Sunday, October 10, 2010

Imaginary weight gain

I thought I was over it all I really did. But today, I.. screwed myself over again. I went to the church today, but I didn't like it very much. I don't know.. I'm not really sure if I'm much of a church goer. I can never sit still, no matter how hard I try. The sermon was good, different, but I didn't really believe it. It wasn't so black and white like other church sermon's but it didn't really make sense. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

After church, me and my mom went on another walk around this beautiful lake. I love the weather now. It's perfect walking/biking weather. The lake was just so beautiful. There were so many people out too. The only problem was, I didn't eat a proper lunch. I should really plan in advance, but in the back of my head, the ED is saying don't eat. Hold off on it a little longer. No harm will come to it. Uh, yes it will. I'm supposed to stick to my meal plan. The ED makes it nearly impossible. Here's what I ate today:
-1 cup special k cereal, 1 cup light soy milk
-10 0z mango smoothie
-1 small apple
-1 cookie dough ball, 13 grapes
-1 personal pan cheese pizza, 1 cup dairy- free green tea ice cream, 2 tbsp mashed potatoes
Now that I write it down, I guess it doesn't seem like much. But it felt like a lot. I think the reason why I really ate so much later was because again, I didn't have a proper lunch. The body works in weird ways. If I don't eat properly now, I want to eat and eat and eat and eat later. I've been trying to plan, but it's a lot harder when you're out and about without any food.

After I ate the ice cream, I felt really really guilty. I thought I'd gained 5 pounds already. I wanted to not eat for 2 days, or at least restrict a little bit. But after while, I looked in the mirror and saw.. me. 110 1/2 pound me. I need food. I need structure. I need planning. I probably need to put on weight too. I just have to realize, that I won't gain weight by eating 400 extra calories for one day. Especially if I went for a long walk too!

So after a while, I realized that not eating for two days is stupid. I need food to live. To function. To learn and grow. After while I planned out tomorrow's day, and it was normal. I'm not going to restrict anymore. I'm not going to live my life in fear of gaining weight anymore. If I gain, I gain. If I lose, then.. I just need to stop. Anorexia isn't winning. I'm going to win this thing, even if it takes forever.


  1. I can totally relate to your frustration hun, but like u said, this thing isnt going to win!! keep thinking sensible thoughts, the rational thoughts, and let your actions reflect that. Ill be here for u if u need to chat.

  2. Aw, sweetie. This is so challenging. I wish I could just fix it for you. Why is it so hard for us to eat sometimes? It's so frustrating! But it's so necessary. You're right about everything you said here. You do need food to survive. You won't gain a bunch of weight by eating a few extra calories. But even if you did, the world wouldn't stop. I know anorexia wants us to believe that weight gain = the end of the world. It's all lies. You have to learn to recognize the ED voice and do the opposite of whatever it says, no matter how mixed up it might feel.

    You're doing so well. You can do this!

  3. Sorry you had a hard day! You're right - anorexia isn't going to win. You are!

    I do the same thing - I eat something and stand in front of the mirror, convincing myself that I'm gaining weight by the minute. But realizing that you haven't is a step in itself! Seeing yourself when you look in the mirror is progress.

    Stay Strong!