Changing

Weight gain is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know it may not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me it really is. Not being able to feel as many bones, having extra fat on my body, eating so much I can't even move. I never thought it would be this hard. But that doesn't mean it isn't going to be worth it.

I want my freedom back. I want to be able to run without my parents yelling - no running! And them thinking I'm trying to burn calories when I'm not. I want to be able to look in a mirror and see me- not some person that has to lose weight. I want to be able to eat what I want, without my parents jumping in and saying its not enough to gain weight. And I want to be able to work out again!

The things I want to do, can't be done unless I get to my goal weight. Then I will have my freedom back. I think it will be really hard when I do get to a healthy weight, because there will be other girls thinner than me, but to know I'm happy and healthy and to remember how miserable I was at a lower weight, won't make me want to me unhealthy again.

Fighting Ed is really hard, and I can't really do it on my own. So I'm going to look at this everytime I feel discouraged, and remember my goal is to change. Ed is not going to win.

These made me smile(: And helped me remember my goal.

Have a great day everyone!<3(:

Weight Exposure

I'm always really nervous when I have to see my weight. Is it too high? Too low? Will Ed like it and try to manipulate me? For the last few months its usually been the last one.

On Tuesday I had the weight exposure with the family therapist. I was so scared at first but after I saw it, I was actually surprised. My weight is actually pretty low. I've always thought that it was a little higher, but its pretty low. After I saw it, we started talking about my growth chart and what weight would be normal for me if I didn't have an eating disorder. I was surprised that my goal weight was actually pretty normal too. Like its in the healthy range and in my growth chart range or whatever.

I did meet with the doctor too, and she said I still haven't gained any weight! I was really surprised. I've actually been putting a lot of effort into eating more. But we met with the nutritionist and I said I could start adding dessert at lunch and dinner. Like yesterday I had 2 mini donuts from Starbucks and the dessert for dinner I had some splenda jelly beans. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I have to start small or else I get tooo overwhelmed and scared.

I know gaining weight is going to be scary. I've been underweight for 9 months. Thats not good at all. I almost got a message from God the other day. It was like he said, stay the same and never recover and die a little young (30-40 ish) or recover, gain, and live a long happy life. It was weird. I knew it was from God because it was almost like a lightbulb moment, and thats usually when God talks to me but I don't realize its him at first.

When I really thought about it, it made sense. Who would really want to have an eating disorder forever? And worry about all the food they've eaten everyday? Label each day as a "binge". A fail day. Then eat much less tomorrow. Thats no way to live. We need food to live, its as simple as that. From now on, I'm going to make sure to feed all of my body, not just parts of it.

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This was probably the best protein bar I've had so far. Chocolate chip cookie dough, yumm(:



I read this a few days ago. Its actually pretty good! And it actually wasn't triggering much at all. The pictures at the end of the book scared me though. But I think they were almost meant to do that. The ending was good at least, she recovered in the end(:



Dinner a few nights ago. My cravings are weird. One day I crave snacks like these, and then another day I crave a pizza and a chocolate chip cookie. Weird.



Coconut milk yogurt(: This is my favorite kind.



Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with mango and pineapple chunks(: It's really good.



My dog Baily(: I'm not sure what she was doing..




Have a great day Everyone!

Weekend

Thank you all for the wonderful comments!(: Sorry I haven't commented on blogs lately! I've actually been very busy for once! That and my computer got a virus:( so I have to go on my ipod or use my moms super slow computer which I'm on now. Hopefully it will get fixed soon.

The weekend was actually really fun!(: Friday I went shopping with my mom and read the book The Lovely Bones (has anyone read it or seen the movie?), On Saturday I had Christmas with my dads side of the family (I know, late, but it always is), and today I met with some cousins & family at a restaurant to see my cousins new baby.

The weekend has been pretty good eating wise too. I actually have a goal weight in mind for me for once. Not for doctors, my parents, or my eating disorder (because Ed doesn't want me to gain!) for me. It's at the low end of the healthy range, but it's in the healthy range and I think thats all that matters.

I've been pretty happy lately too. I guess the key to being happy is being around people you love all the time(: Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!