Labor day. I swear, it's my least favorite holiday. Is it even a holiday? I'm not sure. My parents are fighting (for the first time), my eating disorder is out of control, and i was up at my cabin all weekend.
I like my cabin. I do, it's just.. my eating issues get worse every single time i get up there. There's just so much food up there. It seems like everyone's always snacking and there's always food around to eat. The weekend went pretty well. The only day that was really bad was Saturday.
Donuts are my weakness and they were sitting right there too. So i had one. And i was debating whether or not to have another one and i decided hey, i need to gain weight. The faster i gain weight, the sooner i get permission to work out and the sooner I'm on my own, right? So i grabbed another one and before i started to eat it, my mom grabbed it out of my hands and said, leave some for everyone else! They aren't yours. I don't know why that made me sad, but it did. She said it in front of everyone and it made me feel really fat for some reason. And it REALLY triggered the eating disorder. I immediately started thinking: well if I'm really fat, then I'll skip lunch. Then dinner. Heck, I'll not eat for four days! There. Who's the fat one now?
It's sad how those thoughts appear out of nowhere. In the end, i did end up eating lunch and dinner and eating pretty normally for the weekend but not eat was always in the back of my mind. I'm glad that my mom didn't let me have the donut but i really wish she hadn't of made me feel so bad about it. And she explained later that she didn't want me to feel fat, she just knew i would feel bad about it later if i did eat the donut.
I was really surprised about one thing this weekend though. I realized that every time i go shopping, i don't feel fat anymore. I feel.. like a stick. I know i need to gain weight and I've fully accepted and embraced that now. Now, instead of being afraid of how I'm going to look in clothes I'm excited about the clothes that i get to wear now. Because every time i go shopping, the clothes i want to wear don't fit me. They're too big. Even bracelets. Which is weird because bracelets always fit me before.
At least now that i started recovery, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see my life getting better. And i know that once I'm fully recovered, my life will be amazing. I can't wait.