Four things

I've been meaning to do this for a while. Thanks Missy!

Four words/phrases I use way too much;

-Like. She was all like, I was like

-OMG!

-Yeah, for sure

-This isn't a word, but I use way too many smiley faces!(:

Four Things I'm passionate about;

-Stopping hate. There has been so much hate on formspring lately. People calling each other fat. I'm trying to stick up for each person that has been called fat/a mean thing

-Animals! Specifically dogs

Thats my dog Baily and me(:

-Volunteering

-Raising awareness about eating disorders

Four things you'd discover upon meeting me (in real life);

-I'm funny

-I'm pretty much always wayy too late or way too early

-I'm kinda shy (but not as much as I used to be! I'm finally breaking free of that)

-I can never sit still. Thats probably why I hate video games!

Four things I've learned from the past;

-God's love is unconditional. No matter what you do, God will always love you

-True friends don't treat you like crap

-Be yourself. You were born an original, don't die a copy

-Laughter is the best medicine

Four things I eat that freak people out;

-Tofu

-Green Tea Frappuccinos

-Coconut milk yogurt

-Chik'n nuggets

Yum:D

Four tv shows I love;

-Degrassi!

-Glee

-Make it or break it

-90210

Four tv shows I loved;

-Zoey 101

-Spongebob

-The amanda show

-The Hills

Four things I'm looking forward to;

-Starting a new school

-Moving to a warmer place

-Meeting true friends

-Finally recovering from my eating disorder

Four things I love about winter;

-Cute winter clothes

-Christmas

-Taking peaceful walks in the snow with my dog

-Drinking lattes and eating soup

Four ways poor nutrition destroyed my body;

-Being cold. All the time!

-Sometimes having trouble breathing as a result of not enough food

-Cold/purpleish hands

-Depression

Thanks for reading!(:

Friends make life worthwhile

Okay, sorry I've been totally MIA for the past few days, but I've had a lot on my mind.

So, I finally talked to J again. We've been talking a lot since yesterday. I guess it was kind of mutual. So you guys were right. We both really missed each other and we missed hanging out together. And I found out something really interesting. She has an ED too!

After my experience this summer, all the pieces really came together. I always thought about the past, so it made sense. She was very skinny in 7th and 8th grade. And not just average skinny, very very skinny. The summer of 8th grade, she started eating more and I think she mentioned she was seeing a dietitian. That was when my ED was first starting up, so I didn't really put much thought into it.

Towards the end of the summer, she started giving some of her clothes away to C. They didn't fit her anymore, so she couldn't wear them. But thinking about it all, I have to say she hid it well. I'm an really open person so I'm bad at hiding things. I've never really told many people like, in person about it. I've told my cousin, who doesn't understand, and one of my other friends who was into modeling and had an ED too. This was in the middle of the year last year. We were both so confused. Lets call this girl, H. H, felt bad about what she ate. She wanted to model too. She wasn't the skinniest person, but she looked really great. She just never realized it herself. Me and H always texted each other when we "overate" last winter and gave each other tips on restricting.

After I didn't have a class with H, we didn't talk that much anymore. But I did recently talk to her, and it sounds like she's doing well. She's given up on modeling but she's happy for me that I'm starting.

Anyway back to the main topic, me and J are pretty much friends again. She has really grown up in the past 6 months. I told her she can text me whenever she feels bad or alone and we talked about getting better. But, I have decided not to be friends with C again. Although she may seem like a sweet person, there is something off there. Something that is not right. I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I mention her.

So all in all, I'm happy now(: I see everything falling into place, everything better. I'm going to get my studies taken care of, I'm having a sleepover with J & some friends next weekend, I'm going to try to keep pursuing modeling, and I'm finallyy going to start studying for my permit test. Sooner or later, this ED will slowly disappear. My life will be so great, there will be no room for an eating disorder. At all.

Halloween

I used to love Halloween. I loved dressing up in cute costumes and going trick or treating. Of course I stopped trick or treating a few years ago and started going to parties and I think that's what got me sad yesterday.

Last year, I watched a lot of scary movies with my best friends, answered the door, and had a lot of fun. The year before that, I went to a party and had a sleepover with some friends. This year, was very different. I had no plans. And that's what made me sad. I don't like to live in the past, but I've been doing that a lot lately. I used to have soo much fun with my old friends. And I miss them. But am I going to tell them that? No. I'm not really sure if I miss them exactly, but maybe the fun I had with them. There was a lot of drama too but the good times outweighed the bad.

This Halloween, I was really sad. I got really really sad because I had no plans. Then I went to look in the mirror, and I saw fat. Weird, because I haven't felt fat in two weeks. After that I wanted to skip my snack and dinner. And then I realized something.

This is the ED doing it's job again! It swoops in and is like - hey I'll take care of this! Ewww.. you're really fat. You should skip dinner. Then you'll be too weak to even think about the past. In a way, it's sort of good but not really. I can't rely on my eating disorder to take the pain away. But I can't just sit with it either.

I actually did end up doing something later. I went out to eat with my dad and my grandma and met up with cousins after that. And, I forgot it was even Halloween! The weird thing is, I really did enjoy myself. I didn't feel guilty about what I was eating. We went to a sushi restaurant and I love going there. Even though I'm not a meat eater anymore, there do have lots of vegetarian options. I ended up getting this Chinese stir fry pancake thing and green tea mochi. I had fun and completely forgot about everything. And that's the way it should be. I shouldn't feel sad and then have the ED take it away. I should have fun.

So what now? Well.. I really think I should start volunteering. And going to church. We have found a really good one. They have a great message and I don't feel bored when I go there. I actually feel inspired for once. I should also start volunteering at the humane society. I love dogs and that would be perfect!

As soon as I get out of this "funk", I think it will help me recover from the ED. Because if I'm happy, the ED doesn't try to take that away. If I'm happy and content with my life, there's no room for an eating disorder.

Detached from myself

I've been feeling so strange lately. I can recognize the feeling too.. It started when I was in 7th grade. It was such a strange feeling. An awful feeling. I almost.. forgot who I was. Yes, it sounds a bit strange but it's true. It's almost like I see myself living, breathing, eating, typing, but it's not me that's doing that. It's someone else. This feeling scares me so much and I'm trying to forget about it, but for some reason it won't go away. It's very brief, but I still don't feel attached to myself. I don't know what it is or what brought it on. It's weird. It's almost like I'm incapable of feeling anything. It's almost like a constant numb feeling. When I don't feel this, I'm happy. When I do.. nothing. It almost makes me want food to occupy my every waking moment again because at least then I didn't have these thoughts.

I did meet with my therapist today though. I've decided to continue seeing her. I think the whole problem was I didn't really express my emotions. I've always been a person to run away from things. I "dropped out" of school and became isolated. This is so similar because I wanted a new therapist. There was nothing wrong with her. She was just saying things that upset me and that I didn't want to hear. So I told her, we worked it out, and at the end it was a good session.

The only things I really have to work on is not developing another disease. She was worried that I'm developing orthorexia, an obsession with eating healthy food that is very similar to anorexia. But I challenged it, had a diet coke, and was fine. I don't have orthorxia. I like sweets. I like pop and other things. I just don't like eating animals or animal byproducts very much. There's a difference between the two.

She also said to be more in tune with my body. Meaning, when if I get hungry after breakfast, eat. Usually I do get hungry after breakfast and I always try to repress it because it's "not time to eat". It's not that my breakfast is too small, I just need to add in another snack. I was really worried about it at first but now it's not such a big deal. It's just a snack. It's not going to kill me.

Anyways, sorry this is such a weird post. I just needed to get it all out. Hopefully I can get over this feeling and move on and never feel it again.

Labor day madness

Labor day. I swear, it's my least favorite holiday. Is it even a holiday? I'm not sure. My parents are fighting (for the first time), my eating disorder is out of control, and i was up at my cabin all weekend.

I like my cabin. I do, it's just.. my eating issues get worse every single time i get up there. There's just so much food up there. It seems like everyone's always snacking and there's always food around to eat. The weekend went pretty well. The only day that was really bad was Saturday.

Donuts are my weakness and they were sitting right there too. So i had one. And i was debating whether or not to have another one and i decided hey, i need to gain weight. The faster i gain weight, the sooner i get permission to work out and the sooner I'm on my own, right? So i grabbed another one and before i started to eat it, my mom grabbed it out of my hands and said, leave some for everyone else! They aren't yours. I don't know why that made me sad, but it did. She said it in front of everyone and it made me feel really fat for some reason. And it REALLY triggered the eating disorder. I immediately started thinking: well if I'm really fat, then I'll skip lunch. Then dinner. Heck, I'll not eat for four days! There. Who's the fat one now?

It's sad how those thoughts appear out of nowhere. In the end, i did end up eating lunch and dinner and eating pretty normally for the weekend but not eat was always in the back of my mind. I'm glad that my mom didn't let me have the donut but i really wish she hadn't of made me feel so bad about it. And she explained later that she didn't want me to feel fat, she just knew i would feel bad about it later if i did eat the donut.

I was really surprised about one thing this weekend though. I realized that every time i go shopping, i don't feel fat anymore. I feel.. like a stick. I know i need to gain weight and I've fully accepted and embraced that now. Now, instead of being afraid of how I'm going to look in clothes I'm excited about the clothes that i get to wear now. Because every time i go shopping, the clothes i want to wear don't fit me. They're too big. Even bracelets. Which is weird because bracelets always fit me before.

At least now that i started recovery, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see my life getting better. And i know that once I'm fully recovered, my life will be amazing. I can't wait.