Weight Exposure

I'm always really nervous when I have to see my weight. Is it too high? Too low? Will Ed like it and try to manipulate me? For the last few months its usually been the last one.

On Tuesday I had the weight exposure with the family therapist. I was so scared at first but after I saw it, I was actually surprised. My weight is actually pretty low. I've always thought that it was a little higher, but its pretty low. After I saw it, we started talking about my growth chart and what weight would be normal for me if I didn't have an eating disorder. I was surprised that my goal weight was actually pretty normal too. Like its in the healthy range and in my growth chart range or whatever.

I did meet with the doctor too, and she said I still haven't gained any weight! I was really surprised. I've actually been putting a lot of effort into eating more. But we met with the nutritionist and I said I could start adding dessert at lunch and dinner. Like yesterday I had 2 mini donuts from Starbucks and the dessert for dinner I had some splenda jelly beans. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I have to start small or else I get tooo overwhelmed and scared.

I know gaining weight is going to be scary. I've been underweight for 9 months. Thats not good at all. I almost got a message from God the other day. It was like he said, stay the same and never recover and die a little young (30-40 ish) or recover, gain, and live a long happy life. It was weird. I knew it was from God because it was almost like a lightbulb moment, and thats usually when God talks to me but I don't realize its him at first.

When I really thought about it, it made sense. Who would really want to have an eating disorder forever? And worry about all the food they've eaten everyday? Label each day as a "binge". A fail day. Then eat much less tomorrow. Thats no way to live. We need food to live, its as simple as that. From now on, I'm going to make sure to feed all of my body, not just parts of it.

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This was probably the best protein bar I've had so far. Chocolate chip cookie dough, yumm(:



I read this a few days ago. Its actually pretty good! And it actually wasn't triggering much at all. The pictures at the end of the book scared me though. But I think they were almost meant to do that. The ending was good at least, she recovered in the end(:



Dinner a few nights ago. My cravings are weird. One day I crave snacks like these, and then another day I crave a pizza and a chocolate chip cookie. Weird.



Coconut milk yogurt(: This is my favorite kind.



Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with mango and pineapple chunks(: It's really good.



My dog Baily(: I'm not sure what she was doing..




Have a great day Everyone!