today, I did something about it. I went to another new church. It was okay, better than last time, but it was huge!! There was so many people. Probably too much for me but the good thing is, they have other smaller churches exactly like the one I went to today. And closer to where I live too! This one was 45 minutes away. Worth the drive though!

I think that I like change, but I'm sort of afraid of it. Or I used to be. I'm so tired of living in an unhappy bubble. I want to have friends and laugh and to actually enjoy life. Today somehow changed that. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was actually busy. I went to church at 11, ate, visited my grandma, went shoe shopping(:, did some unit exams for school, and watched desperate housewives. It may not be how I usually or used to spend the day, but I liked it. I wasn't alone or sad at all today. I was happy.

Feeling busy is, I guess a way for me feeling happy. Whether it's shopping, coming home late, or a modeling thing, I feel great after doing so.

Now that I've tackled getting out of the house, I have to start doing other things too. I can't keep pouting that modeling isn't taking off, I have to do something about it!

My mom actually has a friend in the modeling business. Okay.. not friend but old childhood neighbor. But still, it's a start! My mom's friend has her own agency or something so we're going to mail them photos. It may take a while to get there, but it's worth it. The wait is worth it if something good comes out of it.

I've actually put more thought into going to a public/private school. Before I was so apposed to it. Now, I guess I'm warming up. I can't really meet people if I'm sitting on my butt on the computer right? Okay.. I kinda can but you know what I mean.

So all in all, I like change(: I've been even thinking about changing my room. I really like these rooms.







I would put quotes on the walls and maybe some black and white/in color pictures too. I can't wait for everything to change(:

Imaginary weight gain

I thought I was over it all I really did. But today, I.. screwed myself over again. I went to the church today, but I didn't like it very much. I don't know.. I'm not really sure if I'm much of a church goer. I can never sit still, no matter how hard I try. The sermon was good, different, but I didn't really believe it. It wasn't so black and white like other church sermon's but it didn't really make sense. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

After church, me and my mom went on another walk around this beautiful lake. I love the weather now. It's perfect walking/biking weather. The lake was just so beautiful. There were so many people out too. The only problem was, I didn't eat a proper lunch. I should really plan in advance, but in the back of my head, the ED is saying don't eat. Hold off on it a little longer. No harm will come to it. Uh, yes it will. I'm supposed to stick to my meal plan. The ED makes it nearly impossible. Here's what I ate today:

-1 cup special k cereal, 1 cup light soy milk

-10 0z mango smoothie

-1 small apple

-1 cookie dough ball, 13 grapes

-1 personal pan cheese pizza, 1 cup dairy- free green tea ice cream, 2 tbsp mashed potatoes

Now that I write it down, I guess it doesn't seem like much. But it felt like a lot. I think the reason why I really ate so much later was because again, I didn't have a proper lunch. The body works in weird ways. If I don't eat properly now, I want to eat and eat and eat and eat later. I've been trying to plan, but it's a lot harder when you're out and about without any food.

After I ate the ice cream, I felt really really guilty. I thought I'd gained 5 pounds already. I wanted to not eat for 2 days, or at least restrict a little bit. But after while, I looked in the mirror and saw.. me. 110 1/2 pound me. I need food. I need structure. I need planning. I probably need to put on weight too. I just have to realize, that I won't gain weight by eating 400 extra calories for one day. Especially if I went for a long walk too!

So after a while, I realized that not eating for two days is stupid. I need food to live. To function. To learn and grow. After while I planned out tomorrow's day, and it was normal. I'm not going to restrict anymore. I'm not going to live my life in fear of gaining weight anymore. If I gain, I gain. If I lose, then.. I just need to stop. Anorexia isn't winning. I'm going to win this thing, even if it takes forever.

Finally busy

I can't remember the last time I've been busy. I think I was busy last year, but for different reasons. I was in tennis and that kept me a bit busy, but not by much. This year is completely different. I had a meeting with ignite model management today and it went great! I've emailed them photos before, but they weren't professional so they didn't contact me. This time, they contacted me within a week! Their office was impossible to find, but the extra walking and wrong directions were worth it. I think this is meant to be. This agency/management company is really different than the ones I've been to. I keep getting signs that it's meant to be. That I'm meant to be there. Another difference is that this agency is actually known. People have heard of them and in the last fashion show I worked on, their models were actually in the show!

They're going to meet with us again soon to discuss contracts and stuff and I'm so excited. I never used to get excited right away about modeling agencies and stuff but this time I was really excited right away. I feel really good about this. I might even get jobs from here and get to go to Japan, New York, and other amazing places. This is the first time I've been busy the whole day, and it felt great. Now that I'm in online school, I get to do whatever. If my mom is home on Thursday, I can go to the mall in the middle of the day! I'm so open to do pretty much whatever I want. That doesn't mean I still have homework though. I actually have more than before, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it.

After we met with them, we went to my dietitian. My dietitian is great. She understands me completely and she's super nice. My therapist on the other hand, is another story. It's not that my therapist isn't nice, she is but we just don't understand each other. We just don't connect. Last week and the week before that she mentioned inpatient care. What?! I thought I was way past that. I had no idea why she mentioned it and I felt so sad because I felt like she didn't realize my progress. And I also feel like I can't talk to her. There's always dead air between us, and I don't think it's supposed to be that way. I feel bad for talking about her this way, but I just had to get it out. I'm frustrated. I feel like I can't open up to her. I told my dietitian and she said that I just had to tell her. If I don't tell her, than she'll probably just be hurt and angry. I guess I'll just see what happens.. I meet with her tomorrow and I just have to be honest with her that it's not working out.

After that, we went to an all natural foods store. I like grocery shopping, I do, but I feel bad when I get too many things. But I shouldn't feel bad! I'm running out of food and I need food to live. This isn't like before when I ate 500 calories a day so the food lasted forever. I actually eat the food and enjoy. This is the first time I've actually got excited about food! I found a ton of meat replacement items, which was great. I never, ever, used to go directly for the meat but now I do because I like it, it's not actually meat, and it tastes better than meat! I also found a great dairy-free coconut milk yogurt and dairy-free coconut milk ice cream that I was excited about. The ice cream was green tea, so obviously I loved it ;)

I also love the strides I've made. I actually want friends now, but I'm not desperate anymore. I've realized my old friends weren't worth it and I've moved on. I've found an amazing job that I could make I ton of money! I also finally found a great church. I've always wanted to go to church, but my beliefs aren't so strict so I didn't want to go to one. Now, I've found a great one that does a ton of volunteer work and even has a eating disorder group! I'm going there on Sunday, so I'll see how it goes. I have a good feeling about this. I have a good feeling about life. It's finally starting to get better. I'm finally starting to be happy.

-Sorry this is so long! I just wanted to share my happiness(: