Monday, November 1, 2010


I used to love Halloween. I loved dressing up in cute costumes and going trick or treating. Of course I stopped trick or treating a few years ago and started going to parties and I think that's what got me sad yesterday.

Last year, I watched a lot of scary movies with my best friends, answered the door, and had a lot of fun. The year before that, I went to a party and had a sleepover with some friends. This year, was very different. I had no plans. And that's what made me sad. I don't like to live in the past, but I've been doing that a lot lately. I used to have soo much fun with my old friends. And I miss them. But am I going to tell them that? No. I'm not really sure if I miss them exactly, but maybe the fun I had with them. There was a lot of drama too but the good times outweighed the bad.

This Halloween, I was really sad. I got really really sad because I had no plans. Then I went to look in the mirror, and I saw fat. Weird, because I haven't felt fat in two weeks. After that I wanted to skip my snack and dinner. And then I realized something.

This is the ED doing it's job again! It swoops in and is like - hey I'll take care of this! Ewww.. you're really fat. You should skip dinner. Then you'll be too weak to even think about the past. In a way, it's sort of good but not really. I can't rely on my eating disorder to take the pain away. But I can't just sit with it either.

I actually did end up doing something later. I went out to eat with my dad and my grandma and met up with cousins after that. And, I forgot it was even Halloween! The weird thing is, I really did enjoy myself. I didn't feel guilty about what I was eating. We went to a sushi restaurant and I love going there. Even though I'm not a meat eater anymore, there do have lots of vegetarian options. I ended up getting this Chinese stir fry pancake thing and green tea mochi. I had fun and completely forgot about everything. And that's the way it should be. I shouldn't feel sad and then have the ED take it away. I should have fun.

So what now? Well.. I really think I should start volunteering. And going to church. We have found a really good one. They have a great message and I don't feel bored when I go there. I actually feel inspired for once. I should also start volunteering at the humane society. I love dogs and that would be perfect!

As soon as I get out of this "funk", I think it will help me recover from the ED. Because if I'm happy, the ED doesn't try to take that away. If I'm happy and content with my life, there's no room for an eating disorder.


  1. Your doing so great Danielle, every time i read a post of urs, you seem to be moving forward, challenging anorexia or realising something. Its lovely to watch your life unfold and u become stronger.ED tries to make us think that he can manage our emotions through restricting, when iun actual fact, he doesnt manage them, he blocks them out. WE can manage our own emotions, we are well capable of doing so. so keep doing it and using healthy methods to do so. :) xx

  2. I think it's great you've found a good church! It really is inspiring if you find the right one! I've found that even going to church helps me with my social life too. I have met some who are truly some of the nicest people!

    As we step further away from our disorders, I think it's natural to realize all that we've lost and all that we don't have because of ED. But we should use it as motivation, and try not to dwell on it. You sound like you're doing great though. I love sushi too!

    <3 Tori

  3. You should be happy, Danielle! Don't let ED tell you anything different. I was with family last night too.

    And I second what Tori said, I'm so happy you've found a church. My faith has made a difference in my recovery, and it is a great place to discover yourself. And volunteering is awesome! I used to volunteer with horses which led to my current job with them. Good luck! Stay strong.

    Liz =]

  4. Aww I'm sorry you were feeling sad on halloween, but that's great that you ended up having a good time! :)

    That is really great that you found a good church, too. I'm not a very religious person but that's really great that it helps you :)
    Volunteering will probably be awesome too. There is a place by my house that I used to volunteer at that was a barn where people with mental disabilities could come and ride and take care of the horses and it was awesome. Good luck :)

  5. I am so proud of you for being able to recognize that when you started to feel bad about your body that it was ED trying to distract you from your sadness! Recognizing that "fat is not a feeling" is so important! I'm proud of you, too, for being able to turn your night around by going out with your family. I'm so glad that your new church is inspiring you and helping you and volunteering sounds like an awesome idea! You're so right- when there is happiness, there is no room for an ED. My therapist calls this life-building... In order to really recover, you have to have something to recover for. When there is a bright future ahead of you and positive things in your life, it is easier to find motivation to stay on the right track.

    By the way, I just have to say that I love, love, LOVE the picture you have at the end of your post. :-)