Back to the real world

I used to have a Facebook. I probably had about 200-300 friends, like everyone else did on there. But who really has 300 friends? Okay.. Probably Oprah. But really, if you have 300 friends on Facebook or Twitter or whatever, do you really talk to them all on there? Most likely not. I know I didn't. So why do we add so many people on there? To be look cool? That's usually the case. If you only have 20 friends on there people are like -wow loser, I have 300 and she has 20! Ok, maybe not but some people do that.

I remade a Facebook a few days ago and some weird things happened. People were actually interested in talking to me. I forgot how Facebook worked for a while because I deleted my old one a few months ago. I put modeling pictures up and they were actually pretty surprised and -happy for me. That's so weird because I thought they would be jealous. But i didn't want them to be jealous, just saying. At this age, we get jealous over the dumbest things. I get jealous because this person is more liked than me, and they get jealous of me because they think I'm prettier than them. Or so I was told. But those people have to realize looks don't matter to me. What matters to me, is how people treat each other. If some person is really mean but they're pretty, they usually have a ton of friends. Because they're pretty. That's not someone I would want to be friends with because I want nice, mature people in my life. People who ignore peer pressure and who are good people.

I realize now I probably shouldn't have made a Facebook again but I still want to keep it. I'm not going to go on there everyday and I'm not going to add people I'm never going to talk to again.

So, I'll see how it goes. I'm not looking for drama on Facebook. What I'm looking for, is to reconnect with old friends. I miss talking to them. Not the mean ones, but the good friends. The weird part is, when people leave that school, they usually become better people in the end. That's true for me and one of my other friends anyway. For me, I found God again. He was there all along, but I was so caught up in Popularity and drama, I didn't listen to him. Now, I'm going to listen to him. He will guide me in the right direction, whether it's being friends with those people again, or not.

Sadness

I know I said I was changing, and I'm trying but it's hard. Today was especially harder.

I'm home alone all day, so I usually text my mom. Sometimes she doesn't respond and I get even lonelier than before. I have my dog, and the computer, and sometimes I have classes but I don't think it's enough sometimes. Me and my mom got in a fight because I felt lonely.. kind of. I was really really cold today and I looked in the mirror and was afraid. I'm just.. too skinny. So I asked my mom if she could pick up Culver's. Fast food right now is really the only way for me to gain weight. Sorta. It has a lot of calories, so I get less for more. I don't usually over think the calories of it. At home, there's only healthy food. Which I like, but on days where I feel like that, it's good to eat fast food.

She said no and we got in a fight about other stupid stuff and I got really sad. When I'm feeling sad or hopeless and there's no one around me, I think of destructive things to do. Cutting, Running, drinking wayy too much water, bottle of pills.. etc. I know it's so bad, but these moments happen. It's why I should make a list. A list of things to make me feel better when I'm feeling down. I've been forgetting about it, but I'm finally going to make it. I need it. I need a list of little things to cheer me up.

What my mom has to understand though, is that I need someone. I'm home alone all day and if talking to her only for a little bit each day while she's gone making me feel better, then she should do that.

The reason I couldn't get Culver's myself is because... well.. I don't exactly have my permit yet. I know it's so bad but I took the drivers ed class two months ago. And I've been meaning to take the test and then go in for behind the wheel lessons, but I'm scared. Last time I drove, my dad put too much pressure on me to stay behind the line or something and I accidentally drove the other way into a ditch. I probably shouldn't be practicing without a permit but it was up north and no one was around. It wasn't on a highway or popular road and if cars came by, we would drive to a dirt road.

Driving just scares me. I always see car accidents and mean crazy drivers. But, I just need to get over my fear. I need to move on. I need to study for the permit test, actually finally take the test, and get behind the wheel lessons. And by doing this and finally getting my license sometime later, I don't need to wait for my mom to drive me everywhere. I can go places by myself. I can go take a walk in a popular place or go to the mall or go look at new schools. Doing something instead of just sitting at home.

Like I said, I have put thought into a public/private school. But I'm not sure. I think I'm scared because my old school was so bad. One time there was even rumors of a shooting. It never happened but it really could have. At my old school, the people were just awful. They were so mean and snotty. There was chew in the sink, wet paper towels on the wall in the girls bathroom, people skipped class for 15 Min's and then came back high. It was sad. I don't want to be at a school like that. I want to be at a school where I don't look around and feel alone.

I'll keep looking. In the meantime, I have to start looking for jobs. After I get my license. Or before. Wow I have a lot to do.. but being busy is better than being sad.

Isn't it cute? This is definitely going on the happiness list.

Change

I used to really hate change. Every time I got a new schedule for a new semester of school I would groan because I didn't know anyone and I liked the way it was. Not anymore. I'm tired of sitting around wallowing in my own stupid misery and depression. I want to do something about it! I want to be busy and happy. I want to stop feeling insecure when I see someone with more confidence and better clothes than me.

Today, I did something about it. I went to another new church. It was okay, better than last time, but it was huge!! There was so many people. Probably too much for me but the good thing is, they have other smaller churches exactly like the one I went to today. And closer to where I live too! This one was 45 minutes away. Worth the drive though!

I think that I like change, but I'm sort of afraid of it. Or I used to be. I'm so tired of living in an unhappy bubble. I want to have friends and laugh and to actually enjoy life. Today somehow changed that. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was actually busy. I went to church at 11, ate, visited my grandma, went shoe shopping(:, did some unit exams for school, and watched desperate housewives. It may not be how I usually or used to spend the day, but I liked it. I wasn't alone or sad at all today. I was happy.

Feeling busy is, I guess a way for me feeling happy. Whether it's shopping, coming home late, or a modeling thing, I feel great after doing so.

Now that I've tackled getting out of the house, I have to start doing other things too. I can't keep pouting that modeling isn't taking off, I have to do something about it!

My mom actually has a friend in the modeling business. Okay.. not friend but old childhood neighbor. But still, it's a start! My mom's friend has her own agency or something so we're going to mail them photos. It may take a while to get there, but it's worth it. The wait is worth it if something good comes out of it.

I've actually put more thought into going to a public/private school. Before I was so apposed to it. Now, I guess I'm warming up. I can't really meet people if I'm sitting on my butt on the computer right? Okay.. I kinda can but you know what I mean.

So all in all, I like change(: I've been even thinking about changing my room. I really like these rooms.







I would put quotes on the walls and maybe some black and white/in color pictures too. I can't wait for everything to change(:

Anger and Frustration in recovery

We all get frustrated sometimes, right? Yesterday was that day for me. Some days we just have those days where nothing goes right. I'm not sure why but Wednesday is never a good day for me. Something always seems to go wrong. Everything was going sort of okay until we got to the audition around 7. I thought they just wanted to meet with me and a few other people.. nope. When me and my mom got there, it was like a cattle call. There was a roomful of people there. This is how some open calls go, but not really. Some open calls have only women sometimes, usually it's never both. There were kids, guys, women, parents. But that's not what made me feel weird. They offer classes there and something didn't exactly seem right about paying 10,000 dollars for a 3 year contract and classes. It's sad there are some "agencies" out there like that. It made me kinda sad that a lot of people in this world are getting scammed. We left earlier than everyone else did. I'm glad I did. I could tell they were interested in me, but I've already taken classes. Even though I've never gotten any jobs, I know what I'm doing and my family doesn't have the kind of money to pay 10,000 dollars. Hopefully I can find some agency another time.

After we left, my mom was hungry and wanted to know what I ate that day. I told her and she wanted me to eat more. She kept bugging me about it for about a half hour until she gave up and ordered vegetarian Chinese food. When we got back to the house, I had about a 1/2 cup of fried vegetable rice and 2 fortune cookies. That might not seem like much, but it felt like a lot to me.

When someone has anorexia, they always have an all or nothing attitude. Like say I wanted to work out for an hour. The ED might say something like well if it's not vigorous and it's not for two hours, you might as well not work out at all. Last night, it said well if you already gave in and ate that then you might as well get a medium blizzard or eat a pint of ice cream. So I ate 2/3 of the pint of ice cream and.. felt really guilty. Since my mom is the one who is usually with me when I eat, I asked her to just ask me how I'm feeling sometimes. If she would of done this before the ice cream or after I ate the rice, I would of probably felt better but she didn't know yet. After I asked her this, she immediately pointed out all the things I did wrong when asking for the ice cream and I felt really bad. I got really really mad and frustrated and just wanted to stop eating for 2 days. Or at least restrict. We got really mad at each other for 2 hours and I just sad on the floor crying, disgusted with myself.

We did talk later and she promised to ask me how I'm feeling. When I got mad at her, I felt really alone. Even if I have a helpful doctor, dietitian, and somewhat helpful therapist, I still felt all alone. I felt so completely alone like I did when I was eating barely anything 3 months ago. And I hated the feeling. It made me feel like nothing has changed but it has. I've made good strides.

Next time I'll probably try to watch a funny movie or read a magazine or distract myself instead of thinking up harmful destructive things for myself.

But one thing people have to realize is that forcing me to eat more is not going to help me. Usually I wind up feeling guilty and eat way less the next few days after that and I'm even worse off than before. I have to want to change myself. It seems so hard now but I think If I get busier, I'll want to change. Last year I hung out with friends a lot and was in tennis so I was eating and busy a lot. This year I'm just home alone doing school all day and thinking about the eating disorder. If I have ways to really distract myself from the eating disorder, then I'll be sure to recover. I don't meant that I'll ignore it, but if I'm busy the eating disorder won't be my main concern. I'll have tons of other things on my mind.

I'm sorry if yesterday's post was triggering or negative. And I'm sorry if this one is too. I'm just trying to figure things out. Figure things out, vent, and recover from this illness.

Weight gain? No thanks!

My therapist says that as I get towards a healthier weight, then I'll have a healthier mindset too. Well.. It doesn't look that way. I remember last year when I was at a healthier weight and I wasn't happy. I told my therapist that and she said maybe it wasn't that I was unhappy at that weight, but something else was going on at that time. Not really. It always seems like my therapist over analyzes things but maybe that's her job? I'm not sure. I remember being completely miserable at a healthier weight. I remember just before I went on vacation last year I was clothes shopping. I'd just started a healthier diet and had lost some weight. I tried on a size whatever shorts and they were too small. This upset me. I wasn't happy and I think that was when the ED started up again. So I guess if I really think about it, I might of been happier at a heavier weight. But the thing is, I've been small for a long time. It's so hard to change. I don't like change. It sorta sucks.

Another reason I want to be small is for modeling. Modeling is my dream right now and they won't want me to be at a heavier size. If they tell me to gain weight, then I will. Sounds stupid, but it's true. I'm not sure why I would want to listen to them more than my own mom and my therapist & dietitian. Maybe because I feel like they're the boss. The agencies and designers are. What they say, goes.

I met with my dietitian on Monday night and she said that I'd lost a pound. I wasn't really that disappointed, just really surprised. I'm not trying to lose weight at all. I blamed the bike ride on the weight loss at first but she said it was probably just the amount of increased exercise. But I haven't really been exercising? I've decreased the amount of walks I've been taking and the amount of water I drink each day. But no matter how many good changes I seem to make, they're not good enough unless I gain 1/2 a pound or a pound.

My meals have really changed. I used to only eat just a microwavable diet meals like smart ones or lean cuisine for lunch or dinner but now I build my own meals. I put into consideration the amount of food groups I'm supposed to have a day and end up having at least 5 different food groups for lunch. My dietitian seems to like that more but it still doesn't seem good enough.

I also met with my therapist yesterday and we (finally) talked about body image. I told her what I've been seeing and feeling lately and she said not to trust mirrors. She said the longer you stare at something, the bigger it gets. And she asked me if I saw the pound loss when I looked in the mirror. And it's weird, I didn't see the weight loss at all. I thought I'd gained at least a pound. She also said that I can't gain 10 pounds in a week. It will actually take me months to get there. That was sort of a relief to me so I'm a little less worried about that.

So what do I need to work on? Increasing calories, Really really trying to ignore the ED voice instead of just listening to it. And try to make a good impression on the new modeling agency I'm going to today. The top agency I visited a few weeks ago still hasn't called us yet. This new one, called us and actually asked us to come see them! I've never heard of this agency before so we'll see if they're legit or not. But I really hope they are because I really want to get a job.

Free

I really wish that I could be free. Free of worry and pressure. Free of fear. Free of writing down what I eat everyday and handing it in to be judged. I know this is good for me but It doesn't feel good. I almost feel trapped. I want to be free to make my own choices. Free to eat whatever I want, workout how ever long I want (not long), and free to make my own choices about my own life. Maybe it's a control issue. I feel in control now. But I don't feel very in control when people tell me what to do. When people tell me to gain weight. To only work out this amount of time and then eat this amount of food.

When I really think about it, I now I'm not recovered yet. I still need to heal my mind. But the thing is, I don't want to gain weight. That's common in anorexia, but I'm not starving myself anymore. I eat healthy and I feel good about it. I've got rid of rules. I eat whenever I want now. If I'm hungry I eat, no matter what time it is. It just seems like my therapist doesn't want to help me get better unless I gain weight. The thing I really hate about seeing her is that what she doesn't tell me some things, she tells my mom. Last session, she decided to see my mom because of the whole doctor issue. She mostly met with my mom on Friday and she said that if I don't gain weight, they won't be able to offer their services anymore. What?! So I'm getting kicked out? How nice. She basically said that it meant they weren't doing their job right, which might be true for my therapist but not my dietitian. It's not very fair. I feel like my therapist doesn't have faith in me. Like she's already almost given up on me. Like if I don't gain weight, I'll be some reject that can never be saved.

They just don't realize I'm happy. I'm never really that hungry anymore. I'm not really obsessive or extreme about anything anymore. Sure, I still have body image issues, but they almost seem to ignore those. The body image issues have gone down, but they're still there. Likes yesterday. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see me. I looked skinny everywhere except my legs. My legs kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. It was a little scary. And I really need help with that. At least I didn't let it scare me too much. I ate a normal size dinner, added up the calories and I was a little low so I ate more. Which is great! I'm able to realize that I need to eat more and then I do! I think that a good accomplishment, right?

But one thing I've realized is that being out of shape goes both ways. Skinny and overweight. When I went biking on Saturday, I was huffing and puffing and was really out of breath. I thought I would like it but I hated every minute of it. My ears were cold and now I have a really bruised butt. Yay. But this is a learning experience. I'm learning what I like and renting a bike and riding 5 miles is not one of them. Bike riding by a pretty lake in a circle, maybe. I did eat a very good dinner afterward though. I worked hard and I deserved food.

I'm seeing my dietitian tonight so I'll see if I gained any weight. If so, then I guess that is a good thing. I just don't want her to be disappointed in me if I didn't gain weight. I hate when people are disappointed in me. But I have to get over that. People are going to be disappointed in me but I can't let it affect me.

How I stay happy

If I wasn't for my little dog Baily, I don't think I would stay sane. She's really the one that keeps me going on everyday. She's the one that keeps me happy. I know it sounds weird but hey, look at her! Isn't she cute? She always knows how to cheer me up when I'm sad and she always wakes me up in the morning. Dogs are almost like the best friend that doesn't judge you. They're always there for you and they always will be. They're not going anywhere. That's why I love animals so much. It's almost like they listen to your problems and don't judge or do anything.

I haven't really been able to be outside much lately. I've had so much homework! And the worst part is, they've put limitations on my exercise. And when I say they, I mean the doctor, therapist, and dietitian. It all started with the EKG scan. My doctor listened to my heart, took my blood pressure or something, took blood, but didn't weigh me. Everything was fine except the scan. But that's not the weird part yet. The weird part is, my child doctor who i haven't seen or talked to in a year, called my wellness/recovery clinic. She looked at the results of the EKG scan and said no exercise and she was "really concerned". Uhm, okay if you were really concerned then why didn't you call me and my parents? It made me really mad. Me and my mom decided not to see her anymore a long time ago so we've been seeing a new doctor for the past 6 months. Mainly because the other doctor is so crabby and negative and mean.

But anyway, when my dietitian told me this I was really sad. Taking walks by the lake with my dog is the only thing keeping me happy right now. Well that and baking. Not really modeling because the agency hasn't contacted us yet. So my mom called my doctor and she got it all straightened out. My doctor said that I wasn't that bad. My results on the scan were like 59 or something and she said the normal is 60. My childhood doctor said it was really low. No.. it was not in fact low. It was low, but it wasn't extremely low and she shouldn't be saying these things if she's not the one seeing me or taking the scans.

I guess when I think about it, I was 50% mad and the other half was the ED that was mad. But it was almost like people putting rules on my life. Which is what I'm trying to stay away from because with the ED, I had so many stupid rules. Now, I'm breaking all those rules.

I just have to be sort of careful with what I eat. Sometimes I think I'm getting Orthorexia nervosa, but I don't really think that's true. My eating habits have really improved. I still eat really unhealthy things like cake pops, cheese pizza, chocolate chip cookies, and coke zero. The last thing I need is to develop another disease. But I'm not going to. I am in control of my own life. Nothing is going to stop me from living my life now. Not the ED or anything.