Little problems

The past week, I've been so confused. Since I've been eating more and trying not to aim for 1,200 calories a day anymore, I've been a lot more conscious of what i put into my body. These are some of the questions I've been so confused about for the past week: When should i eat? Every four hours? What if i eat 200 calories every 2 hours? Wait.. how many calories would that be? Will i ever be normal again? How much water should i drink a day? Should i stop buying fat free stuff? How much and how often should i work out? Will i look how i looked three years ago? Ew i don't want to look like that, gross! Did i gain ten pounds when i was on vacation last year? I think i had a good body before then. I hope these questions will eventually go away. They're so annoying and they always send me worrying and then i go looking at old pictures of myself and worry some more.

I know these problems aren't that big of a deal but this truth is, i don't want to look how i did three years ago. I never worked out then and i ate however i wanted. Was i happy? Wait.. i was happy then. Weird.. i wasn't working out then. But maybe i was one of those people who didn't care. Who didn't care what size of jeans i was wearing, who didn't care what my weight was and didn't care how i ate. I was a normal person back then but have i changed for the better now?

When i think about the body i want, i picture my body before my family went on vacation last year. I was eating normally, snacking on 100 calorie snacks, not counting calories, working out regularly, and wasn't too obsessed about what i looked like. I was happy.

So how can i be how i used to be? By having snacks in my diet. I've got the whole three meals a day thing down, now i just have to add in little snacks. I'll recover from this illness. I know i will.

Thank you

This is probably a really different post for me. I just wanted to say to all those for supporting me.. thank you! You have no idea how you've helped me. Your encouraging comments and support keeps me going everyday. Seriously. If i was all alone and had no one with me, then i don't think i would continute this. I would want to die. But i noticed every since i mentioned recovery from anorexia or something, people have been so willing to help me. i love that. I love the help and support everyone have given me.

One thing i haven't really done yet, is weigh the pros and cons of anorexia. I think there will be more cons than pros which is good but i'll see what comes up.

Pros:

I get to be really thin

People will focus on my weight instead of my personality

I get a "high" from getting dizzy when i don't eat anything

I get to model and could be on the runway in no time

Cons:

I looked like a little kid

I could die anytime if i keep continuing it

Models get thin gradually. If i was already thin, i think people would not want to hire me

I could have a heart attack

I hate being isolated with everyone because i'm affraid there's going to be food around

I guess there is more cons than pros. And that's a good thing! When i look at the reasons why i want to have an eating disorder, they seem sad and weak. I want to be strong. I want to make a difference in the world. And most of all, i want to recover from this illness and come out a better person.

Bad Cravings

I know I was talking about healthy eating last time but for some reason I've been craving junk food lately. Weird.. i don't like junk food that much and the only junk food i keep in the house is pop tarts, which i eat for breakfast and i occasionally bake healthier sweets. I really really want to eat healthy but for some reason, i really want a poptart right now. But i already had some this morning. This is why i don't like keeping these in the house. I eat them, and then i feel bad about it later. I hope these feelings eventually go away and i feel great about what I'm eating. But part of me feels that it almost keep me like, in check. I want poptarts now but I'm unsure about eating them so I'm not going to have them.

I wish it wasn't a constant battle with my eating disorder. For example, if i have this, then i can't have this and then i can have this. Or i can eat all this and then I'll be closer to my goal weight and then i can have permission to work out and then I'll be able to do whatever i want and they won't watch what i eat anymore. Perfect. I wish i could be like my parents. They eat whatever they want. But then again.. they never work out and they're not in shape. Not that I'm judging or anything. I want to be in shape. I don't want to be unhealthy anymore and I want to eat healthy things. With the occasional unhealthy thing. Is that bad? One thing I'm going to let go of, is the guilt of eating more than i planned to.

Last Christmas was probably the worst. I was at a healthy weight and i was working out normally but i was still secretly obsessed and the eating disorder was still there. I remember making a cheesecake but no one was eating it so i felt like i had to eat it. I ate three or four slices along with dinner and lunch and felt incredibly guilty about it. Christmas was at our house, so i figured I'll work out. So i workout out, at Christmas, when my whole family was over. It sounds so bad now that i write it. I know that I'll be incredibly glad when that obsession is gone but.. how long is that going to take?

I'm just glad i have a little bit more freedom now. Sure, the thoughts are still there but I'm doing better. Before, if i ate a small roll that was 100 calories over my daily limit, i would feel like I'd instantly gained 5 pounds and would stand for a long time in the mirror picking out flaws about myself. Compared to then, i guess I've come a long ways. Now, all i need to do is regain balance. Eat healthy, work out everyday, and enjoy the occasional treat. Hopefully I'll get there soon and overcome this.

Healthy Eating

What is healthy eating exactly? My eating is so up and down, I'm not even sure. Lately, I've been feeling that I've been eating really unhealthy. I mean yeah, i eat a lot of fruits and lean cuisines and stuff but i feel like i eat a lot of bad stuff too. But maybe that's just my eating disorder talking. The thing is, when i eat healthy no matter what the portion amount, i feel good about what i ate. If i eat say, a chicken strip basket with fries and a medium chocolate shake, then i don't feel good about what i ate and i feel like i ate way too much.

Back when i was only eating 500 calories a day, i had it in my mind that healthy food wasn't good. I would only eat like a donut and a small candy bar because it would satisfy my cravings and i was only eating so little so i might as well eat what i want right? Well, now i want to eat healthy. And eating healthy doesn't mean depriving yourself of sweets or pizza or something. It means eating it in moderation. So i don't get sick of it. And so i don't feel bad about it.

It's weird, when i list off my favorite foods now and compare it to back then, it's completely different. I used to love chocolate and eat it everyday but now i actually prefer fruit over chocolate! But my all time favorite food is Green tea. I loveee anything green tea. Green tea ice cream, green tea frappuccino's, green tea cake, they even make green tea Kit Kat's! Too bad they only sell them in japan.

When i think about recovery, it seems so hard. So much like a long road ahead that never ends. I did see my nutritionist today though. She said i was looking so much better, i had a smile on my face, and some color to my face too. And when i think about how miserable i used to be, recovery suddenly seems worth it. Weight gain doesn't feel as horrible anymore and life seems great. Getting up every day doesn't feel like a chore anymore, and I love that.

The "fat" model moments

You know the more you know that you can't do something, the more you want to do it? It used to be that way with me and eating. After each meal i would say: i can't wait to eat again! Which is really sad. Now, it's like that with modeling. I keep telling myself: You can't model. Models are super skinny. You might as well give up now. You've never going to get anywhere in the industry looking fat. And now that i think about it, it's probably the ED telling me this. Not myself. But still, every time i think about modeling, i think I'll never be able to do it again because i won't be thin enough. Until i read something that changed my mind. I was reading seventeen magazine when i saw an interview with Tyra Banks. If you don't know who she is, she used to be a runway model and created her own signature walk, she was the first black woman on the cover of sports illustrated, and she created America's next top model. She's basically my role model. I mean, she went from being a supermodel to creating her own talk show and created her own company! Anyway, she was talking about dreams and who inspired her to go after her dreams. She said: "If someone slams the door in your face, go through a window. If the window is locked, go through the back door. If the back door is closed, climb on the roof and find your way in through the attic. There is a way to your goal. Just figure out how to get there".

At that moment i knew, i can be a model! I could be the first normal size model and maybe i could pave the way for other models. Models wouldn't be pressured to be super skinny anymore. They would just be beautiful and average. Young girls wouldn't be pressured to be really thin anymore. That's my new dream. To change how the world thinks.

I know it's a big dream, but i hope one day to accomplish it.

Labor day madness

Labor day. I swear, it's my least favorite holiday. Is it even a holiday? I'm not sure. My parents are fighting (for the first time), my eating disorder is out of control, and i was up at my cabin all weekend.

I like my cabin. I do, it's just.. my eating issues get worse every single time i get up there. There's just so much food up there. It seems like everyone's always snacking and there's always food around to eat. The weekend went pretty well. The only day that was really bad was Saturday.

Donuts are my weakness and they were sitting right there too. So i had one. And i was debating whether or not to have another one and i decided hey, i need to gain weight. The faster i gain weight, the sooner i get permission to work out and the sooner I'm on my own, right? So i grabbed another one and before i started to eat it, my mom grabbed it out of my hands and said, leave some for everyone else! They aren't yours. I don't know why that made me sad, but it did. She said it in front of everyone and it made me feel really fat for some reason. And it REALLY triggered the eating disorder. I immediately started thinking: well if I'm really fat, then I'll skip lunch. Then dinner. Heck, I'll not eat for four days! There. Who's the fat one now?

It's sad how those thoughts appear out of nowhere. In the end, i did end up eating lunch and dinner and eating pretty normally for the weekend but not eat was always in the back of my mind. I'm glad that my mom didn't let me have the donut but i really wish she hadn't of made me feel so bad about it. And she explained later that she didn't want me to feel fat, she just knew i would feel bad about it later if i did eat the donut.

I was really surprised about one thing this weekend though. I realized that every time i go shopping, i don't feel fat anymore. I feel.. like a stick. I know i need to gain weight and I've fully accepted and embraced that now. Now, instead of being afraid of how I'm going to look in clothes I'm excited about the clothes that i get to wear now. Because every time i go shopping, the clothes i want to wear don't fit me. They're too big. Even bracelets. Which is weird because bracelets always fit me before.

At least now that i started recovery, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see my life getting better. And i know that once I'm fully recovered, my life will be amazing. I can't wait.

Crazy thoughts

The other night, i was looking at some old pictures of myself. These are pictures of before i got really sick and restricting and they were taken in April. As i looked at them I thought: am i crazy?! I even looked super skinny there! Why oh why did i start destroying my body?! what's wrong with me? Why didn't i see that? Why do i see that now? why am i so stupid?

I probably weighed 20 pounds more there. And i did look good! But I hate that i didn't see that. That i was so selfish that i wanted to look even thinner when in reality, i didn't need to lose any weight at all.

But one thing that really scares me is what if i don't look like that when i gain all the weight back? What if i gain even more weight and become fat because they'll never let me work out? This I know is the ED thoughts. The What if? thoughts.

The worst part is, i can't seem to get rid of them. No matter how hard i try. They're always in the back of my mind. They're always saying: eat less. please eat less. recovery is stupid. it doesn't matter. give up. I know you're going to.

Stupid ED. I really wish this disease didn't exist. At least I know that when I overcome this, I'll be much stronger. There's nothing stopping me now.