Back again

Hi guys, remember me? I'm back again, after 2 years it's been pretty hard. But unfortunately, Ed is back to torture me again and I don't really know where else to turn to  except here.

2 almost 3 years ago, I made this blog and didn't except to get any followers or have anyone help me at all. I was helpless and was in need of some direction. But slowly you guys helped me, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that. We were all kind of like a support system for each other over the internet and there was no judgement which I loved.

My junior year of high school, Ed was not present in my life. But my senior year, I went back to my old high school, some very painful things happened to me, and then all of a sudden Ed was back. And he wasn't leaving.

I was in a lot of pain and didn't know what else to do so I turned to Ed. It started out how it normally does, working out more eating healthy. I was starting to party more and I got introduced to adderall. Long story short I got really addicted and took it so I wouldn't have an appetite. I spent the last 6 months addicted to adderall, risking going to jail and losing relationships with the people I loved the most. I became a shell of myself, barely eating, irritable, staying up all night and getting NO sleep, barely laughing, and struggling every single day. The past year I also began binging and purging too.

In the last month, I've quit adderall and I've started to eat again. I've started college, got a job, and I'm getting my life together.

But it's still hard. Yesterday I had to buy jeans in a size bigger than I usually wear. It was really difficult and I know I can't do this alone which I why I came here. I want Ed out of my life FOR GOOD. I don't want to turn to him when I'm in distress I don't want to turn to him ever. I've struggled with this for 6 years and I want him out of my life forever. I really hope I'll be able to do that.

Update (:

I just want to personally thank all of you for being there for me during my struggle last year. It was really hard and I was so grateful I had so much support! My life has taken a turn for the better, I'm so much healthier now! My weight.. hmm maybe about like 122-125 lbs depending on the day? That number used to scare the shit out of me but now I don't really care! Yes I still have days where I don't feel too great about my body but I still eat anyway!

I don't have a boyfriend at the moment (but I don't really care) (: I got my first job! I work at Ihop as a hostess and I'm hopefully getting my liscense soon! I drive like EVERYWHERE now it's pretty great I finally got over my fear of driving! I have alot of friends who support me and I love that so much (: My eyes are finally huge, blue, bright and full of life and I'm doing so much better in school now that I finally got over my depression too. I actually went off my medication and I am SO happy about that!

My mom is taking me to acpuncture weekly cause she thinks it will help and I'm just like -___- but oh well better than taking pills!

Anyway I just wanted to thank you all for being there for me on this journey maybe I will decide to write on here in the future but for now you can follow my twitter- @DaniellleNicol or my tumblr- http://ohhbitchhhpleaseee.tumblr.com/ !(:

Tumblr switch!!

Heeeyyy guys (: sorry I haven't posted in.. months. Lol. Buuut you should all follow my tumblr blog if you have one!<3 http://ohhbitchhhpleaseee.tumblr.com/ idk I just like tumblr alot better now! it lets me do alot me haha but anywayyy, comment with your tumblr link so I can follow you!(:

Letter to myself

I'm gonna read this every time I feel like crap. My ex boyfriends have done such shitty things to me.. it made me feel like I was never worth it. But guess what assholes? I am. And I'm gonna find someone better<3


Hey, you.

Yeah you! Are you thinking about him AGAIN? Quit it. You’re better than this. You’re worth it. He’s just a STUPID boy. Were you happy before him? Yes? Duh! You’ve been through worse than this sweetheart. Cutting drinking anorexia depression bulimia. Heartbreak? No problem. There are people who need you in the world. You have a purpose in this world and it isn’t being someone’s girlfriend. You’re going to change the world. YOU are worth it<3 You’re beautiful, inside and out.

Love, Me

NEW.BLOG(:

You know, I love writing. I wanna keep this blog but the name is going to change. I'm not sure of what yet, but yeah(: read if you want, or not.

Life is very good<3 I'm feeling really inspired lately so I wanted to write.. I'm SO happy, I got an interview to volunteer at the childrens hospital and ROCKED IT!(: I get to volunteer there 5-8 on Mondays and have to go to two training sessions I'm SO EXCITED!!

Moving on, feels amazing. My past is my past and it has made me so much stronger. Heartbreak, depression, anorexia, a little of bulmia, cutting, I'm past it all. And I want to help those who are still struggling. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just can't wait for it to come to you. You have to reach out and grab it.

"No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it."




<3Danielle

I also have another blog, but I just post pictures, see it if you likeee (:

http://daniellejacobson.tumblr.com/

Hello beauts! (:

I'M RECOVERED!!!!!!

I've been recoered for about 2 months now! :D I got done with treatment and I felt SO proud! <3 Yes, I have had one slip but I picked myself back up and now I'm okay again (: I've been through some heartbreak, experimented with drinking, but eventually, stopped. I haven't cut in almost 3 weeks and I've found my faith again (:

I went on a missions trip to New orleans, Louisana and it was an amazing experience. It was very tough for me, but I loved it. I helped fix a ladys house and went on prayer walks and it was lifechanging. I might go on on a missions trip in nicarigua hopefully next summer too! :D

This summer has definetly had some ups and down.. I'm starting to get over a heartbreak. I won't go into details, but it REALLY hurt me. But I'm healing now, working on myself, focusing on me. I got my cartilage pierced and I'm getting my hair dyed on thursday(: I'm working out more (only an hour max a day!!) I usually only workout for 30 minutes anyway. Or go on peaceful walks (:

I'm starting to get into photography,too(: Life is amazing, and I'm so glad that I finally got over my eating disorder to realize that. I'm finally the happy go lucky friendly person I've always wanted to be. One day I'm going to write a book, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life helping people (: I'm not sure how! But I will realize that when I graduate in two years.

Thank you all SO much for reading my blog and being there for me over the past year! It meant so much to me and I couldn't thank you enough.

Add me on Facebook! http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.138179322919521.26525.100001823615482#!/danielle.jacobson3 I will always be here for anyone who needs help. God helps me solve problems (:

Thanks for listening<3 -Danielle Nicole (:

Taking a break

I think I'm going to be taking a break from the blog world for a while. I really have to try and focus on myself right now, and being happy, and recovering and stuff. I have to focus on all the positive things in life or else I'm afraid that I'll become really sad again.

I'm finally starting to not get REALLY depressed at night so that's a good sign(: I guess the only thing I'm afraid of now, is the clinic I go to. I just want to be DONE. I feel normal again. I don't feel 100 % cured, but I feel like a normal girl again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I don't really want to put a huge effort into gaining weight because I feel what I'm doing is okay. I'm eating enough to feed my body, and I'm eating whatever I want.

I guess I feel that when I focus on recovery and eating disorders and sad things and all that, I start to get caught up in it all, and it's really hard to stop thinking about it. Like when I start talking about my eating disorder, like now, I start body checking, obsessing about food, calories, everything.

But when I'm with friends and I'm having tons of fun, I really don't think about food and just eat whatever I want and don't let my eating disorder get to me. The eating disorder is always in the back of my mind and it doesn't bother me because I'm not letting it control me.

I'll blog again when I'm in a better place in my life and eating disorder and stuff.
Thanks for listening <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">And remember, you're all beautiful (:

(:

Hey! Sorry I haven't wrote in a while, I've been kinda busy.

I've made like a ton of progress in the past week. Not like, weight wise but I decided to not be a vegetarian anymore. I thought I would be a vegetarian forever, but now I realized that I just wanted to be a vegetarian to feel special. See, when I first started recovery I wanted something besides my eating disorder (because I was trying to get rid of it) to make me feel special.

At the time I didn't really realize that I was a vegetarian for that reason. I've never really liked any other meat except chicken, unless it's hidden in something like meatballs or meat and rice or something. So that was another reason to be a vegetarian.

But what I didn't really realize was the side effects of not getting enough protein. I sometimes got really tired for no reason and pretty weak too. It wasn't from lack of food, but from lack of protein. I also really craved chicken too and I just denied myself enough protein for a long time. I finally admitted I didn't want to be a vegetarian anymore at the dietitian's. My mom actually started crying! And my dad said he was really proud of me. I guess I'm proud of myself too. It's still hard to get protein, but soon eating protein will get easier.

I also bought some bigger jeans. I haven't worn this size in likee 8 months? At first it was really scary but then I was like- why does this have to be such a big deal?! They're just jeans, and I want more breathing room than the smaller jeans.

I'm also starting to hang out with friends a lot more(: And I start a new high school in two weeks, I'm so excited. Staying at home all day really isn't that fun at all.

The best part is I'm starting to feel.. normal again(: I'm still underweight, but I think I can finally start to live the life the I want to, not the life Ed wants me too.

Learning healthy habits

Body checking. I think we all do it. Well, anyone with an eating disorder anyway.

I never realized I did this, until I talked with the family therapist yesterday. I walk into the bathroom, and there's a huge mirror. I look at my thighs, they're huge, a size eight at least, I feel so disgusting. So I check in the mirror in the other room, suddenly I'm thinner. Then I check in a different mirror in the same room, I'm thinner again. Then I go back into the bathroom, yuck look at those thighs.

I didn't change sizes from walking one room to the next! Body checking is also trying on clothes to figure out how each one fits. And its also feeling certain places of the body to see which place is thinner, stuff like that.

Now that I'm more aware of this, I realize I "body check" a lot! And it really bugs me. But I am really glad that I've realized this, so I can finally stop it. My parents are going to take down the mirrors in their room so I can't examine myself in them anymore, and we're going to block off a part of the mirror in the bathroom. It will take a while to get rid of this body checking habit, but I'm determined to do it. It doesn't make me happy, it only makes me feel fat and miserable.

I'm also trying to learn healthy exercise, and so far its going great! I'm doing strength training (only with 2 lb weights) and pilates. And I'm going to the dog park once a week with my dog. And I'm not exercising to burn calories, I exercise to be happy, and because I actually want to. I will no longer be slaving away on the treadmill. I don't really even like treadmills that much!

I have made progress, and that really really scares me. I haven't been at this weight in almost 3 months. I almost feel like I'm doing something very wrong. But I'm not! I'm still thin, and people are still worried about me. Hopefully being thin will no longer matter to me when I'm recovered. I just want to be healthy now.

Changing

Weight gain is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know it may not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me it really is. Not being able to feel as many bones, having extra fat on my body, eating so much I can't even move. I never thought it would be this hard. But that doesn't mean it isn't going to be worth it.

I want my freedom back. I want to be able to run without my parents yelling - no running! And them thinking I'm trying to burn calories when I'm not. I want to be able to look in a mirror and see me- not some person that has to lose weight. I want to be able to eat what I want, without my parents jumping in and saying its not enough to gain weight. And I want to be able to work out again!

The things I want to do, can't be done unless I get to my goal weight. Then I will have my freedom back. I think it will be really hard when I do get to a healthy weight, because there will be other girls thinner than me, but to know I'm happy and healthy and to remember how miserable I was at a lower weight, won't make me want to me unhealthy again.

Fighting Ed is really hard, and I can't really do it on my own. So I'm going to look at this everytime I feel discouraged, and remember my goal is to change. Ed is not going to win.

These made me smile(: And helped me remember my goal.

Have a great day everyone!<3(:

Making a difference

As soon as I realized that I actually did want to recover, I wanted to help others recover too! Because recovery is so hard to do on your own! You have to face the table every day and eat, and be brave. For a while, I wasn't very brave. I would talk to other people who had an eating disorder, and they would beg me to eat more and I would tell them I don't feel like trying. I was too scared to face the demon, to stare it in the face and tell it that it was wrong.

It took me a long time to actually face the demon instead of just listening to the lies it told me. For a long time, I wore a size that was almost too small for me because I liked the small size, not the actual clothes. I would ignore the risks and still eat less because thats all I knew how to do. Now, everything has changed.

I'm not afraid anymore. I don't want to be cold anymore or have my brain shrink from lack of food or even have my heart shrink! Before I went to the new clinic, I didn't even know these things. I didn't know the heart shrunk. It did, because its a muscle and when you have an eating disorder, you get really weak.

I want to live now. I want to make a difference. Not gaining weight, isn't going to make a difference. I have to eat more than the average person eats and face my fears because I want to live. Being underweight for so long, is not living. I don't want people to ask me if I'm anorexic on formspring, and I don't even want them to question if I have an eating disorder anymore. I want to be healthy, strong, and beautiful.

We can all beat this. Don't be afraid, we can do this<3

I always listen to this song when I'm feeling sad, it always makes me feel better and stronger.

You CAN recover

Many people with eating disorders, die from it. Others never recover. I used to think that I would never recover. I used to think that I would never recover, and stuck eating 800 calories a day or less than that. Being cold alll the time and feeling trapped. Never going out to eat. Isolating myself.

Now I realize that I really can recover. And so can you. I know sometimes it feels so hard to even try to eat. We make up excuses like "I have no appetite" "I don't feel like trying to eat more today" "I just wanted to listen to Ed today, he was too strong."

But you know what will happen if you keep giving in to those excuses?



Isabelle Caro died from eating disorder complications. She was so strong, but she let the disease get the best of her. She's such an inspiration to me, and I'm going to keep fighting and keep eating so I can inspire other people just like she did. I hope one day I can be completely recover and help other people get recovered too. You don't have to live with an eating disorder forever. There is hope.

Update

Sorry I've been gone the past week! I've been trying to stay off the computer a little bit. I'll try to at least blog though(:

Everything has been going pretty well, I guess. I've been a little happier so I think the prozac is starting to kick in. I've also been eating more and I'm trying to at least fit in one snack. So far I've gained like 1 lb but that isn't much. I thought I had gained 5, but of course that was just Ed trying to manipulate me again.

I was talking with the family therapist about weight and body image and we started working on ways to fight back to Ed. Like if he said;

-Don't eat that brownie or else you'll get fat.

I could say;

-Actually, I won't get fat. I need to gain weight and eating one little brownie won't make me gain a ton of weight. Besides, I like brownies(: They're good and I'm not going to let you stop me from eating it.

Or if he says something about me like;

-Your legs are fat. Go to a gym already! No more sweets. And it's 1000 calories a day from now on, okay?

I could say;

-My legs are not fat and I am not fat. I hate that word! Stop calling me fat and stop bullying me. I want to live my life and not have you tormenting me.

So far I've said those things back and he doesn't have a response(: The past few days I've even had some fear foods too! Like a nutella sandwich. I've always been afraid of nutella because of the calories, but now I think it's really good! I had a nutella sandwich like two days in a row I liked it so much. I also had a regular peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Before, I would eat the frozen kind because it had the calories on the back but now I like making it myself. And I even added extra peanut butter this time(:

Have a great weekend everyone! I might update again this weekend.

Weight Exposure

I'm always really nervous when I have to see my weight. Is it too high? Too low? Will Ed like it and try to manipulate me? For the last few months its usually been the last one.

On Tuesday I had the weight exposure with the family therapist. I was so scared at first but after I saw it, I was actually surprised. My weight is actually pretty low. I've always thought that it was a little higher, but its pretty low. After I saw it, we started talking about my growth chart and what weight would be normal for me if I didn't have an eating disorder. I was surprised that my goal weight was actually pretty normal too. Like its in the healthy range and in my growth chart range or whatever.

I did meet with the doctor too, and she said I still haven't gained any weight! I was really surprised. I've actually been putting a lot of effort into eating more. But we met with the nutritionist and I said I could start adding dessert at lunch and dinner. Like yesterday I had 2 mini donuts from Starbucks and the dessert for dinner I had some splenda jelly beans. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I have to start small or else I get tooo overwhelmed and scared.

I know gaining weight is going to be scary. I've been underweight for 9 months. Thats not good at all. I almost got a message from God the other day. It was like he said, stay the same and never recover and die a little young (30-40 ish) or recover, gain, and live a long happy life. It was weird. I knew it was from God because it was almost like a lightbulb moment, and thats usually when God talks to me but I don't realize its him at first.

When I really thought about it, it made sense. Who would really want to have an eating disorder forever? And worry about all the food they've eaten everyday? Label each day as a "binge". A fail day. Then eat much less tomorrow. Thats no way to live. We need food to live, its as simple as that. From now on, I'm going to make sure to feed all of my body, not just parts of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was probably the best protein bar I've had so far. Chocolate chip cookie dough, yumm(:



I read this a few days ago. Its actually pretty good! And it actually wasn't triggering much at all. The pictures at the end of the book scared me though. But I think they were almost meant to do that. The ending was good at least, she recovered in the end(:



Dinner a few nights ago. My cravings are weird. One day I crave snacks like these, and then another day I crave a pizza and a chocolate chip cookie. Weird.



Coconut milk yogurt(: This is my favorite kind.



Vanilla Frozen Yogurt with mango and pineapple chunks(: It's really good.



My dog Baily(: I'm not sure what she was doing..




Have a great day Everyone!

Weekend

Thank you all for the wonderful comments!(: Sorry I haven't commented on blogs lately! I've actually been very busy for once! That and my computer got a virus:( so I have to go on my ipod or use my moms super slow computer which I'm on now. Hopefully it will get fixed soon.

The weekend was actually really fun!(: Friday I went shopping with my mom and read the book The Lovely Bones (has anyone read it or seen the movie?), On Saturday I had Christmas with my dads side of the family (I know, late, but it always is), and today I met with some cousins & family at a restaurant to see my cousins new baby.

The weekend has been pretty good eating wise too. I actually have a goal weight in mind for me for once. Not for doctors, my parents, or my eating disorder (because Ed doesn't want me to gain!) for me. It's at the low end of the healthy range, but it's in the healthy range and I think thats all that matters.

I've been pretty happy lately too. I guess the key to being happy is being around people you love all the time(: Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!

Four things

I've been meaning to do this for a while. Thanks Missy!

Four words/phrases I use way too much;

-Like. She was all like, I was like

-OMG!

-Yeah, for sure

-This isn't a word, but I use way too many smiley faces!(:

Four Things I'm passionate about;

-Stopping hate. There has been so much hate on formspring lately. People calling each other fat. I'm trying to stick up for each person that has been called fat/a mean thing

-Animals! Specifically dogs

Thats my dog Baily and me(:

-Volunteering

-Raising awareness about eating disorders

Four things you'd discover upon meeting me (in real life);

-I'm funny

-I'm pretty much always wayy too late or way too early

-I'm kinda shy (but not as much as I used to be! I'm finally breaking free of that)

-I can never sit still. Thats probably why I hate video games!

Four things I've learned from the past;

-God's love is unconditional. No matter what you do, God will always love you

-True friends don't treat you like crap

-Be yourself. You were born an original, don't die a copy

-Laughter is the best medicine

Four things I eat that freak people out;

-Tofu

-Green Tea Frappuccinos

-Coconut milk yogurt

-Chik'n nuggets

Yum:D

Four tv shows I love;

-Degrassi!

-Glee

-Make it or break it

-90210

Four tv shows I loved;

-Zoey 101

-Spongebob

-The amanda show

-The Hills

Four things I'm looking forward to;

-Starting a new school

-Moving to a warmer place

-Meeting true friends

-Finally recovering from my eating disorder

Four things I love about winter;

-Cute winter clothes

-Christmas

-Taking peaceful walks in the snow with my dog

-Drinking lattes and eating soup

Four ways poor nutrition destroyed my body;

-Being cold. All the time!

-Sometimes having trouble breathing as a result of not enough food

-Cold/purpleish hands

-Depression

Thanks for reading!(:

Progress

Last night, I went to the clinic again. They never show me my weight, and the family therapist said I could probably start seeing my weight and growth charts and stuff soon. So after that we saw the nutritionist and that went well also, and I got weighed and stuff and met with my doctor. I think she was almost sorta mad, because she said that I made no progress so far. As in, I have not gained any weight since we started at the clinic a month ago.

I'm not sure why that made me mad and happy and the same time, but it did. I think Ed was happy because he had fooled me into thinking I'd gained at least 5 lbs so far and I was mad because recovery isn't always about the weight. Yes, I do have to get to a healthy weight so I can actually work out again and finally get rid of Ed, but just because I'm not gaining any weight so far doesn't mean that I'm not doing any mental progress.

I've made so much mental progress since getting to the clinic. Like;

-I'm no longer afraid of pasta. Like last week my mom was going grocery shopping and I asked her if she could pick up mac & cheese too. The regular kind. That's totally out of character for me! I haven't asked that in months.

-I'm eating more than I have been in 6 months

-I'm finally incorporating more protein into my diet

-I'm actually starting to be a little okay with weight gain. Before I was REALLY afraid. I would do everything not to gain weight. Now, I'm fine. Weight gain is scary, but I have to gain to live.

-I'm no longer afraid of eating out. Before I would "plan" to eat less the day before eating out, or just avoid it altogether. Now I don't really care and eating out is actually really fun!


So, recovery is NOT just about the weight but I will try harder to gain weight. And not count calories. That's really hard. Even though I'm not actually getting a calculator and counting, its a habit to just estimate and count in my head. Just staring at a piece of food and knowing the calories then adding them up. It's a really bad habit. I'll have to try really hard to break it. I'll do everything I can to not be threatened with inpatient again. I can beat this awful illness without inpatient.

New years

On new years last year, I was sitting at my grandmas house watching her dog and watching Degrassi because she was in the hospital. I was really sad & bored because it wasn't how I wanted to spend my new years. This year, was much different(:

I was sitting on the couch on new years eve watching degrassi (of course..) and feeling sad when C texted me. She asked if I could sleep over at J's house and I was soo excited! I'm not about to become best friends with them and tell them everything, but it was fun hanging out with them. We all took turns talking to J's boyfriend (we're all good friends with him), goofing around, and then making cake balls. We did play black ops too, but that wasn't very fun.

We stayed up until 5, so the next day I was really tired! Even after going out to eat with my mom and having 2 large glasses of diet coke, I was still tired! I feel asleep at around 3, then woke up at 6 and I was still really out of it. I've been thinking about the new year, and new years resolutions and it made me think of the sleepover with J and C again.

I was playing truth with J's boyfriend over the phone (like truth or dare, except we just do the truth) and he asked if I could change one thing about myself, what would it be. And, I actually couldn't think of anything! Before when I was letting my eating disorder control my every move, I would of said a lot. But now, I'm actually happy with the person I am. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I've always felt insecure about myself, wishing I wasn't this or that.

Now that it's the new year my only resolution is to accept myself. I think it'll be a resolution that I'll be able to accomplish for once(:

I thought this was kinda cute(:


Happy New year Everyone!

The future

This year, has probably been one of the hardest years of my life. It started off okay, then gradually got worse and worse as my eating got worse and I isolated myself even more, but now, I think it may finally be starting to get better.

I have decided to go back to a public school. Not my awful previous school, but a brand new one, by my mom's work a half hour away from home. I like the idea of it, a fresh start. I'm going crazy being locked up in the house all the time. I can't live like this anymore. It's going to be a little scary to start a new school, but I gotta do it. Once this semester of my online school is over, I'm starting a new school.

At first I wanted to go back to my old school, but then I realized that was a lie. My friends, are not real friends. Yeah I'll still talk to them, but they're just not there for me. C gossips like there's no tomorrow, and J is still in denial struggling with her eating disorder.. and she's usually not there for me. When she is there for me, its usually only for a week, then the next week I don't hear from her. Oh well, just best not to dwell on it. It just wasn't meant to be. I hope they're happier in the future.

I finally met with a physical therapist, and I learned a lot. I learned how the body works, and how when I was only eating 500 calories a day, I was only feeding one part of my body. No wonder I was close to dying! It made me feel a lot better about eating. She said still no cardio, but a 30 minute walk once a week won't hurt. I'll need permission from my doctor though. She did say I could do yoga and pilates! I did an abs pilates tonight.. I did it before, and it's hard! But I wasn't thinking about the calories burned, I was thinking about my form in pilates, and stuff like that. I kinda liked that(: I can't wait for the snow to melt so I can start running outside.. I miss running!

I also met with a psychiatrist. The bad part is.. I have depression. But I already knew that. The good news is, she prescribed me with depression meds. I kinda feel a little more hopeful knowing things might get better.

I forgot to mention, last night me & my mom stayed at a hotel too! See, the roads are super bad, and there was ice storms in the forecast for when I was supposed to go to the clinic an hour away, so we just decided to stay at a hotel by there. It was so nice! We ate at the restaurant, and I ate soo much! For me anyway, my stomach is probably the size of a small pea right now.. oh well, I need food(: I skipped breakfast, and had a super tiny lunch. From now on, I'll make sure my meals are planned. My mom is helping me too, she's gonna premake my lunches and arrange them in the fridge or write them down on paper and set them on the kitchen table.

I have learned so much in the past year. I'm so much stronger. And smarter. I finally have the knowledge to beat this. I know that I need food to live, to function. Without food, I can't even put my makeup on! I have difficulty breathing. I'm "high" and numb. I can't really live life without food. Gaining weight is going to be scary, but I'm gonna do it. I want my strong body back. I want to run again! I want to fully live again. Now, I'm on my way getting there.


Oh one more thing! This video is really cool(: I saw it a few days ago, and I love the message of it.



Have a great night everyone! And happy new years!(:

Calorie Counting, something that needs to be gone

I've struggled with calorie counting for months now. Because with an eating disorder, gradually comes calorie counting. At my worst moments, I count every single thing that enters my mouth. One pita chip. A bite of a cupcake. Gum. Everything is added up and memorized for the end of the day total.

Now is realize, calorie counting is a load of crap. Why do we count our food? Why? Some of us are food conscious, wanting to lose or gain weight. Sometimes with me it's like an OCD thing. I used to double and triple check the "total" at the end of each day.

But in the end, was I happy with calorie counting? Of course not!! 100 calories over my desired amount, and I'm dubbed a failure.

This is why, I'm wanting to try intuitive eating. I know it's not really something other people think I should try just yet, but it feels right. Last night, I felt like eating what my mom was making for dinner (cheese filled pasta shells with a pasta sauce and a salad) then eat a coffee cup full of frozen yogurt with ff reddi whip and white chocolate chips on top. At first, Ed kept telling me- do you KNOW how many calories are in that pasta? Look on the back? I looked. So? It's not that much. Ed-well, still. Pasta is off limits! Me- Haha maybe to you, but not to me! And I ate it. It was really good! I may not like spaghetti anymore, but I still like other types of pasta. My fear of pasta is gone:D Yay olive garden! There's this breaded lasagna I've been wanting to get for months, it's my favorite thing on the menu & it's an appetizer, so now I can finally get it!

So, calorie counting only leads to bad things. It leads to me starving myself.. and my grandpa and dog telling me to eat!

See, my grandpa passed away about 4 years ago. I was really sad for a long time, but eventually I just accepted it. Then, I forgot about him. But starting about a month ago, I've been starting to smell random food. Subway, Pizza hut, stuff like that just in the air, around me. When that usually happens, I'm usually very hungry and have skipped a meal and am home alone. No one in the neighborhood is cooking something like that, so I figured it must be my grandpa! He loved food, and I think he wants me to eat. To cure my relationship with food. My dog plays a part in that too.

Yesterday, I didn't know what to have for breakfast so I got a bowl of cinnamon sugar pita chips. I knew they were high calorie, and I was home alone and worried, so I called my dog over. I was on the couch, and put some chips out for her to eat, to share them with me. I'll never forget the look she gave me. It was kinda like- this is your medicine. Eat it. Please, I can't eat that. It was so weird! It took me 5 minutes of me convincing her to eat it that she finally did.

I also did end up talking with my mom, and she said that she felt helpless in trying to help me. I never knew that! So I told her that we had to work together, and that I need her help, but I can't have her controlling everything I eat.

Everything is finally starting to look better(: I just have to keep working at this, and not give up. I think I would rather weigh a litte more and be free, then be sickly skinny and miserable anyway.