Friday, October 8, 2010

Detached from myself

I've been feeling so strange lately. I can recognize the feeling too.. It started when I was in 7th grade. It was such a strange feeling. An awful feeling. I almost.. forgot who I was. Yes, it sounds a bit strange but it's true. It's almost like I see myself living, breathing, eating, typing, but it's not me that's doing that. It's someone else. This feeling scares me so much and I'm trying to forget about it, but for some reason it won't go away. It's very brief, but I still don't feel attached to myself. I don't know what it is or what brought it on. It's weird. It's almost like I'm incapable of feeling anything. It's almost like a constant numb feeling. When I don't feel this, I'm happy. When I do.. nothing. It almost makes me want food to occupy my every waking moment again because at least then I didn't have these thoughts.

I did meet with my therapist today though. I've decided to continue seeing her. I think the whole problem was I didn't really express my emotions. I've always been a person to run away from things. I "dropped out" of school and became isolated. This is so similar because I wanted a new therapist. There was nothing wrong with her. She was just saying things that upset me and that I didn't want to hear. So I told her, we worked it out, and at the end it was a good session.

The only things I really have to work on is not developing another disease. She was worried that I'm developing orthorexia, an obsession with eating healthy food that is very similar to anorexia. But I challenged it, had a diet coke, and was fine. I don't have orthorxia. I like sweets. I like pop and other things. I just don't like eating animals or animal byproducts very much. There's a difference between the two.

She also said to be more in tune with my body. Meaning, when if I get hungry after breakfast, eat. Usually I do get hungry after breakfast and I always try to repress it because it's "not time to eat". It's not that my breakfast is too small, I just need to add in another snack. I was really worried about it at first but now it's not such a big deal. It's just a snack. It's not going to kill me.

Anyways, sorry this is such a weird post. I just needed to get it all out. Hopefully I can get over this feeling and move on and never feel it again.


  1. I am also reluctant to eat if I think it's not "time". She is right to ask you to listen to your body. If we're hungry then we need to eat. There's nothing wrong with it! The therapist I used to see was worried about my veganism too, but you're right; there is a difference! :)

  2. Yes, I understand your waning desire for not wanting to eat after your breakfast. When I was very sick, I had a ritual with my food where I refused to eat until after 1 pm because I felt that if I had eaten before then calories would have piled up! It did not make sense, I know. It was how vicious my ED was.
    Guess what? It IS still a challenge to me today! I stil look at time and say to myself, it's not 1 pm yet so I can't eat....WAIT, I need to eat! Screw that, I'm going to eat now.
    It is matter about forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do sometimes because you don't want let ED beat you today. Hang in there Danielle, it will get better.